A Better Heaven
by Eponine54
Summary: When desire turns real and secrets are kept, people get betrayed...Chapter 16 FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY UP! READ READ READ! (I haven't updated in a LONG time, and I am trying to finish). Newbies to the story are wanted and welcomed!
1. The Better Part of Me

The new and improved- A Better Heaven  
  
Sorry I haven't been updating Numb lately. I've had huge writer's block, and I have come to the conclusion that this story has been going entirely in the wrong direction. So, now I restart this story with a new fresh outlook. Do me a favor-please ignore the first three chapters I posted earlier. The storyline will be mostly the same, just with a different look and brandy new title!! *claps* Ok, onward!  
  
Chapter 1- The Better Part of Me  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
God, it felt so good, just so fucking good. The rush, the addiction, the cravings.it was part of my reality. The Roger Davis reality. The reality that heroin was the driving force in my life. That, and April. My beautiful, sexy, April. God, I loved her. Even now, I was thrusting in and out of her, raising and heightening this fantastic pleasure. Cries and moans escaped her lips as we both came together and fell back hard against the pillows. April curled up against me after I got off her, and my arms went automatically around her.  
  
And I'd give up forever to touch you  
  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
  
You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be  
  
And I don't wanna go home right now.  
  
"Jesus, Roger." she breathed.  
  
"Yeah." I said, unable to think of anything more to say.  
  
We lay there silently in the dark, just breathing. I couldn't imagine a better heaven than this.  
  
"I love you." I whispered into her long, red, hair.  
  
"Do you?" she asked me quietly.  
  
This question didn't surprise me. Times had been rough lately. The Well Hungarians were taking up so much time, and April had been taking a backseat. The past month, all she had been was my nightly fuck.  
  
And all I can taste is this moment  
  
And all I can breathe is your life  
  
And sooner or later it's over  
  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight...  
  
"Baby, you know I do. You know the band." I started soothingly.  
  
"Yeah I know, your fucking band. Do I matter anymore, Roger?" she asked me sadly, sitting up in bed.  
  
"April, you're the better part of me. Without you."  
  
"Your band life would go smoother," she cut in, "And there'd be no more nagging girlfriend."  
  
She got out of bed and put on her discarded jeans and sweatshirt.  
  
"April, baby, come here." I said.  
  
"I'll sleep on the couch tonight." April said softly. "Goodnight, babe."  
  
She left the room quickly, as if she were afraid that false hope would bring her back. I turned over and rested my head where hers had been. It smelled like flowers and cherries. I could hear April say something to Mark from inside my room. She sounded tired, Mark sounded concerned. I sighed. I couldn't lose her, ever. She meant so much.and I was giving her so little. Closing my eyes, I resolved to begin anew.tomorrow.  
  
(April's POV)  
  
You were a poison in my veins, babe. I loved you more than you could possibly imagine, but now you're turning me away. You were only around to screw me now.fucking or shooting up. The shooting up was the only time our problems seemed nonexistent. I sighed, and buried my face in the musty couch. Tears slid unchecked down my face. Another night alone.  
  
And I don't want the world to see me,  
  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am.  
  
"I love you Roger." I whispered.  
  
"I'm sure he loves you too." Mark's voice came from above me.  
  
I flipped over and looked up at Mark, who was hovering over me.  
  
"How can you be so sure though? He's snubbed you too." I sniffed.  
  
"Yeah.but he knows I'll always be there for him."  
  
"Yeah? Well, maybe I won't!" I said, angrily wiping at my tears.  
  
Mark put a comforting arm around me.  
  
"Don't say that. You love him, even if it seems wrong. Things will get better, I promise." Mark said consolingly.  
  
"Thanks, Mark." I whispered, and hugged his arm.  
  
He smiled, and I giggled.  
  
"There's that smile.the one Roger always talks about." Mark said almost longingly.  
  
I looked at him questioningly.  
  
"He always talk about your smile when we're alone. It just.makes him happy. You're the light of his life."  
  
I laughed softly. Mark was such a nice guy. He was like that big soft teddy bear that you'd see in the toy store and want to take it home.  
  
"It's late, April," Mark said, "I'm going to bed."  
  
I nodded. "Thanks."  
  
"Anytime. Now go to sleep." Mark told me.  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything feels like the movies  
  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.  
  
I left the living room feeling empty inside. God, I wanted her so badly. Ever since we had met, when Roger brought her home that first night, I had loved her. She was spontaneous, loving, beautiful.everything I had never deemed myself worthy of. It pissed me off no end that Roger was treating her like a two-bit whore. She deserved so much more than that. Of course, I never told that exact thought to April. I didn't want her to think she was wrong when she wasn't.  
  
"Mark.you awake?" Roger's voice called from outside my door.  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"Do you ever ask permission?" I asked in annoyance.  
  
Roger opened the door and flopped on the edge of my bed. We sat there in silence, in the dark, for a few minutes. I knew what he came here for, and I knew what question lie on the tip of his tongue. It was only a matter of time before he gained the courage to ask me.  
  
"How is April?" Roger finally asked timidly.  
  
So, he had caught on finally.I guess he heard us talking from his bedroom. The way he said April's name was loving and caring, yet it grated horribly on my ears.  
  
"Funny you should ask me. Why not ask her? Or," I said, my anger rising, "Why not show her you love her? Why not make it all up to her?"  
  
"I'm trying Mark, but the Well Hungarians are on a high note, and April needs to understand that my time is going to be limited for a while."  
  
"A while? Jesus Christ, Roger, a while?" I exploded, "What you need to understand is that there is one hell of a lonely, sad, scared girl out there who, though I can't see why, loves you! You're going to end up losing that love if you keep this up.so go to her."  
  
Roger looked at me for a minute and then said, "What if she doesn't believe me.what if she stopped caring?"  
  
Even though my heart, for some reason, went out to my best friend, I was still angry at him. I knew April wouldn't have stopped loving him. It was too hard to do, and when she loved, she loved hard. I hoped for his sake she didn't hate hard too.  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's meant to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am.  
  
"Not my problem, buddy." I said harsher than I'd intended.  
  
"Yea.well, I'm going to go talk to her, dude." Roger said softly before getting up and leaving the room. 


	2. The Vulnerable Side

Chapter 2- The Vulnerable Side  
  
(April's POV)  
  
I can feel your body, when I'm laying in my bed  
  
Too much confusion going round through my head  
  
Makes me so angry to know that the flame still burns  
  
I tossed and turned on the couch for about twenty minutes after Mark went to bed. My head hurt, and all I wanted to do was get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow.maybe I could deal with it all then. After a little bit, I fell asleep. What seemed like seconds later, I felt someone stroking my hand. I opened one eye cautiously, and saw Roger sitting on the edge of the couch.  
  
"Babe?" I muttered sleepily.  
  
"April.hey." Roger said softly.  
  
I sat there mutely for a moment before saying, "Shouldn't you be getting some sleep? I'm sure you have all-important band things to do tomorrow."  
  
It was harsh I knew.but well deserved.  
  
"I do.but I can't sleep without you, baby." Roger whispered.  
  
"I see, that's all I'm good for, isn't it?" I said, not bothering to keep the edge out of my voice.  
  
Roger was silent a moment, then, "I guess I deserved that."  
  
"Trust me, you did."  
  
Why can't I get over.when will I ever learn?  
  
Old love  
  
Leave me alone  
  
Old love  
  
Just go on home.  
  
Roger clasped his hands in mine. They were warm and soft and just feeling his touch made me want to cry.but I would be stronger this time. I couldn't let him push me around anymore, and I didn't want him to see me cry.  
  
"Babe.just let me explain. Please?"  
  
My silence was his consent.  
  
"I know I haven't had time for you lately. It sucks, and I feel like shit about it. I've been such a.a." Roger said, floundering for words.  
  
"A dickweed?" I suggested.  
  
Roger laughed softly and brushed a strand of hair off my forehead.  
  
"Yes, a dickweed. Anyway, I want to make it up to you. Tomorrow, baby, it's you and me. It's hard to balance things is all.with you, and the band, and just life in general. But I love you more than my goddamned life itself, and I'd do anything for you. Remember that, babe."  
  
I felt more tears sliding down my cheeks, and as I raised my head up off the couch to stroke Roger's cheek, he leaned across and kissed the tears off. I had shown my vulnerable side, but I had a feeling that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.  
  
"April? Do you forgive me?" Roger asked, placing a hand on the back of my neck.  
  
"Yes," I said, sniffling, "I do."  
  
Roger leaned over and kissed me then- a sweet, timeless kiss that left me hoping to whatever God there was up there that I would never lose my Roger. I loved him to distraction, and it probably wasn't healthy.but I couldn't lose him. Roger suddenly stopped kissing me and said,  
  
"Smile for me, babe?"  
  
I looked into his soulful gaze, and then smiled. It was a smile designed to break his heart, but all it did was break mine. I wiped at my eyes again, and Roger took my hands in his.  
  
"I love you," he said to me.  
  
"I love you too.God, so goddamned much. If only you knew." I started.  
  
Roger put a finger to my lips and shushed me.  
  
"April." he said, and then looked up at me as if asking for permission to keep going.  
  
"Yes?" I asked.  
  
"April.babe."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Finally Roger sighed and went down onto one knee in front of me and clasped my hands in one of his. I gasped in shock as I suddenly saw our entire relationship of three years pass in front of my eyes.  
  
"April Elisabeth Watson.will you marry me?"  
  
Roger took his other hand, ran it through his hair, and then shoved his hand under the couch cushions. He produced a small black box and then handed it to me. Inside was a small, princess-cut diamond ring.  
  
"Oh my God.Roger.it's gorgeous!" I said in a choked voice.  
  
Roger grinned like a little boy at Christmas.  
  
"You still haven't said 'yes' yet."  
  
"Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!" I cried as I jumped up off the couch and threw myself at Roger on the floor.  
  
He laughed and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me all the while. Then, he sat us up together, and slipped the ring on my left ring finger. I cried as he did, but when he took his hand away, I leaned over and kissed him. It was just like coming home.  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
I can see your face, but I know it's not here  
  
Just an illusion caused by how I used to feel  
  
I heard the happy couple's laughter from inside my room. Most of me was happy for Roger and April.but there was a part of me that was jealous and angry. Part of me wanted to shake April and ask her what the fuck did she think was gonna change. I rolled over in my bed, trying to block out the sounds of love coming from the living room. When they didn't quiet down after ten minutes, I stomped out into the living room.  
  
Makes me so angry  
  
To know that the flame will always burn  
  
Why can't I get over.when will I ever learn?  
  
"You guys think that you.could." I started, but trailed off as a bright gleam of light coming from April's left hand hit me square in the eyes.  
  
"We're getting married!" Roger and April announced in unison.  
  
My jaw dropped and I started to sweat. Roger hadn't told me that he was seriously serious about April. I knew they loved each other.but marriage? However, I pasted a smile on my face and thumped Roger on the back.  
  
"Congratulations! You didn't tell me you bought a ring, you sly devil you!" I said to Roger.  
  
Roger smirked, "Maybe if you tried looking under the couch, you would have found the ring."  
  
"I'm not the snooping type."  
  
Roger sighed. "You're no fun. After all this time, I haven't raised you right?"  
  
Alcohol. I needed it, I needed the drunken stupor with which to fall into a clumsy sleep and forget all about this nonsense. However, Roger had taught me enough to know that there's always time to get shit-faced.  
  
Old love.  
  
Leave me alone.old love  
  
Go on home.  
  
"Well, this calls for a drink!" I said jovially. "I'll get the Absolut!"  
  
April and Roger were too busy making out again to notice. Roger took his hand off April's boob long enough to flash me a thumb-up sign, and April managed to moan her consent.  
  
"I live with nymphomaniacs." I muttered as I went to the cupboard and grabbed the half-empty bottle of vodka.  
  
I couldn't believe this.Roger.married? Mrs. April Davis? This made no sense. It wasn't for me to say anything though. I was only Mark. I wasn't expected to say anything, to just roll with the punches and be happy about it. I took a few swigs from the bottle before I went back to the happy couple. I needed this shit like I needed a piercing in my urethra.  
  
"Here I come to wreck the day!" I announced.  
  
April and Roger ignored me-they were on top of each other now.  
  
"I'VE GOT THE VODKA!" I yelled.  
  
That got their attention quick enough. Roger leaped off April, and April grabbed the bottle from her position on the floor. She downed a few burning gulps, and then passed the bottle to Roger. He downed about the same amount as she. The bottle got passed between us a few more times, and we were all drunk within twenty minutes.  
  
"This feels goooooooood." April moaned as Roger kissed her neck.  
  
"Why, thank you." Roger said into her neck.  
  
"I meant the drunk.the drank.drink." April slurred.  
  
"I want to fuck someone!" I found myself saying.  
  
Roger sat straight up and April stared at me. Then they started to laugh in drunken tones.  
  
"Go find someone on the street then," Roger slurred.  
  
"No.I want.sex.I want April."I slurred, and pointed at April.  
  
"Well, too bad dude, she's all mine." Roger joked, but looked slightly suspicious.  
  
"Well share her," I said, crawling across the floor toward April.  
  
April backed up a little and said, "Go to bed, Mark. You're smashed."  
  
Like they weren't?  
  
"No, I wanna fuck you." I muttered with all the sanity of Hannibal Lector.  
  
"Dude, ok, you're seriously not funny now." Roger growled.  
  
"What's the matter, Roger? Can't share your girl every now and then? You selfish fuck."  
  
I reached for the vodka bottle, but April was quicker.  
  
"That's enough for you tonight. Go get some rest." April said calmly.  
  
The world was blurred, my lips felt like I had just gotten a shot of Novocain.  
  
"I wanna fuck your brains out.I wanna hear you scream like you scream when Roger fucks you." I slurred some more.  
  
Suddenly, a hard slap across the face brought me back to reality.sort of.  
  
"What the fuck, Mark!" April said, and then grabbed my arm.  
  
Before I could stop them, both her and Roger dragged unsteadily me into my bedroom.  
  
"Wanna lie down?" I remember asking April before another hard slap sent me into a drunken oblivion, and I passed out.  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
As I lay in my bed with my arms around April once more, my mind drifted to what Mark had said. It was a few hours later, and after April and I had made the best drunken love ever, we lay there, passing in and out of consciousness.  
  
"Do you think he meant it?" I asked her finally.  
  
"Meant what, baby?" April asked drowsily.  
  
"About wanting to screw you.about." I started.  
  
"Don't worry about it. Mark was drunk, and is one of the most sexually repressed men I've ever met. He'll wake up tomorrow and forget all about it. Now go to sleep, babe."  
  
"Ok. Goodnight, the future Mrs. Davis."  
  
April giggled, and then replied, "Goodnight."  
  
A few moments passed and then I asked, "April?"  
  
"Yes?" she groaned.  
  
"Do you want kids?"  
  
"Oh Jesus."  
  
"No, seriously.I mean, do you want them? How many-two, three, ten? What about a house.do we still want to live here?" I asked, pouring out the confusion in my soul.  
  
April sighed, and turned around to face me.  
  
"I don't know, babe. I haven't really thought about it. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because we're going to the spend the rest of our lives together and."  
  
"And," she said, kissing me, "We have the rest of our lives to figure these things out. Now go to sleep before I cause you great pain."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."  
  
There was another silence, and then,  
  
"I love you," she said.  
  
"Now look who won't shut up!" I teased.  
  
"Ok, remind me not to tell you that anymore," she said in an injured tone.  
  
"Oh stop it, you're not fooling anyone." I said, laughing.  
  
There was another silence before I finally broke down and said, "I love you too."  
  
"Roger!" 


	3. A Little Unwell

Chapter 3- A Little Unwell  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
All day, staring at the ceiling  
  
Making friends with the shadows on my wall  
  
All night, hearing voices telling me  
  
That I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something  
  
Hangovers suck. This one in particular woke me up the next morning with a splitting headache and a dryer mouth than the Sahara desert. I rolled over, but stopped mid-roll when I felt my brain mash against the sides of my skull. Each time this happened, I always swore I wouldn't drink again. However, this had been a special need. God, since when had Mark Cohen ever NEEDED a drink? Wanted, sure. Wished for, definitely. But needed? As in could not go another fucking second watching two people so obviously in love so I needed to down the bottle of Absolut?  
  
Hold on, feeling like I'm heading for a breakdown  
  
And I don't know why.  
  
"Mark?" Roger yelled, banging on my bedroom door.  
  
"Oh for Christ's sake!" I yelled as I clutched my head with both hands.  
  
"Get up, it's almost two in the afternoon!"  
  
"Stop yelling, please!" I begged through gritted teeth.  
  
"Hey, you're the one that felt the need to down half a bottle of vodka last night, you dumbfuck!" he yelled for a third time.  
  
"I'll get up when my brain stops going numb."  
  
I could have sworn Roger snickered something about my brain was always numb, but I let it go and rolled back over.  
  
"Oh, my brain is dripping out through my ears." I groaned.  
  
I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know, right now, you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
  
A different side of me.  
  
A few minutes later, April came into the room. She looked a little hung over as well, but there was also something in her eyes that I couldn't quite pinpoint.anger? Fury, maybe? I had no idea. She sat down on the edge of the bed and handed me a cup of water and two Advil.  
  
"Thanks," I muttered.  
  
"Drink up!" she said sarcastically.  
  
"Cheers," I returned.  
  
A few moments later, I realized that the side of my face was aching a little.  
  
"Did I fall down stairs or anything last night?" I asked April.  
  
"No," she said, looking at me strangely, "Why?"  
  
"My face really hurts." I said, but trailed off at the look of surprise on her face.  
  
April's jaw dropped, and then her mouth slowly formed an o. She ran her fingers through her messy hair and then,  
  
"You honestly don't remember then, do you?" she said wonderingly.  
  
My stomach dropped. What crazy, unnatural thing had I done this time?  
  
"Um?" I asked intelligently.  
  
"Last night.we were all really drunk.and you were coming on to me like there was no tomorrow. I mean damn, I knew you were sexually repressed, but you were about to throw yourself on top of me...so finally I slapped you." April said slowly.  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know, right now, you don't care  
  
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be...  
  
Me.  
  
"Um... fuck?" I asked, as if she knew what the hell I was talking about.  
  
There was another silence. My face stung guiltily...she had done a good job leaving her mark.  
  
"Jesus, April, I'm so sorry! I don't know what the hell I did," I said, but quickly added as she started to open her mouth to speak, "I don't want to know. Whatever it was, consider it absolutely nothing."  
  
April shrugged. "I wasn't the one who was incredibly worried. It was old buddy-boy over there that didn't let me have a decent night's sleep, the bastard."  
  
I grinned and said, "Yeah, and I bet the headboard-banging sex you'll have later will be no consolation."  
  
April smiled and then suddenly slapped her forehead and cried out, "Oh shit, that's right! Roger and I were gonna spend the day together! I gotta get ready...owwwww!" she then added as an afterthought of slapping her forehead.  
  
"It won't take you that long to get ready for headboard-banging sex." I teased.  
  
"You're fucking hilarious-eat shit and die." April shot back.  
  
I settled comfortably back on the pillows and then waved her away.  
  
"I need more sleep. Leave." I laughed.  
  
April tousled my hair, and then said, "Consider me gone."  
  
She turned to leave, but then I called out, "Oh, April?"  
  
"Hm?" she said in an almost dream-like manner.  
  
"Congratulations on becoming the future Mrs. Davis. I don't think I said it last night..." I trailed off at the look on her face, "Ok, I definitely didn't say it last night, but I'm happy for you. You guys deserve the best."  
  
"Aw, I think I feel a tear coming down," she said teasingly, "See the tear?"  
  
I threw the plastic water cup at her. She ducked, and strolled out.  
  
Talking to myself in public  
  
And dodging glances on the train  
  
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me  
  
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think there's something wrong with me.  
  
Slowly, I turned over and faced the opposite wall. I couldn't believe this. I had acted like a complete ass, and now Roger was probably going to be pissed at me for a while now. However...my true feelings for April were coming out. They shouldn't have been, they weren't supposed to...but they had. She wasn't just a sex desire to me though, so it's a good thing I hadn't started spouting sonnets at her proclaiming my love for her, otherwise I'd be screwed. Suddenly, I heard Roger's footsteps outside my door.  
  
"Well fuck-a-doodle-doo!" I muttered to myself.  
  
"Mark?" Roger called again.  
  
"I'm nursing my brain back to health, go away." I said.  
  
Roger, because he was such a good listener, walked into my room.  
  
"How are you holding up?" he asked.  
  
"I think I'm going to curl up and die quietly somewhere. How would you be?" I asked bitterly.  
  
"I'd have my best friend hold the trigger," he laughed.  
  
"Something you'd probably do with pleasure."  
  
"Why do you say that?" he said, and stopped laughing.  
  
"Because of last night..."  
  
"Oh hell, Mark, I've been drunker than that and said worse things to scarier people. Don't sweat it, man."  
  
"April said that you kept worrying about it last night though," I said suspiciously.  
  
"But then I realized what a fucktard I was being, and stopped. Don't worry, dude."  
  
I sighed in relief, and with that sigh all the tension that had built up with the expectation of getting asked whether I had feelings for April.  
  
"Hey, Mark?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you have feelings for April?" Roger asked slowly.  
  
Shit.  
  
"What makes you think that?" I asked jokingly.  
  
"I don't know...it's just that sometimes the things a person hides inside of them come out when they're most vulnerable and least likely to realize what they're saying. I mean, you were saying some pretty hardcore stuff out there."  
  
What was I supposed to tell him? That I was in love with his fiancée? That I wished I had been the one to meet her instead of him? Great idea, Mark, he'll really go for that.  
  
"Umm.what makes you ask this?" I asked nervously.  
  
"Dude, it's a simple fucking question- do you have feelings for my girl?" Roger asked impatiently.  
  
This was it- right here, right now. Make a goddamned decision, Mark!  
  
"Nope." I stated firmly.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yes!" I said irritably.  
  
Roger nodded. "Well," he said, "I gotta go get ready to take April out."  
  
"Yeah. I'm staying in bed a bit longer. Have fun." I said.  
  
"Suck-ass hangover?" he smirked.  
  
I held my hand in my hands and nodded slightly, trying not to cause too much pain.  
  
"Well, I know just what will cheer you up!" Roger said, grinning ear to ear.  
  
"And what might that be?"  
  
"A poem!"  
  
I stared at him for a moment, wondering if it were possible that he was more hung over than I was.  
  
"Since when did you become fucking Shakespeare?"  
  
"Never. Just listen."  
  
Roger cleared his throat, and smiled impishly. Then, he recited:  
  
"Starkle, starkle, little twink  
  
Who the hell am I are you think?  
  
I've only had ti martoonies  
  
I'm not under the alfluence of inkahol  
  
Despite what many thekle pink.  
  
Oh my God, I fool so feelish!"  
  
By the time he was finished, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. Sometimes, it paid to have a best friend like Roger.  
  
"You are such a moron," I said laughingly to him.  
  
"Shut up," he said, and then smacked me upside the head.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Roger!" I yelled as pain shot through my head.  
  
"Sorry," he said, and then got up and left the room.  
  
I avoid the hours thinking somehow, I've lost my mind.  
  
(April's POV)  
  
I was in Roger's and my room brushing my hair when Roger came in and put his arms around me from behind.  
  
"Mmm, you smell good, baby," he murmured softly.  
  
"Thanks. Are you ready to go?"  
  
"Almost. I just need to brush my teeth," he said, letting go of me reluctantly.  
  
"Well go do that," I said, smacking his ass with my brush.  
  
"Oooh, I love it when you dominate me," Roger said as he leaned in to kiss me.  
  
"Ew, no. You haven't brushed your teeth yet. You come nowhere near my lips until then."  
  
Roger pouted, but trooped off to the bathroom.  
  
"So, where are we going?" I asked over the noise of running water.  
  
"Mmfee ma momees." Roger muttered through his toothbrush, "Ormm mmfee oumfm moo eamf."  
  
"Remarkable, he speaks German." I said to myself.  
  
Suddenly, the phone rang.  
  
"I'll get it," I called to Roger.  
  
"Surmf, mabe," he muttered.  
  
"Hello?" I asked as I picked up on the second ring.  
  
"Hey, April, it's Jack. Roger around?" came the voice of Jack, the bass player for the Well Hungarians.  
  
"Um.yea.hold on a second." I said, my stomach filling with dread.  
  
I ran back to the bathroom and found Roger gargling with water.  
  
"Babe, it's Jack." I said.  
  
"Oh really?" Roger said nonchalantly.  
  
"Oh don't play dumb! I swear, if you."  
  
But he had already gone to take the call.  
  
"Dammit!" I swore under my breath.  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know right now, you can't tell.  
  
I crept to the door and listened to Roger talk to Jack.  
  
"I can't man! I promised April." he was saying.  
  
He was silent a minute, then began again.  
  
"Can't it wait? Why not?" he protested weakly.  
  
Tears filled my eyes. He wasn't going to win this-now he'd have to choose. Someone was gonna end up feeling like shit, and I knew instinctively that person was going to be me. I was second rate. Roger hung up the phone.  
  
I know, right now, you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me.  
  
"Babe." he started upon seeing me there.  
  
"Save it Roger. Let me guess. Jack really needs you. The fucking band really needs you. What if I really need you?" I yelled, tears threatening to overflow my eyes.  
  
Roger stood quietly. His eyes, which had been sparkling and happy before, were now dull and lifeless.  
  
"April, you know I tried. You heard me argue with him. Jack said that." he started.  
  
I folded my arms in front of my chest.  
  
"Jack said this, Jack said that. Don't you have a backbone? Don't you have a say? Don't you know how to say no?"  
  
Roger's eyes grew dark as I struck a nerve.  
  
"My entire life doesn't revolve around you, April."  
  
"No, and it shouldn't, but all we do anymore is fuck and shoot up! When are you going to give me just a little moment of your life that doesn't involve either of those two things?"  
  
"When I get a fucking break!" Roger yelled, "When I can do something without you folding your arms and yelling and making me feel like I'm always the asshole!"  
  
"Don't even try to make this my fault!" I yelled furiously.  
  
"It's not like it's all mine!"  
  
"I'm not the one skipping out on everything we've tried to do together for the past month!"  
  
Roger went for the door and grabbed his jacket.  
  
"Where the hell are you going?" I demanded.  
  
"I can't fucking stand you right now. I've got band practice. I don't know when I'll be home." Roger said angrily, and then he left the loft.  
  
It was then I knew enough was enough. I collapsed on the floor sobbing, not caring if Mark heard. After a couple minutes, I numbly picked myself up off the floor and went to our bedroom. Making sure Mark wasn't trailing behind me, I opened our bedside nightstand and took out a needle. It was already filled with the poison that I craved. Roger and I hadn't used it the night before. This time, it was all me. Taking the elastic strip that lay next to the needle, I wrapped it tight around my arm until a vein pulsed out from my pale skin. Bracing myself for the sting of the needle, yet waiting impatiently for the rush that would come as soon as the needle had emptied of it's contents, I inserted the needle into my arm.  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know, right now, you don't care  
  
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be.  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
I slammed the door behind me and breathed in the fresh air. I didn't need this shit, not from the one person I thought would understand. I loved April more than anything, but dammit if I was going to let her come between the band and I.dammit if I was going to let her give me shit for my career. I walked in the brisk fall air down to Jack's apartment, where we held our band practices.  
  
"I need a fucking fix." I muttered angrily.  
  
It wasn't fair. How could you love someone as much as I loved April, and yet want to just.leave sometimes? There have been times where I didn't think I could spend another minute in that house because she was making me crazy. Is that normal? Is it right? The wind bit angrily at my cheeks as I rushed down the street to Jack's apartment  
  
I've been talking in my sleep  
  
Pretty soon they'll come to get me  
  
Yeah they'll take me away.  
  
After about ten minutes, I arrived at his old, beat-up building. Without bothering to knock, I stomped up the cement steps, went into the building, and then barged into Jack's apartment. The smell of pot filled my lungs with sweet perfume. Music was blasting from the basement and I went downstairs.  
  
"Roger-man!" yelled Ernie, the keyboard player.  
  
"Ya made it!" Jack said from across the room.  
  
"About damn time we got our front man in here!" added Josh, who played the drums.  
  
"Sorry guys." I mumbled.  
  
"Dude, where the fuck is your guitar?" Jack asked suddenly.  
  
I stared at him for a minute before I realized that I had left my precious Fender at home.  
  
"Shit. Sorry.April and I had a fight and I stormed out and."  
  
"Dude. We need to have a talk. Now." Jack interrupted.  
  
Ernie and Josh shot each other nervous glances, like they knew this had been coming. As Jack led me up the stairs, Ernie punched my arm lightly, and Josh shot me a sympathetic "You're so fucked" look. Once in the living room, I flopped on the couch and Jack made himself comfortable on the floor.  
  
"Ok. Are you serious about the band?" Jack asked me, looking me straight in the eye.  
  
"Of course I am! Think about how much time I've spent with you guys lately! Think about how much I've blown off April in the past month! Look, if this is about forgetting the guitar, I told you, we had a fight and I stormed out. I can go back home and get it." I said impatiently.  
  
"It is a big deal." Jack said firmly, "All I ever get anymore is bullshit about how you're blowing off April. Josh has Cassandra and I have Elle, but you don't hear us complaining!"  
  
"Yeah, but I don't think they're that happy with you guys nowadays, are they?"  
  
That struck a nerve, and Jack's face turned stony.  
  
"Listen, Elle and I are in a serious relationship and we deal with this our own way. You don't know the first thing."  
  
"Oh please!" I exploded, "I don't know? I just fucking proposed to April last night, alright? What do you say to that?"  
  
Jack gaped at me.  
  
"Well.uh, congratulations." he said.  
  
"Try not to sound so fucking fake, if it wouldn't kill you." I growled.  
  
Jack laughed harshly then said, "You know what fucking kills me? You!"  
  
Then he got up and shoved me hard against the back of the couch. I stood up furiously and shoved him back onto the floor.  
  
"You son of a bitch!" Jack yelled as he struggled to get to his feet. "You're fucking pussy-whipped, you know that?"  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.  
  
We circled each other like mad dogs; shoulders squared and fists ready.  
  
"Like you'd know the first fucking thing about love? I love this girl and lately, because of all the bullshit I've gotten from you, I've been in danger of losing her-and I swear if I do, and it has to do with you, I'll fucking kill you!" I yelled.  
  
I know, right now, you can't tell, but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see.  
  
The music stopped downstairs, and I could hear footsteps on the stairs.  
  
"You fucking make me sick, Davis! You used to give a shit about the band! Now, as long as you're getting ass, you're all set! What about the dreams we used to have? What about the gigs we have next week? I need a front man who's not going to flip because his girlfriend is missing out on a little more time with him! What-can't she take it? Is she afraid she's gonna have to find another dick to stuff herself with?"  
  
"You motherfucking bastard!" I shouted as I tackled Jack to the ground and punched him hard in the jaw.  
  
Ernie and Josh ran into the room to see this last part, and both made a move to try to break us up.  
  
"Stay out of it, guys!" Jack barked at them, "Davis just can't take pressure. He can't take knowing his girlfriend's a whore!"  
  
A different side of me.  
  
I snapped. I jumped him again and landed on top of him. I landed a punch to the face, another to the jaw, and two to the stomach. Jack's fist grazed my forehead and his foot jammed horribly into my ribcage. He swung again, and got my cheek. Finally, in a last attempt to get my point across, my fist connected with his mouth, causing a tooth to come out. Blood trickled from his mouth where the tooth was and where the jaw hinged together. There was a bruise on my forehead and cheek, and I could feel one forming near the bottom of my ribcage. My chest hurt.had I broken a rib?  
  
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know right now, you don't care  
  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be.  
  
"Now," I said menacingly, getting up a little off of Jack, "I don't ever- EVER- want to hear you talk shit about April like that ever again. If you do, I'll castrate you with a spoon and feed it to Elle. Got it?"  
  
Jack looked up sullenly, saying nothing.  
  
"Good." I spat out, and then walked out the door. 


	4. I Kissed A Drunk Girl

Chapter 4- I Kissed A Drunk Girl  
  
A/N: I know Roger has a wicked short point of view, but he's really not all that important in this chapter. Actually, this chapter is a lot shorter than the last one, but I promise it will deliver as much as the last three have! Also, I do have SoCo's song, "Drunk Girl" in here, but the chapter wasn't long enough to include the whole song-sorry!  
  
(April's POV)  
  
A couple hours after I had gotten high, I realized that I was running out of stash. I needed more. I was going to need another fix before the day was over. My high was starting to run low.  
  
"Way to spend the day, April.drowning your sorrows in heroin and alcohol." I muttered.  
  
I went back into Roger's room and raided the special drawer where we kept the drug money. There was five hundred in twenties and a few tens. I took three hundred, and then closed the door tightly. Then, I slipped on my coat, grabbed my purse, and went quietly out of the loft. Once outside, I went through all the back alleys that I knew of before I finally found who I was looking for.  
  
"Hey there sugar-come back for more?" The Man asked me.  
  
I nodded. "As much as you can give me with three hundred dollars."  
  
The Man raised an eyebrow. "That's quite a bit of fixing there. You must need it badly."  
  
"I do. Let me have it."  
  
He sidled over to me and wrapped a thin arm about my waist. I tried to pull away, but he held me fast.  
  
"I'll tell you what, cupcake. I've got enough that you could buy with four hundred. It's a pity you don't have that extra hundred to buy it off of me. But I'll tell you what-I'll make a deal. I'll give you the extra hundred for free if you," he gazed lingeringly at my breasts, "give me what I want."  
  
I pushed his arm away roughly. "I don't think so."  
  
The Man sighed. "Pity. And you were always so willing too."  
  
"Willing my ass. I never fucked you, and I never will. I'll never be that desperate to get a fix." I snarled as I snatched my three hundred's worth from him, pushed the money into his palm, and stormed out of the alley.  
  
"That's what they all say sweetheart-then they come running back for more with less to give-and then that's when they get desperate.when they don't think they can get a fix." The Man called after me.  
  
I walked quickly back to the loft, hoping that The Man wouldn't follow me. He was a creepy guy, and his only purpose in my life was to serve me my fixes. I snuck back into the loft, trying not to disturb Mark and have him ask questions. I wasn't in the mood to be fucking psychoanalyzed. Quickly, nearly perspiring with the anticipation of getting high again, I locked myself in Roger's room. I opened the drawer, and found the needle I had just used. Quickly, I filled up the needle, and then used the elastic to find a vein. I held my shaking hand over my arm, needle poised. But then, as I went to inject it into my veins, the needle snapped in half, squirting heroin everywhere and ridding me of my last needle.  
  
"Motherfuck it!" I screamed.  
  
I had been too hasty, I hadn't been careful. Without the proper angle and the right amount of pressure, there was a chance that I would mess up.and I did. I threw the remnants of the needle across the room and it landed in a corner.  
  
"Shit." I said as I fell backward on the floor.  
  
What the fuck could I do? Without a needle, my three hundred dollars were wasted! Suddenly, I remembered seeing a needle stuck in the pocket of The Man's jacket. If I could get close enough to snag it.then the idea struck. Hurriedly, I grabbed my jacket again and raced out of the loft and back to the alley where The Man resided.  
  
"Changed your mind, hot stuff?" he asked, leering at me.  
  
I shuddered inwardly, but instead purred, "You bet."  
  
Bravely, I tossed my head and went toward him. His arms encircled my waist again and pulled me close. Our lips were almost touching, and I could smell beer on his breath. I nearly gagged, but instead whispered silkily,  
  
"So, do I get my other hundred's worth?"  
  
"You're gonna have a whole hell of a lot more than that when I'm through with you." The Man said greasily.  
  
Then he leaned forward and kissed me. It was sloppy and wet, and his tongue was everywhere. However, I made little happy noises and let my hands roam. He pulled me in even closer and I could feel his hardness through my jeans. His hands wandered everywhere-my breasts, my ass.everywhere. I had the urge to shoot up so bad, but I had to lead him on, get the needle, and then run my ass home.  
  
"You wanna shoot up first?" he suddenly asked me.  
  
Overcome with the overwhelming desire to shoot up, I nodded. Then, I let him take a clean needle out of a packet of needles from his jeans, and give me my fix. He took his after me, and then the rest of a swirl of highness and fucking. He took me down to the ground with him and lay on top of me, lifting my shirt above my head. A small part inside of me wanted to run, told me that I should run and forget about the needle, to have Roger get another one tomorrow.but I was high. I didn't care. I was high and now a man was touching in all the right places in all the right ways. Nothing mattered except that I got my brains fucked out. His mouth was on my breasts now, nibbling and licking. His hands found his way down to a wet place, fingers dancing and reveling in the womanly juices.  
  
"Ooohhh." I moaned insatiably.  
  
"You like that, dontcha? You wanna be fucked. Say it!" he ordered.  
  
"I want to be fucked!" I cried out in a burst of orgasm.  
  
"You'll do anything for a fix, won't you?" he said as he crawled out of his jeans and undid mine.  
  
"Anything, just please give it to me!" cried the fucked up voice that was mine.  
  
And he did. He gave it to me the way a man knew how. We were pushed up low on the ground against the corner and he fucked me. His breathing became harsh and gravelly; my moans went higher in my heightened pleasure. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my prize-the needle. In the fuzziness of the world, I still remembered what I was here for. Pulling his body closer to mine and deeper into mine, I was able to grab the needle out of his pocket and toss it over my head onto my shirt in the corner. He never saw it-my pulling him deeper resulted in his orgasm. Now he was collapsed on top of me, sweat trickling down his face.  
  
"Damn you're a good fuck. Why don't you go professional? I'd sure as hell pay you for be mine for a night." he asked me lewdly.  
  
I had come right before he did, and realization sent me hurtling back to reality and the meaning of his words.  
  
"Wha...what?" I gasped.  
  
"Fucking. I'd pay you to do it." The Man repeated.  
  
I was still wicked fucked up, but I knew what he was saying.and became aware of his body on top of me.  
  
"Oh God! Get off!" I yelled and thrust him off of me.  
  
"What the fuck, you little bitch?" he cried angrily.  
  
"Just give me the extra hundred and let me go!" I yelled as reality sunk in. I had fucked a drug dealer for a little extra heroin. I was a slut. I hadn't meant for it go that far.I was just gonna kiss him to get him closer to steal the needle and then leave. But then he asked me if I wanted to shoot up.and my hunger overtook me.  
  
The Man grudgingly gave me the extra hundred dollar's worth.  
  
"Here, you ungrateful slut. Don't get all pious on me now, I heard you screaming and wailing. You'll be back," he said as I grabbed my shirt, put it on, and escaped with my needle.  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
I limped out of Jack's house and into the street. My ankle hurt like a bitch, and I had a throbbing pain in my chest. Suddenly, I heard Ernie calling my name.  
  
"Roger! Dude, hold up a second!"  
  
I stopped and shifted my weight to my other ankle. Ernie was rushing after me and putting on his coat in the process.  
  
"Yeah?" I asked acidly.  
  
"Oh man, don't take this out on me. What the fuck did you want us to do-get cuffed a few times for getting into something that had nothing to do with us?' Ernie complained.  
  
I stayed silent.  
  
"We think you broke Jack's jaw."  
  
"Good. I think he broke my rib."  
  
Ernie shook his head. "That's fucked up, Roger. He could press charges."  
  
"Aw, for Christ's sakes! I could too dammit- he attacked me first! Besides, it's my word against his." I said angrily.  
  
Ernie shrugged. "Whatever. I didn't want you walking home like that by yourself. Josh is taking care of Jack."  
  
I nodded and then said, "Thanks.man, April's gonna freak."  
  
"Don't go home right away. Come to the Life Café with me, and we'll grab a bite to eat and then maybe chill at my place for a bit. Stay as long as you want-I don't have a girl to go home to, ya know."  
  
"Oh, well I'm flattered Ernie, really." I joked.  
  
"Shut the fuck up you dumbfuck." Ernie returned laughingly.  
  
"Anyway, seriously, thanks for the offer, but I really gotta get home."  
  
"And face all of April's questions? Besides, I think that you guys need a bit more time to cool off. Come on, when was the last time that you and I just hung around?"  
  
I thought about it. I really didn't feel like going home at the moment. All that waited for me there was the things I wasn't ready to face.  
  
"Um.sure, I guess."  
  
"Don't sound so enthusiastic, dude." Ernie said sourly.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ernie, but I really just feel like being by myself at the moment. I need to sort some things out and it's not gonna happen if we're hanging around. Another time?" I asked, trying not to hurt his feelings.  
  
Ernie nodded and thumped me on the shoulder.  
  
"Yeah. I'll give you a call and let you know what the hell's up with Jack. Catch ya later, man."  
  
Then he walked away back toward Jack's apartment. I didn't look back, but just kept walking the other way- away from the band, and away from April. It must been two hours of alternately limping and sitting down on the side of the road to rest before I realized it was dark and cold. I was near the edge of Central Park, and there was no one around. I found a park bench, and lay down on it. I tucked myself deep into my jacket, and then pressed my forehead up against the coolness of the metal on the bench. Then, as the darkness and the pain enveloped me, I fell asleep; unaware of the fact that April would wonder where I was.  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
I heard the door slam and I knew that Roger had left. The sound of April's muffled cries drifted from the living room, but I resisted the urge to go to her. Maybe later, when my head didn't hurt so much and when she seemed to be in better shape. Besides, I didn't want to take the chance that she'd castrate the first male that she saw after that.  
  
I woke up a couple hours later with my headache still there and with my mouth still really dry.  
  
"Fucking hangovers." I muttered bitterly.  
  
The TV was blaring in the living room. There was no way I was going to get anymore sleep. I had slept most of the day away. Slowly, I crawled out of bed and went into the living room, ignoring the dull throb of pain in my head. When I reached the living room, I saw April sprawled in the center of the floor, with a new Absolut bottle by her side. It was dark outside now, and the light from the TV was the only thing lighting up the room.  
  
I kissed a drunk girl  
  
I kissed a drunk girl, yes I did  
  
Kissed a drunk girl on the lips.  
  
"April?" I asked, not sure whether she was asleep or passed out.  
  
She turned her head slowly in my direction.  
  
"Hey.Marky." she slurred softly.  
  
Marky? What the fuck.I knelt down beside her and slowly pried the Absolut bottle from her fingertips.  
  
I let my guard down  
  
How could I have been so dumb  
  
Her eyes were open.  
  
"Didn't we just go through the whole 'let's go get smashed' thing last night?" I asked her gently.  
  
"Yeah.but when you have a boyfriend like Roger Davis, it tends to happen a lot.oh wait.fiancée.that dickweed!" she slurred angrily.  
  
I sighed. If only there were some way that he could see April like this- maybe this would be enough to make him change. If this wasn't, then what the fuck would be?  
  
I sat down beside her, and propped her up against my chest. She snuggled in close, and I felt my heart go out to this girl. But at the same time, as her hair fell into my face and I breathed in its scent, I was intoxicated with caring for her. God, why me?  
  
"April, he loves you, whatever his faults are. And you love him too. Just." I trailed off, and rubbed my head.  
  
I felt like I needed another drink. I didn't want to become an alcoholic, but dammit if I didn't need another drink.  
  
I know I am not the one  
  
I know I am not the one  
  
I know I am not the one.  
  
"Marky.?" April asked me, straining to turn around and look at me.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Wanna have a drink with me?"  
  
"April, you're already trashed. It's probably not the best idea." I said, thought I was yearning for a drink deep down.  
  
"Big deal. Come on.besides, drinking alone ruins the reputation." she slurred.  
  
I looked at the bottle on the floor, and then back at her. Oh, fuck it.  
  
"I guess." I mumbled, raising the bottle to my lips, but relishing the feeling as it all went down.  
  
I kissed a drunk girl  
  
Why do I do these things I do to myself  
  
I kissed a drunk girl  
  
And I'm sure I could've been anybody else.  
  
After a little while, I felt the welcome buzz coming on. April was drunker still, and I intended on getting drunker still. April was full on in my lap now, and I had my arms around her waist. Any other night, I had wanted her. Tonight, I needed her.  
  
"Should I really marry Roger?" she asked me suddenly.  
  
I was stunned, but replied, "Only you can answer that. If you're having doubts though, maybe now's not the time."  
  
April took another large gulp of Absolut.  
  
"I know.but I trust you Mark. I value your opinion."  
  
I flushed and said, "Well, thank you."  
  
I drained some more vodka. I could get used to this.  
  
After about another half hour, the bottle was running low and we were both trashed out of our minds. Suddenly, April turned to face me and brought her face really close to mine.  
  
I went to her house  
  
And everybody there was gone  
  
Her little cousin just passed out on the lawn  
  
We walked to my car  
  
She mouthed is everything ok  
  
She leaned in slowly so now I can say.  
  
"Mark? How come you don't have a girlfriend?" she asked me, clinging to my shoulders.  
  
I giggled stupidly. "Because. I. Don't."  
  
She laughed drunkenly and then said, "Well then. When was the last time you got laid?"  
  
I murmured sleepily into her hair, "What?"  
  
"Laid," she said, drawing out each letter slowly, "Fucked. Screwed. Banged."  
  
"Ummm.sometime a couple years ago, I guess." I slurred.  
  
Our faces were close, so close.God I wanted her, all of her.but it wasn't right. My hand went instinctively out to her cheek and stroked it softly. At my touch, her eyes went from glassy and drunk to soft, and timid.  
  
And then there was darkness.  
  
I kissed a drunk girl  
  
Why do I do these things to myself  
  
I kissed a drunk girl  
  
And I'm sure I could have been anybody else  
  
Anybody else. 


	5. Gunning Down Romance

Chapter 5- Gunning Down Romance  
  
Hi, I just realized when I was in the middle of putting lyrics in this chapter that I haven't been crediting bands with their songs that I have used to emphasis any emotions in that chapter. From now on I will do so, but I just want to give justice to the ones I've used so far: Chapter 1, Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, Chapter 2, Old Love by Eric Clapton, Chapter 3, Unwell by Matchbox Twenty, Chapter 4, Drunk Girl by Something Corporate, and this one is Gunning Down Romance, by Savage Garden. Thanks, and enjoy!  
  
(April's POV)  
  
I woke up in mine and Roger's bed disoriented and hung over.again. If it were fucking New Year's I would have made a resolution to stay away from the Absolut bottle. Yeah, sure.I turned my eyes to the clock and saw that it was only eleven o'clock. I must have fallen asleep early the night before.the night before.and then I rolled over and found Mark lying there next to me.  
  
Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain  
  
And feelings of aggressions are the absence of the love drug in  
  
In your veins.  
  
"Oh. My God. Oh my God!" I yelled.  
  
Mark started, and then stirred. As he yawned lazily, he opened his eyes and saw me there.  
  
"Holy hell! April?" he yelled louder than I had.  
  
There was a moment of pure, utter silence as we both lay there, staring at each other, jaws slack and eyes wide.  
  
"Did we.?" I asked timidly.  
  
"I was gonna ask you the same damned thing." Mark said grimly.  
  
Shit. This couldn't have been good. I glanced under the covers and saw that I was fully clothed except for my bra, which lay tangled in the sheets at the foot of the bed.  
  
Love come quickly  
  
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in.  
  
"I'm not wearing my bra." I stated.  
  
Mark looked underneath.  
  
"I have my pants on.but no boxers." he reported.  
  
Well, at least we weren't buck naked and lying in each other's arms. That would have been a sight for Roger to see when he came home.Roger!  
  
"Oh my God did Roger come home last night?" I asked in a panic.  
  
Mark shook his head.  
  
"I doubt it. This room belongs to you guys, and if he had I think we would have faced a ruder awakening than this."  
  
"But what if he did and found us sleeping like that and thought the worst and ran out and." I said, and started crying.  
  
Mark awkwardly patted my arm.  
  
"April, I'd rather like to think that he would have at least beat the shit out of me before running out like that. Trust me, he's probably at Jack's right now."  
  
I sniffled and replied, "Yeah, probably not even thinking about me."  
  
"Not true, I bet he's wondering what you're doing at.this.instant." Mark trailed off as I gave him a stony glare.  
  
"Yeah, I'm in bed with his best friend with my bra off and your boxers missing. I'm sure he'd love that." I mumbled.  
  
It's on the brink  
  
Love come quickly.  
  
"I think we need to calm down. What was the last thing you remember?" Mark asked reasonably.  
  
I shook my head slowly as I tried to fall through the depths of my mind and pull out any sort of familiarity.  
  
"I have no fucking clue. I don't remember a damn thing-do you?" I replied after a couple minutes.  
  
Mark thought a minute.  
  
"I don't know either," he said finally, "But the last thing I remember.is probably when I woke up from being hung over and finding you with the bottle of Absolut in the living room. It's all a blank from there."  
  
"I can't even fucking remember that! The last thing I remember is.God, probably my fight with Roger! Jesus Christ!" I cried out.  
  
I jumped up from the bed and grabbed my bra. As I searched the room for Mark's boxers, I felt a frantic sort of panic built up in my chest. Ok, so his boxers were gone-maybe they fell off? Bullshit, April-horrible bullshit. Ok, but my bra-I never sleep in them! This could all have a perfectly reasonable explanation. I hoped.  
  
"Now what?" I asked, after giving up on finding Mark's boxers.  
  
Mark sighed resignedly. "No fucking clue. But, the mantra I'd go by right now would have to be 'innocent until proven guilty'. There's no proof that we did anything wrong."  
  
"But the little we do have seems to point in the other direction." I said miserably.  
  
Mark was silent, and then he got up out of bed and came over to me.  
  
"Listen, we just have to stay calm and not tell Roger anything. Seeing as neither of us can remember anything earth shattering, we can go on the assumption that nothing happened," he said.  
  
"In other words-lie." I replied.  
  
"Well.in other words, yes." Mark said uneasily.  
  
Mark dropped the note and watched it flutter to the floor. I turned away and walked slowly to the living room. As I went on my way to my bedroom, I saw the picture of Roger and I sitting on top of the TV. I went over to it, and picked up the heavy silver frame.  
  
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in  
  
It's in my skin.  
  
"April." Mark whispered from the kitchen.  
  
"Don't Mark. Save your fucking breath." I said and walked into the bedroom, bringing the picture with me.  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
I opened my eyes and blinked in the bright sunlight. The night before, I had gone back to the loft and slipped a note through the door saying that I was at Ernie's and that I'd come home at noontime.but then turned around and went back to my park bench. I spent the night there; watching the stars twinkle and feeling time pass me by. I thought mostly about April. God, I adored her. Part pf me wanted to run back home, but I knew she'd still be pissed at me. I needed to wait. Slowly, I stretched and sat up against the bench. It was eleven thirty-half and hour before I'd promised to be home. As I got up, I decided to stop somewhere and pick up donuts.maybe I'd take her to dinner tonight.  
  
Love an other socially acceptable emotions are morphine  
  
They're morphine.  
  
"Hey! Davis!" someone yelled from across the street.  
  
I looked up. Josh was standing on the curb and waving. I waved back as he jogged over.  
  
"What's the front man of the Well Hungarians doing sleeping on a park bench?" he asked when he came closer.  
  
"I didn't go home last night." I said gruffly.  
  
"Why not?" he asked as he sat down.  
  
"April.she's probably still pissed.not that I don't deserve it."  
  
"You gotta go home, dude."  
  
"When I know she's calmed down.in about twenty minutes." I amended.  
  
"Jack's jaw is broken." Josh announced after a heavy silence. "I was on my way over to your place to tell you.  
  
I sat in silence.  
  
"He's got it in for you pretty bad now."  
  
More silence.  
  
"You have to make sure you steer clear of him."  
  
"What about the band?" I asked finally.  
  
"Well." Josh started uneasily.  
  
I looked at him questioningly.  
  
"We either need a new bass player, or a new front man. We can't have these constant fights breaking out. You guys will never be able to be in the same room together anymore without starting shit."  
  
My eyes burned with unseen fire as I asked, "And let me guess-Jack wins out."  
  
"Roger, it's just that he's most of the money behind the band.he gets us most of our gigs."  
  
"Yeah, that and the fact that yours and Ernie's lips are permanently attached to Jack's ass. Well, not mine." I growled as I got up and started to walk away.  
  
"Roger, don't take this the wrong way." Josh started.  
  
"Let me know how the search for a new front man goes, though God knows you'll have a hell of a time trying to find a better one than me." I spat as I walked away.  
  
I streets of the East Village became a blur as I rushed home. I burst in the door five minutes later, eyes blazing.  
  
"Roger?" Mark called from his room.  
  
April scampered out from our room, hair a tangled mass and bathrobe wrapped around her.  
  
"Babe? What's wrong?" was the first thing she asked.  
  
"Leave me alone," I said, and stormed into our room.  
  
She stuck her foot in the doorway before I could slam the door.  
  
"What the fuck, Roger!" she said, and tried to give me a hug.  
  
I shoved her away roughly. She fell into the bed.  
  
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen  
  
Love, I beg you.  
  
"I said leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled.  
  
April's eyes watered, but she stayed strong. Why couldn't she see that I didn't need this shit right now?  
  
"Roger, stop it! What the hell is wrong with you?" she cried.  
  
I turned to her and said, "There's no more band, alright?"  
  
She opened and closed her mouth a few times.  
  
"W-what?" she stammered.  
  
"That's right-no more Well Hungarians."  
  
"Why?" she asked almost desperately.  
  
"Yesterday at Jack's house, Jack and I got into a fist fight. He bruised my ribs and tore up my forehead. I broke his jaw and knocked out a tooth. Seeing as we can't be in the same room together anymore, Josh and Ernie decided that we needed to replace one of us-because Jack supplies most of the money and the gig opportunities, I lost." I said, both angry and sad at the same time.  
  
April said nothing for a moment, but then asked, "Are you alright?"  
  
"Do I fucking look alright to you?" I yelled again, forgetting that I had been defending her to Jack just a mere twelve hours ago.  
  
She bit her lip and tried to keep from crying. For a moment, just looking at the whimpering mass of woman in front of me made me sick.  
  
"Don't fucking pretend you're not happy. Now you've got one less thing to nag at me about." I said harshly.  
  
April's head shot up and her eyes grew large.  
  
"How could you say that? I know you love the band, and how important it was to you.you know I supported you," she whispered.  
  
"Yeah, ok, that's why you always gave me shit about it."  
  
"Only when you started constantly ignoring me! Don't try to act like this was my fault! You know damn well I put up with more than I should from you!" she cried out.  
  
"Put up with? You put up with me? Is that all it is to you, just a fucking game? Just something you can toy with or fuck with when the mood strikes you?" I asked, staring her down coldly.  
  
"I never said that!" April almost begged.  
  
Lift me up into that privileged point of view  
  
The world of two.  
  
"Whatever. I'm going to the Pyramid Club. I'll be back late-don't bother waiting up."  
  
With that, I grabbed the leather jacket that I had just so recently tossed on the floor when I walked in, and strutted out. Before I reached the door, I caught April slump to the floor sobbing out of the corner of my eye. A stab of pity knifed my heart, but my rage kept me from showing I cared. Suddenly, Mark was in front of me, arms folded and tapping his foot.  
  
"Well, I sure hope you're proud of yourself, you asshole," he said.  
  
"I didn't do anything.she pissed me off." I replied.  
  
"Sure, and I'm the Queen fucking Mother. What the hell makes you think you can treat her like this?" he demanded.  
  
I opened my mouth to reply when suddenly, April appeared from behind me.  
  
"Let it go Mark," she said softly.  
  
"But, April, he."  
  
"Let it go. He's not worth the effort." April repeated.  
  
Then, with a sad smile, she slipped her engagement ring off of her finger, and dropped with a soft plink at my feet. Then she turned away and closed the door to our room softly. The world froze, and my mind went numb. Say goodbye to that Roger Davis reality, cause with each beat of silence afterward, the neon lights surrounding my name blew out.  
  
Love, don't leave me  
  
Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true  
  
I really do.  
  
"Happy now?" Mark smirked.  
  
I didn't answer, just slowly bent over and picked up the ring. Then, I stalked out the front door feeling like I had lost the most precious thing on Earth.  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
I watched Roger leave and felt sick. This wasn't the way things should be, it wasn't right. Suddenly, I heard a loud crash from April and Roger's room, heard the sound of April swearing through her tears. I gave up my ideas of stoic grandeur and ran in there to help her. There were shards of broken glass at April's feet and the silver picture frame lay a few feet away from the glass. The picture sat crumpled in its frame.  
  
I'm gunning down romance  
  
It never did a thing for me.  
  
"Oh, Christ, April." I started, and bent over to help her pick up the glass.  
  
"Don't Mark, you'll."  
  
"Shit!" I swore as my finger started to bleed and I dropped the shard I had been holding.  
  
".Cut yourself." April finished.  
  
She reached for the picture frame, tossed it on the bed, and then tenderly reached for my hand. Taking a corner of the shirt that she was wearing, she wrapped it around my finger. As she did so, my finger brushed the soft skin underneath. I shuddered and felt something stir inside me.and suddenly, I was kissing her. It didn't matter what might have happened last night or with Roger.all I knew was that I was holding the most beautiful girl in the world in my arms and her lips were on mine.and it was right.  
  
But heartache and misery  
  
Ain't nothing but a tragedy  
  
Love don't leave me.  
  
"Mark?" she murmured against my lips.  
  
"Mmm?"  
  
"Take me to bed."  
  
It was hypnotic, it was dream-like and sacred; the way I gathered her in my arms and lifted her, careful not to step on broken glass. I put her to bed, and drew the covers up to her waist. Then, I leaned over and gently kissed her again. She locked her arms around my neck and drew me nearer, and I savored the feeling of her body against mine. She felt warm and soft, and my lips trailed down her neck, worshipping every inch of her flesh. It'd been so long since I'd felt a woman against me, and she was more than amazing. Suddenly, my knee crunched on something-the picture. Roger's creased face stared up at me, completely oblivious of the reality outside the photograph.  
  
Take these broken wings  
  
I'm going to take these broken wings  
  
And learn to fly.  
  
"Oh my God," I said, and sat up quickly.  
  
"What?" April asked from beneath me.  
  
"His.face! It was." I stammered, and then lifted up the picture.  
  
And learn to fly away. April sighed, grabbed the picture, and shoved it in the nightstand. Then, she reached upward and drew me down to her again. It took all of my strength to break away.  
  
"Don't.don't." I said quietly; regretfully.  
  
"What?" she asked me.  
  
"We can't do this. Roger's my best friend, he's your fiancé."  
  
"Not anymore!"  
  
"Oh for fuck's sake, April, you love him, whatever wrong you consider it to be!"  
  
She fell silent.  
  
"And I.I'll go back into my shell and pretend that I never came alive when I kissed you." I said softly, and got up to leave.  
  
And learn to fly away.  
  
There was something about the look on her face that made me hesitate.but not long enough.  
  
"We can't." I said, trying to convince myself more than anything else.  
  
Then, I steeled my nerve and left her room. 


	6. Pretend I'm NotYou're All I Got

Chapter 7- Pretend I'm Not; You're All I Got  
  
Sorry for the long wait-I've been working a lot and then filling the rest of the time with Christmas shopping. Happy holidays, everyone, and enjoy the new chapter! I'll try to update sooner than this one was, but I have midterms, two term papers, work, and my winter formal coming up, so who knows? Song for this chapter is Faint, by Linkin Park.  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
My hands trembled as I locked myself in my bedroom. If it was possible to know perfection only once in life, kissing her had been it. I could almost feel the place on my mouth where her lips had bruised mine. My jeans tightened unbearably at the thought, and I craved her. She was everything I had ever wanted and more. How could something so morally wrong feel so incredibly right?  
  
I am a little bit of loneliness  
  
A little bit of disregard  
  
Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars.  
  
"You're not making it any easier, Cohen." I muttered to myself in annoyance.  
  
As if things weren't weird enough after waking up together this morning, and not being able to remember a goddamned thing. Then when Roger came home. . . and the way he treated her. She had let him off the hook so easily. . . but I knew she was nowhere even close to being let off his hook. Did she even want to be let off? Suddenly, a knock sounded on my door.  
  
"Yeah?" I asked.  
  
"Mark?" April called from the other side of the door.  
  
Shit. I was trying to hide from her, trying to deny that I needed her more than the stale apartment air that was filling my lungs. . . not that I was breathing at the moment. For the past fifteen minutes, I think I had forgotten how to breathe.  
  
I am what I want you to want  
  
What I want you to feel  
  
Bu it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you to just believe this is real.  
  
"Um. . . yea?" I called back nervously.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"No!" I cried out, scrambling away from the door as if I'd been burned.  
  
"Why not? Listen, I'm sorry about before."  
  
Oh God, that was the last thing I needed to hear the epitome of perfection say. It was like an angel saying "Oops, sorry, didn't mean to bless you, let me take it back." But we couldn't take that moment back and I'd be damned if I ever had to.  
  
"Don't be sorry, April. It was great. . . awesome. . . glorious. . . wonderful. . . but it was wrong."  
  
"Was it really so wrong?" she asked me, and I heard her lean against the doorframe. "Feelings sometimes have a mind of their own, and if they give up on your head and take over your heart, what choice do you have but to act on it?"  
  
I sat down on the floor in front of my bed and thought about what she said. It did have merit. . . I was the one who had felt the connection and felt it deep enough to dive in and go for the gold.  
  
"Well. . . it was wrong, but it also wasn't. I loved every fucking second of it, but it wasn't right. It couldn't have been! Roger." I said, stumbling idiotically over my words.  
  
"Roger had his chance." April said with amazing calm.  
  
"You can't just stop loving someone." I stuttered, trying to hold on to my rapidly fraying resolve to not open that door.  
  
"No. . . but. . ." she paused, then added, "It's hard to explain."  
  
I sighed. She was one hell of a woman. I wanted so badly to open that door. Suddenly, I heard the sound of something picking at the lock of my door.  
  
"April?"  
  
"It's not going to be like this," she said forcefully, "I'm coming in whether you like it or not!"  
  
I jumped up and shoved all my weight against the door just as she succeeded in opening it. The door started to slam shut, but she stuck her foot in and pried it back open.  
  
"Don't!" I begged.  
  
"I won't let it be like this! We can't just pretend nothing happened!" she said with more determination as she heaved against my weight.  
  
So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do  
  
Face away and pretend that I'm not  
  
But I'll be here cause you're all that I got.  
  
I pushed back harder and caused her to yelp as I closed the door on her foot. I cursed inwardly, but then fumbled for the lock. I had almost gotten there when suddenly I was flying across the room and the door with me. April stood there in the debris afterward like a prize champion fighter.  
  
"What the. . . my door! You. . ."  
  
"Charged at it? Yes, I did." April replied.  
  
I gingerly sat up and succeeded in having the door fall over, banging me on the forehead.  
  
"Fuuuuuuuck!" I moaned, and pushed the door aside. It fell lopsidedly on the bed, and April stood above me looking amused.  
  
"You're going to have a major headache later on," she stated.  
  
"Duly noted." I replied sourly. "It's all your fault."  
  
"Why, cause you were being a dumbass and wouldn't let me in?"  
  
"I can't let you in! I don't trust myself, and now you, to be blunt!" I said, trying to feel angry but not quite feeling it.  
  
"You can't let me in because you're too damned busy trying to push me out! Why can't you let yourself feel what you feel?" April cried out.  
  
Her brow was furrowed, her cheeks were flushed, and she absently ran her fingers through her hair. She was beautiful in her bewilderment, and I hated her for it in that instant. I took a deep breath and decided to attempt to explain why I couldn't let her in.  
  
I can't feel the way I did before  
  
Don't turn your back on me; I won't be ignored.  
  
"Because. . . it's not that easy. Because if I do let you in and let myself feel everything I felt when I held you in my arms not ten minutes ago, then I'll fall apart, I'll become a train wreck. I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I ever messed anything up between you and Roger. I was happy being the unrequited lover. . . but then you came along the other night full of sadness and questions, and all I wanted to do was hold you. . . just hold you. Instead, I got so much more than I ever expected, and damn it but I wanted you, and damn it if I think I'm going to do anything about it. I can't love you and hate myself for it at the same time, but if it's what I have to do to ensure that I don't fuck up something that's better than me, then I'll do it." I rambled, not sure if I was making sense and not really caring.  
  
Tears were running down her face and a sad smile was making its way across my lips.  
  
"I'm content," I continued, "Just with loving you. . . just the simple act of being in love with you and waking up each morning knowing that you're here. Just the idea that I couldn't possibly fall deeper in love with you if I tried, but ending every day knowing that I love you more than I did the day before. I love you, April Watson, and I'm ok with that."  
  
"Mark. . ." she started, but I gently touched a finger to her lips.  
  
"I know I sound crazy, and you're probably wondering how I could possibly love you in the way that love means, but just trust me when I say it hit like a bolt of lightening and it gets stronger all the time. But I don't want you to worry about me. Worry about Roger. He loves you. I don't want to change that."  
  
Time won't tell; don't turn your back on me  
  
I won't be ignored.  
  
"You say you love me," April started, taking a shaky breath, "And you say that you don't want to fuck things up. But look at us- he and I always fight now, and every fight we have, every barbed poisoned word he sends my way makes me fall more out of love with him. I can only go so long before I hit rock bottom. But just spending more time with you in the past two days, I've realized I'll never hit rock bottom. You're here, you've always been here. My only problem is that I don't know how long I can go on ignoring that you're here."  
  
She finished and exhaled, and took a few slow steps toward me. I was barely breathing as she pushed her face close up to mine.  
  
"I can't keep ignoring you forever, Mark."  
  
"Sure you can. Do what you've done up until two days ago- I was the boyfriend's best friend that you were friends with. That solves one of your two problems."  
  
"Two?" she asked in confusion, though her voice came out barely above a whisper.  
  
"One would be trying to ignore me, which shouldn't be hard. The other is that you're in love with Roger. Don't protest, don't try to tell me you're not. You are."  
  
April fell silent under my words.  
  
"It's not wrong to love him, April. Every couple goes through hard times. If no one did, the world would be perfect and therefore boring. I love watching you guys together sometimes-you're the light of his life. He kicks himself every time he makes you cry. He loves you with every bit of his being. Don't ever lose sight of that." I said softly.  
  
I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident  
  
Cause you don't understand I do what I can and sometimes I don't make sense.  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
I am what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt  
  
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out.  
  
The music blared all around me at the Pyramid Club, even though it was only mid afternoon. There was a band playing a set on stage that starred teenage guys hoping to be the next idols of New York City. Fat fucking chance. I gulped down some more Sam Adams and then plunked the bottle down roughly on the counter.  
  
"Tough day, Roger?" asked Dean, who was the bartender.  
  
"You don't say?" I asked sarcastically.  
  
Dean smiled sympathetically, then said, "Then the next one's on the house."  
  
"Cheers." I said as we clinked bottles together and downed them.  
  
"Fighting with April?" he asked after the second bottle of beer.  
  
"Yeah. . . April and the band. The two don't seem to mix very well. I'm trying so hard to keep the two things that matter most in my life together, but it's difficult. I don't know. . . I've been an asshole to her lately. She doesn't deserve it but I just keep taking shit out on her." I replied.  
  
"So you mean that you weren't fighting before?"  
  
"Not until Jack started getting us more gigs here. Then I was always at practice or at a gig, and April took a backseat unless we wanted to fuck. She let me have it the other night, and I can't say that I blame her."  
  
"If Roger Davis, heartbreaker-stud extraordinaire, is feeling guilty about the way he's treating a girl, then it must be serious." Dean joked as he wiped down the counter and tossed my bottles in the bin beneath the counter.  
  
"Serious enough where I proposed to her last night." I countered.  
  
Dean whistled under his breath.  
  
"Sounds like this one's got you good."  
  
"She does. She means the world to me. But then the band took off."  
  
"She understands that's bound to happen, right?"  
  
"Not anymore" I said angrily.  
  
"Huh? What happened, man?" Dean asked in surprise.  
  
"Buy me another beer and maybe I'll tell you."  
  
Dean slid another Sam Adams toward me and then drummed his fingers on the counter.  
  
"Let's hear it."  
  
"Jack and I got into a really bad fistfight yesterday. He said some shit about April and about how my commitment to the band sucks. Words and blows were exchanged-rated R for violence, language and gore." I said in a shitty attempt to make a joke.  
  
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do  
  
Face away and pretend I'm not, but I'll be here cause you're all that I got.  
  
"That sucks. So now you're out of the band for messing with the money behind it?"  
  
"So it would seem. It was either that or take him out. I guess that Josh and Ernie decided that wouldn't be too swift."  
  
"Taking you out was less swift-the band will go down shit creek without you." Dean said in determination.  
  
"Somehow, I think they'll survive. But you're right, Dean. No one was as committed body and soul to that band as I was. Sure, Jack had the money and the advertising connections. I had the love of music. They know it too, but they probably figure they don't need heart and soul to sell well and make money."  
  
"They're stupid fuckers, don't. . . let. . .it. . .you fought with April over that too, didn't you?" he said, trailing off at the look on my face.  
  
"Yeah. I accused her of being happy about it because now she wouldn't have to nag me about never being home." I said miserably.  
  
"Harsh, man. Real harsh."  
  
"Give me another beer so I don't have to be constantly reminded of that. Christ, she threw the fucking ring I gave her at my feet when I did that, right before I stormed out. I was engaged for half a day! How pathetic is that? Where's my beer?" I asked.  
  
Dean shook his head.  
  
"Nope. I'm cutting you off. You're too worked up, buddy. Maybe another time."  
  
"A real friend would let his friend get shitfaced." I said sourly.  
  
"I'm sure. How about you occupy yourself with the eye candy that just walked in over there?" he said, and pointed to a woman who obviously held more than attention of just Dean.  
  
"Girlfriend." I said pointedly.  
  
"Like that ever stopped you before."  
  
"If you hadn't bought me two beers, I'd take a swing at you for that."  
  
"No you fucking wouldn't because I've kicked your puny ass before. There's nothing wrong with looking-you're not fucking Jesus, ya know."  
  
The woman, either oblivious to or ignoring the stares and catcalls that she was receiving, strolled over to the counter just then. She leaned on the polished wood and waved Dean over.  
  
"Rum and coke on the rocks," she yelled over the music.  
  
"Sure thing, um. . ."  
  
"Maureen."  
  
"Alrighty then, Miss Maureen, coming right up."  
  
"You're such a fucking ladies' man," I muttered when he came close enough.  
  
"Fuck off, it's not my fault you're not as sexy as I am," he replied, and went about making her rum and coke.  
  
I rolled my eyes heavenward, and then glanced over to see Maureen sit down on the bar stool next to me.  
  
"Let me guess. Bored, angry, or both." Maureen said as she turned to face me.  
  
"What?"  
  
"There aren't too many reasons why a guy would come to a bar and drink at four in the afternoon. It's either got to be because you're bored, angry, or both," she stated.  
  
"Your perceptiveness astounds me. I'm angry, so consider yourself right." I said, and slapped some money down on the counter for Dean.  
  
"I'm out!" I yelled over the so-called punk/ska music being played by the band called Ass Over Teacup.  
  
"Later, dude!" Dean waved from the other side of the bar where he was talking to yet another beautiful woman.  
  
"Excuse me," I muttered as I squeezed in between mine and Maureen's chairs to get out of the bar.  
  
"Hey! One thing!" she called after me.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Just tell her you love her, and then take her to dinner. It'll turn out fine." Maureen said, giving me a knowing look saying that guys were assholes who had to be told how to treat their girlfriends.  
  
She wasn't too far from the truth.  
  
"Thanks," I said, and then turned and left.  
  
(April's POV)  
  
I can't feel the way I did before  
  
Don't turn your back on me  
  
I won't be ignored.  
  
Ever have those moments where time stops and then you start to argue with yourself? Sort of like those cartoons where the angel and the devil inside you appear on opposite shoulders and start to debate whether you should go through with what you're about to do. I was in the middle of one of those moments. Here I was, sitting there with Mark, and part of me wanted so badly to be in his arms. Not necessarily in a sexual sense, but in the sense of wanting to feel loved and cared about. It wasn't fair. There was no way that I could get out of this unscathed, without fucking up in some way. But then there was Roger. He was beautiful in his anger, and he had his moments. He was loving and caring, and raw to touch when he was high. He could cut me deep but sew me back up with those musicians' hands of his. I loved him with every fiber that made me up, but at the same time I knew I couldn't take much more of this. I had to be reasonable though. The actual hardcore fighting started two days ago. Before it was just a buildup. Maybe the worst was over, maybe we could start anew. . . and maybe I was royalty and, like Anastasia, didn't know it.  
  
Time won't tell, don't turn your back on me  
  
I won't be ignored.  
  
"You want to forgive Roger, don't you?" Mark asked me, interrupting my thoughts.  
  
I looked down at him. He was sitting against the bed, I was crouched over him. Sitting down comfortably next to him, I replied,  
  
"Yes. I do, I always do. There are no questions there. But with forgiveness comes new trust and a new chance for him to break my heart. I don't want to chance that, but he's the best thing that's ever happened to me as of yet. I'd have to forgive myself first, though."  
  
"Forgive yourself?" Mark asked questioningly.  
  
I sighed. "Yeah. I've never been a very forgiving person. I don't give second chances, but at the same time, I don't ask for them. It sorta goes hand in hand with the fact that I hate to ask for help and I hate to cry. I see it as a sort of weakness- but only in myself. Never in anyone else. Maybe I was born with an extra male chromosome. . ."  
  
Now, hear me out now!  
  
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not, right now!  
  
Hear me out now!  
  
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not, right now.  
  
Mark nodded, and put an arm around me.  
  
"So you're saying that you'd have to forgive yourself for forgiving Roger? Because it's almost like a sign. . ."  
  
"Of weakness." I finished for him.  
  
"April, you're anything but weak. Do you have any idea what I see when I look at you? What Roger sees when he looks at you?"  
  
I shook my head. I honestly couldn't see anything that could make someone fall in love with me the way either man had.  
  
"You're beautiful. You're caring, you're loving, and the world lights up whenever you smile." Mark said slowly, as if he were trying to get me to grasp his meaning fully.  
  
"Stop being so nice to me. I don't deserve it."  
  
"Sure you do. Besides, I'm Mark, the nice guy. . . I roll with it and take it however it's given to me."  
  
"In other words, life plants its oversized foot up your ass daily." I said candidly.  
  
Mark grimaced at the thought. "Yeah, just a little."  
  
I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed.  
  
"Think it'll ever get any better for any of us?"  
  
Mark looked up at me in surprise. "What do you mean?"  
  
I mean, I thought in my head, will Roger and I ever get off heroin? Will I ever mean more to anyone than a good lay? Will I be able to ignore Mark forever? A bunch of questions crowded my head, none of which I could bring myself to say aloud.  
  
"I just mean.well."  
  
And at that moment, our eyes met. They were fused together by time and hope. It was anything to just get out of this hell we were living, and at that moment, I knew we had found it. Mark's concerned brown eyes burned into my clouded green ones, and I felt myself falling.just falling. But for some reason, the rock bottom that I could have sworn I was just inches from hitting never came. Instead I found my lips falling slowly towards Mark's, and every second I didn't kiss him was agony as I had never felt before.  
  
I can't feel the way I did before  
  
Don't turn your back on me  
  
I won't be ignored..  
  
"April." he whispered huskily as a hand trailed down my cheek and stayed on my neck. He brought me closer until I could feel his breath on my cheek.  
  
"I.Mark, I." I started but suddenly stopped as I heard the sound of the loft door opening and heard Roger enter the loft.  
  
We broke away quickly and Mark leaped a few feet away from me with a regretful look on his face. Roger strode into Mark's room and dropped instantly to his knees in front of me.  
  
"April, baby, please, just for a second, listen to me."  
  
I tried hard to make my face stone cold and impassive.  
  
"I suppose so."  
  
"I'm a fuck-up. I know I am and dammit if I wish I could change. You'll never know how sorry I am for the things I said to you for the past.while. And I know there's only so many times I can apologize and beg for forgiveness. But I'd die without you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the light that warms my heart and keeps me from freezing to death every day. You're the smile that makes me feel like I could die happy just staring at it and feeling the love in it." he said sincerely, his eyes hopeful.  
  
Time won't tell, don't turn your back on me  
  
I won't be ignored.  
  
"Roger," I interrupted, "How long am I supposed to forgive and forget? How long am I supposed to pretend that the things you said to me never existed? What reason can you give me to forgive you again?"  
  
He took my hands in his and kissed each fingertip on each hand.  
  
"Like I said- I'm a fuck-up. I can't remember a single day in my life where I didn't screw something up whether it be my grades, you, a friendship, or the dishes! But I'm your fuck-up. And I can't live without you. Please, April, put the ring back on and hold me in your arms again. I couldn't bear to feel the light fading from your eyes, to know it fades in my heart. I don't ever want that to happen, and being with you is a surefire way to make sure it doesn't."  
  
I took one look at him, and glanced at Mark over my shoulder.  
  
"Go," he mouthed. "Take him back."  
  
Mark looked so sad and hang-dog, but at the same time, he was doing this for me. I loved Roger, even though I was a little unsure about how it would work out. Mark had been right. I didn't want to be let off the hook- it just might give the notion that I could run away for the rest of my life.  
  
"Alright Roger." I said, and slipped the ring on my finger.  
  
Roger's face broke into a huge smile.  
  
"I swear, you'll never regret it."  
  
"I hope not." I replied, but then added, "Oh come here, you!"  
  
And as our lips met in a kiss, I couldn't help but wonder if this would last.  
  
I can't feel the way I did before  
  
Don't turn your back on me  
  
I won't be ignored! 


	7. My Forever

Hey everyone! I've been trying really hard to update frequently and now with me not having so many papers to do and now that my inspiration has returned, I think I can do that. Also, news, news, news! Mari and I are going to do a fic together *and the crowds go wild!* Anyway, the first chapter is forthcoming soon, so look for it! Still looking for someone to write Letters to You with, so if no one wants to, it's getting scrapped, and you'll never know who YOU was- and I'll never tell. Review please, and thanks to all the loyal ones who review anyway! I honestly listened to so much of the soundtrack while writing this that I think I'm living and breathing Rent at the moment. The song for this chapter is White Flag, by Dido.  
  
Chapter 8- My Forever  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you  
  
Or tell you that  
  
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it  
  
Where's the sense in that.  
  
I stared sadly at the happy scene in front of me. I had known all along that she'd go running back to Roger, I wondered if everything she had ever said to me this day been a lie. Slowly, I left the embracing pair and went out onto the fire escape. I saw April look up and watch me leave. The moon was rising and the stars were starting to appear as I strode outside. I leaned against the cold railing and rested my head in my arms.  
  
"Mark?" Roger's voice drifted out on to the fire escape.  
  
I lifted my head for a brief moment, and then put it back down again.  
  
"What's up, buddy?" he tried again.  
  
"I can't believe this. . ." I muttered.  
  
"Believe what?"  
  
"This!" I gestured vaguely with one hand as I looked up at him. "Her! You! Everything!"  
  
Roger looked confused.  
  
"Wanna be a bit more specific, or am I supposed to guess?"  
  
"I just can't believe you treated her like shit, then had the balls to beg her to come back. What's even more fucked up is the fact that she actually took your sorry ass back!"  
  
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder  
  
Or return to where we were.  
  
Roger looked ashamed. "Listen, Mark, I told her how much of an assfuck I am- it was her choice to come back."  
  
"But why do you always have to be the hook that tangles her up until the only thing she can say is 'yes'?"  
  
"What the fuck, Mark! It's like suddenly you don't think I deserve to be happy!" Roger burst out angrily. "I try to talk to you, to try to get through and understand, but you just keep yourself closed off! What the hell is this really about Mark? It sure as hell can't be just the fighting lately!"  
  
I shifted uncomfortably and turned to face Roger. His eyes were blazing, and he was angrier than I'd seen him at me in a while. It just didn't seem fair though, but how could I tell him that? It was weird; I didn't feel like me anymore. I had always been able to settle, always been able to let things slide.  
  
"Come on, Mark!" Roger challenged me again, "I know it can't be just the fighting!"  
  
"You don't know shit, alright?" I yelled back at him and stormed off the fire escape. As I shut the window behind me, I bumped into April. She had been standing there watching us the whole time.  
  
Well, I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender.  
  
"Sorry," I mumbled, and started to go around her.  
  
"No, wait," April started, and rushed after me. "Mark, don't be like this."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"No, you're not. Mark, I know I must seem like a tease or something, but honestly, it's not like that."  
  
I whirled on her, only seeing red and angry blurs. I felt like a blind man who had experienced sight for the first time- I needed something to grab on to.  
  
"Then what's it like? How's it gonna be? Was everything you said before bullshit? Your fluttering eyelashes, your flushed cheeks, your flirtatious words. . .your lips attached to mine? Was it just a big, steaming, pile of bullshit? Was it jumbo-sized?" I said in hard, angry tones.  
  
There will be no white flag above my door- I'm in love  
  
And always will be.  
  
I wanted to shake her, yell at her, and at the same time I wanted to kiss her and hold her. I felt like my brain was going to implode and that I would spontaneously combust. April shook her head, and her eyes glistened with tears.  
  
"Stop that. I can't let myself fall for you, feel for you, or be moved by you anymore. I don't want to play the fool anymore." I said slowly.  
  
Then I walked into my room and shut the door.  
  
(April's POV)  
  
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again  
  
And I caused nothing but trouble  
  
I understand if you can't talk to me again  
  
And if you live by the rules of "it's over", then I'm sure that that makes sense.  
  
I watched Mark retreat into his room, retreat inside of himself like he always did. Suddenly, I heard the window open and saw Roger sliding back into the loft.  
  
"Are you ok?" I asked softly.  
  
"I guess. I don't know what the hell his problem is lately." Roger answered.  
  
"I don't know either," I lied, "But I think I get what he means."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"After all the shit you put me through in the past month, he can't understand why I bother, why I keep coming back."  
  
A shadow passed over Roger's face.  
  
"Why do you. . .keep coming back?"  
  
I sighed. This was the last thing I wanted to discuss right now.  
  
"April," he gently pressed, "Please, talk to me. We used to be able to talk without fighting.'  
  
Well I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender.  
  
"Babe, I love you. I always have, no matter what happened between us. . . and that's the problem. You've said and done some awful things to me in the past couple of days. . .and I forgave you, took you back, and all because I knew I loved you. I think what Mark meant was how much shit am I willing to forgive before you fuck up bad enough for me to get the strength to leave you- or will I just keep on loving you and therefore always back down."  
  
Roger's face looked cold and stony.  
  
"So this is what it's all about- you trying to find the strength to leave me? Trying to get me to fuck up so it won't be anyone's fault but mine?"  
  
I rushed to him and sat him down with me on the couch.  
  
"Oh, no babe, not at all. I don't want to leave you, but I just want to know when this is gonna stop." I said in a choked voice. "I don't want any more fights or nights sleeping alone. I don't want to have it come to the point where I walk out of this house- for good. All I'm saying is if things don't change soon, I might be forced to make that decision."  
  
Tears were running down my face now, and Roger's eyes were wet.  
  
"Please, don't let it come to that," I cried and buried my face in Roger's shoulder.  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love, and always will be.  
  
Roger put his arms around me and stroked my hair softly.  
  
"Oh, April. . . God. . .believe me when I say I never meant for you to be driven to this. God dammit, why do I always mess up like this?" Roger cried out in anguish.  
  
"Christ, Roger! Maybe it's me! Maybe I've said or done things that. . ."  
  
"Don't even think that for a second. You were always there for me, always supportive. This is all my fault." Roger said quietly.  
  
We sat there in silence, holding each other. My tears subsided after a few minutes, and I stopped shaking. I sat up, and wiped vigorously at my eyes.  
  
"I love you." I said, almost as a peace offering.  
  
Roger smiled, and his entire heart was in his eyes. "I love you too."  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
When we meet, which I'm sure we will  
  
All that was there will be there still.  
  
I gently passed a finger over April's soft lips. She had gone to bed, and I had sat on the edge of the bed staring at her for a long while. Mark hadn't come out of his room, and I wanted to go in there and talk to him. . .to tell him that he was right. The moonlight filtered through the blinds, making stripes across April's face. . .contrasts of darkness and light. I only hoped that things wouldn't stay that way too long.  
  
"Roger." Mark's voice came from the doorway.  
  
I looked up. Mark was standing in the doorway, camera in hand.  
  
"Close on April, the most beautiful girl in the world." I said, mimicking the way Mark often shot his films.  
  
"Close on Mark, the idiot who can't seem to get his shit straight." Mark returned.  
  
"Mark, what's bothering you? I mean, dude, I'm your best friend, you can tell me."  
  
Mark was silent for a moment. He appeared to be thinking, to be trying to think of something to say.  
  
"It's nothing, Roger."  
  
"Bullshit, Mark. That is the biggest pile of horseshit I've ever heard of."  
  
Mark was silent.  
  
"Is it a girl? Let me guess, you're lonely and you want a girlfriend. Or, maybe you met this girl and you want her and aren't sure what to do." I suggested.  
  
Mark smiled wanly. "Well, there is this girl. . ."  
  
"Ha! I was right!"  
  
"Yeah. . .and she's the most amazing girl I know. She's beautiful on so many levels. It hurts just to look at her, Roger. You have no idea."  
  
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue  
  
And you will think that I've moved on.  
  
"I guess not. Where did you meet her?"  
  
"I haven't yet. But I know she's out there. She's my soul mate, the one for me. When I find her, I'll know."  
  
Mark came over and sat next to me on the bed.  
  
"Besides April, have you ever been in love?" he asked me seriously.  
  
"Yeah, remember? Cindy Crawford, Sharon Stone, and Pat Benetar?" I joked.  
  
"No, Roger, I mean have you ever loved someone you actually had a chance with." Mark said, rolling his eyes.  
  
I thought for a moment. Then I remembered high school. . .there had been this girl. . .Caia McDougal. She was the sexiest girl in school, but she was a loving person, and was friends with everyone. We dated for almost a year, and I was so convinced we'd last through high school. She cheated on me and dumped me. It hurt so fucking bad. And I thought I was silly for thinking I loved her, stupid for being happy. . .and yet, the simple act of loving her had been enough for me. I never forgot her. . .  
  
Well I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
"Yeah, actually. Remember Caia McDougal?"  
  
"That hoe? I'll still never know what possessed you to date her. She was the one that cheated on you, right?" Mark answered, wrinkling his nose in disgust.  
  
"Yeah, her. But you know, there was just something about her, ya know?" I said, not very coherently.  
  
"No, actually, I don't know. I've never been in love."  
  
"Sure you have- what about what's her face, back in the day?" I tried.  
  
"Irina Donalson? Yeah, we dated a little in the beginning of senior year."  
  
"That's it? You guys seemed hot and heavy at the prom."  
  
Mark laughed. "That's because neither of us had dates and one of us had a hard-on. It kinda works like that."  
  
"Gross, man! I don't wanna think about little Marky Cohen banging the brains out of Irina Donalson!"  
  
"Whatever. Anyway, yeah, we dated. No, I didn't love her. There's a difference, Roger. Some people fall in love easily, feel things for people quickly, whether it be friendship or romance. Then there are some people who fall in love once or twice, but it's for real. I think that I'm one of those people. I haven't fallen in love yet, but when I do, it'll be forever."  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love, and always will be.  
  
We were silent for a moment as I contemplated what Mark had just told me.  
  
"What if April isn't my forever? What if this is it, if this is the best it's gonna get? I don't want her to pack up and go away like others have."  
  
"What others, Roger? She was your first serious girlfriend besides Caia and that chick you were seeing over the summer before you met April."  
  
"But look what happened with both of them- I wasn't enough, or I was too much. Whatever the reason was, they both left me. I couldn't stand it if April ever left me." I said softly, taking her limp hand and kissing it softly.  
  
"I don't think she will," Mark started, "But I know that you need to change. To be completely honest with you, if I were a girl, I would have left you by now."  
  
I gave Mark a look.  
  
"Well then, I will be forever grateful for your dick."  
  
"Well Roger, I didn't know you felt that way. . ."  
  
"Shut up, Mark."  
  
"Anyway, Roger, you really need to pay more attention to her. If you care about her as much as you say you do, then the last thing you need to do is focus on the band and stay away all the time. She needs to know she's loved."  
  
I didn't bother telling Mark about the band. He didn't need to know right now, and there was plenty of time to explain later. April was my first priority.  
  
"I'm going to bed." I announced after stretching somewhat theatrically.  
  
"Alright, I'll get outta here then. Just remember what I said Roger, ok? Treat her right."  
  
"I will, Mark- I want to be with her so much. She's my forever."  
  
"I sure hope so."  
  
Well I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love, and always will be. 


	8. What You Are Is Beautiful

Chapter 9- What You Are Is Beautiful  
  
Hey all! I am so so so so SORRY that my updates on this most glorious fanfiction have been delayed majorly. I've been doing two plays, rehearsals, school, work, and everything else under the sun. Summer is coming though, and I will be updating a LOT more frequently. I would give a summary of what's happened so far for those of you who have forgotten, but to save space, just go back and reread chapters 1-8 to refresh your memories. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!! Song for this chapter is Slide, by the Goo Goo Dolls.  
  
(April's POV)  
  
Could you whisper in my ear  
  
The things you wanna feel  
  
I'll give you anything to feel it coming...  
  
I woke up the next morning to find Roger's arm draped across my side. I smiled as I remembered the tearful reunion of the night before. I just hoped that the good times would last for a little while.  
  
"Hey, baby." Roger said to me, making me jump.  
  
"I didn't know you were awake." I said, smiling.  
  
"I was watching you sleep. You looked so. . .innocent." He made a face. "If only you could fool people that easily when you were awake!"  
  
I smacked his wrist playfully.  
  
"You're hilarious, Davis."  
  
"I know!" Roger grinned.  
  
"And you're just so modest too!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Well, when you're perfect. . ."  
  
Mark entered the room bleary-eyed at that moment and heard what Roger said.  
  
"And if you decide you're going to believe him, your wits are clearly addled." Mark stated.  
  
I giggled. "Addled?"  
  
"It's a real word. You can look it up in Webster's dictionary." Mark declared.  
  
"Shut up, Einstein." Roger mumbled.  
  
"Hey, don't blame me for letting you flunk the vocabulary portion of Ms. Baker's ninth grade English class."  
  
"I had better things to do in ninth grade then learn some dumb words." Roger stated.  
  
I rolled over on top of him. "Like what?" I purred.  
  
Roger grinned. "Well, you weren't one of them! But you can be now, if you want."  
  
He tugged me downward and captured my lips in his. I was thoroughly enjoying myself when Mark decided to interrupt the moment.  
  
"Can we save the headboard banging sex for later on? I don't need to watch you guys." Mark complained.  
  
"Don't get upset because you haven't been laid in years." I teased.  
  
"See, Mark needs to get his priorities straight. He needs a woman." Roger declared.  
  
"This is the mindset that almost flunked you out of high school, Roger." Mark reminded him.  
  
"As opposed to your mindset which made you graduate in the top ten percent but also succeeded in having you get laid a total of twice? Besides, we're not in high school anymore!" Roger replied cheerfully.  
  
"Amen to that," I agreed.  
  
"So," Roger said, stretching luxuriously, "What is on the plate for today?"  
  
"Nada. I considered walking around the park filming for a bit, but other than that, I've got nothing." Mark said.  
  
"I wasn't planning on anything special." I added in.  
  
Mark and I stared at Roger, waiting for him to say something about a band rehearsal.  
  
"I've got nothing to do either. How about we all go see a movie, then later hit a club?" Roger said with painstaking casualness.  
  
Mark's jaw dropped to the floor with I hid a triumphant grin. Finally, things were going to change.  
  
"Do my ears deceive me? You're not going to be too busy practicing with the band?" Mark asked. "And how come April doesn't seem to surprised at this revelation?"  
  
"Because I'm not in the band anymore. The Well Hungarians and I are through." Roger announced.  
  
"He's talking crazy talk! Quick, see if he has a fever!" Mark said in a panicked voice and went to feel Roger's forehead.  
  
"I'm serious," Roger said, brushing Mark's hand away. "And stop that Mark, I'm not quite ready to let April know about our homosexual tendencies."  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
"Mark! I don't need her knowing right now!" Roger said, his voice rising in mock fright.  
  
"Someday, I'm going to get you good. And you won't see it coming, but when I do, you'll be totally speechless." Mark said, grinning.  
  
"And you're really that sure of yourself?" I asked him.  
  
"About as sure as I am that Roger has too much love for the cock!"  
  
"Yup," Roger said, nodding sagely, "About as sure as I am that Mark had NO love with the vagina."  
  
Mark looked crestfallen.  
  
"What? Roger asked while laughing, "You honestly thought I wouldn't be able to think of a comeback for that one? You set yourself right up! However, I can help your love come back, Mark!"  
  
"How?" Mark asked, trying not to seem too interested.  
  
"We'll go to the Pyramid Club tonight, and I'll show you this woman I met there the other night. Dean tried to pick her up. Maybe you can get a piece of ass."  
  
"But. . ."  
  
"Oh please, Mark, like you can honestly tell us that if a woman offered to take you home tonight that you wouldn't go? Don't be such a prude." I said.  
  
"Oh fine, I'll go!" Mark said, throwing up his hands.  
  
"Good man." Roger said. "Go buy a newspaper and decide on a movie time."  
  
"Why me?" Mark groaned. "It's early! Why can't you do it?"  
  
"Because you set foot out of bed, but I have not yet gotten up. Besides, you don't have a beautiful woman in bed beside you. Now go get the damned paper."  
  
Do you wake up on your own  
  
And wonder where you are  
  
You live with all your faults...  
  
"Whatever." Mark replied irritably, and then stalked out of the room to go get the paper.  
  
Once Mark was gone, Roger turned to me and said, "Do you know of any movies that are playing?"  
  
I thought for a moment. "Well, we could go see Romeo and Juliet. That just came out, didn't it?"  
  
Roger wrinkled his nose. "Isn't that the movie where the dude loves the girl and the girl loves the dude. . .and then they all kill themselves?"  
  
I laughed and ruffled his blond hair. "There's a bit more of a plotline then that."  
  
"Who's in it?"  
  
"Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes."  
  
"Oh, I remember her! She used to be on that show 'My So-Called Life'! She was hot!"  
  
"Anyway," I said meaningfully as a sign for him to shut up, "Do you want to go see that?"  
  
"Uh. . .is there romance?"  
  
"Yes. Wow, you really did fail English class, didn't you? Shakespeare was a strict part of the state curriculum!"  
  
Roger shrugged, and then asked, "Will you start crying at one or more parts of this movie?"  
  
"Maybe. Romeo and Juliet is a relatively sad story." I pointed out.  
  
"Oh, I don't know, April. It seems a little too much like a chick flick to me."  
  
"There's lot of gun fighting and dying in it." I said quickly.  
  
"Then I'm there!" Roger grinned like a schoolboy.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "You are such a guy!"  
  
"Last time I checked. Want to check for me now?" he asked as he rolled over and ducked under the covers with me in tow.  
  
I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all  
  
So why don't you slide  
  
Yeah, we're gonna let it slide...  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
I strolled along the streets, hands shoved in my pockets to keep out the chill. The city was alive, even at nine in the morning. Vendors were trying to get people to buy their goods at ridiculous prices, businesspeople chatted on cell phones, and homeless people roamed everywhere. There was a man selling newspapers right next to the Life Café, and I handed him a crumpled dollar bill before taking the paper.  
  
"Gracias, senor!" the vendor said cheerily.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. Regular papers don't cost a fucking dollar in most normal places." I muttered under my breath.  
  
I sat down on the curb and spread the paper across my knees and looked for the movie listings. There wasn't much playing. There was Romeo and Juliet, some campy horror flick, and couple of other movies I didn't recognize. Romeo and Juliet was playing at two in the afternoon. I checked my watch. It was just after nine. We'd have plenty of time to get up and shower before leaving. . . that was, depending on how many times Roger and April decided they needed to fuck before then.  
  
I arrived home about twenty minutes later to see April lounging on the couch with a cup of tea in hand.  
  
"Get the paper?" she asked me lazily, while taking a sip of her tea.  
  
"Right here," I replied as I spread the newspaper out on the floor and read the comics.  
  
"What's playing?"  
  
"Romeo and Juliet is playing at two. Wanna go see that?" I asked.  
  
"Sure. Roger already knows that I want to see that." April replied.  
  
There was a silence. We hadn't talked since our confrontation the night before. . . since the moment she had almost pressed her lips to mine. . . I shook my head and tried to rid myself of any thoughts of the night before. It was a love that existed only in that time; inside of my fantasy. . .nowhere else.  
  
Don't you love the life you killed  
  
The priest is on the phone  
  
Your father hit the wall; your ma disowned you...  
  
"April?" I asked suddenly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm sorry about last night. . ." I started, taking a deep breath. "It wasn't fair, the things I said to you. It's just. . . I told you that I love you. And I meant it, more than you could ever comprehend. Those few moments where my lips had the privilege to brush against yours, I felt something wake up inside of me that hasn't come alive in years. . . and I wish I could share that feeling with you. I know that I can't, and that you're happy with Roger- and I respect that. I just wanted to tell you the honest truth- that my world suddenly had color when you came into my life, and yesterday was just. . .a dream come true, so to speak."  
  
I stopped suddenly as I noticed the strange look April was giving me. I wasn't quite sure which emotions were flitting across her gorgeous face, but she wasn't screaming at me for being a jerk- that much, I was grateful for. She had set her tea down on the little table next to the couch. Then, she rose from the couch and sat down next to me.  
  
"Mark," she began, "Sometimes I swear I could kill you for doing this to me. . . for making me feel things about you that never existed before. Sometimes I want to find some sort of blame to place on you that way I don't have to put any of this on me. You made me feel. . .just feel. Every time I got hurt, you were there to be my crutch. Like I said yesterday, I'm not sure how much longer I can go ignoring you. I love Roger, more than life, but Mark. . ."  
  
Don't suppose I'll ever know  
  
What it means to be a man  
  
Something I can't change; I'll live around it...  
  
"Hey guys! Mark did you get the paper?" Roger shouted as he came out of the shower.  
  
April backed away and grabbed her cup of tea. I got up, stuffed my hands in my pockets, and mumbled something about wanting breakfast. Roger came out in an old T-shirt and sweats while rubbing his hair with a towel.  
  
"Yeah," I replied in answer to Roger, "Romeo and Juliet at two. Want some breakfast?"  
  
Roger tossed the towel in the small, broken hamper leaning against the wall in the hallway, then plopped down next to April.  
  
"You mean we have food?" April asked incredulously.  
  
"I think it's more along the lines of, 'Mark can cook?'" Roger interjected.  
  
I opened up the refrigerator and tried to ignore the foul stench coming from a suspiciously green-looking Tupperware container of. . .something.  
  
"Obviously, neither of you have been blessed to have Chef Cohen cook for your eating pleasures." I declared importantly.  
  
Roger guffawed and April choked on her tea.  
  
"Mark, the only time you've ever cooked for me was the time you tried to make soup when I was sick," Roger said, "And all you ended up accomplishing was a pot of limp, overcooked noodles and broth that had had the flavor boiled out of it."  
  
"That was my first time ever cooking with a hotplate!" I said defensively. "Besides, now we have a toaster oven too! There's a lot you can do with a hot plate and a toaster oven!"  
  
"Such as?" April asked.  
  
"Such as. . .toast. . .toast!" I said triumphantly.  
  
"Is there even anything edible in the fridge?" Roger wanted to know.  
  
"Actually," I said as I found what I was looking for, "There are five jumbo- sized eggs."  
  
April and Roger both bolted to the kitchenette and gaped at my find.  
  
"Eggs. . ." April breathed.  
  
"Like, real eggs. . ." Roger added.  
  
"As opposed to fake ones."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"What do you plan on doing with those eggs?" April asked.  
  
"Uh. . .cook them?" I replied uncertainly.  
  
April grinned and then suddenly hugged me.  
  
"Mark, you're a genius! Who would have thought to cook the eggs?"  
  
I blushed and gingerly removed April's arms from around my neck.  
  
"It's not hard," I said, as I searched the cupboards for a pan of some sort. "All you need is eggs, butter, and a pan."  
  
"And maybe a spatula?" Roger suggested.  
  
"And some salt and pepper!" April added.  
  
"Maybe some bacon or cheese. . ." I said longingly.  
  
"Ok, now you're getting ahead of yourself" Roger joked.  
  
I found a small frying pan. I stuck it on the hot plate, turned the hot plate on, and said  
  
"Now all I need to do is melt the butter, then crack open the eggs, cook em' a bit, and voila! Breakfast!"  
  
Roger and April laughed as a made some elaborate gesture with the carton of eggs that I had pulled out of the fridge.  
  
"Shit, gotta piss." I announced as I dug some butter out of the cupboard.  
  
"Thanks, Mark." April grimaced.  
  
"We'll watch the stov- I mean, hot plate." Roger snickered.  
  
I marched off to the bathroom, hoping that the little breakfast food we had wouldn't go to waste because Roger and April were too busy making out to notice that the food was burning. Sure enough, I hadn't been in the bathroom for more than two minutes when I suddenly heard a yell from the kitchen.  
  
"Fuck," I moaned as I willed my body to hurry up.  
  
I practically ran back to the hot plate to find Roger and April trying to put out a small fire.  
  
"What did you guys do?" I cried out as I rushed over to them. "I was gone for three minutes and you start a goddamn fire?"  
  
"Roger burned the butter and then we overcooked the eggs. They were all greasy from the butter, so I tried to use a towel to soak up some grease from the pan. Then the towel caught fire!" April explained breathlessly as I ran over and turned off the hot plate.  
  
"I so did not burn the butter!" Roger said hotly. "You weren't paying attention!"  
  
"I bet it's kinda hard to pay attention to the hot plate when you've got your hands down her pants and your tongue down her throat." I commented as I sprinkled water on the greasy, now-smoking mush in the pan.  
  
When the smoke had mostly died down, we all peered into the pan. The towel was black and charred. The eggs were a sickly gray color and had soaked up all the grease. We all glanced at each other.  
  
"Suddenly, I'm really not hungry!" Roger declared.  
  
"Me neither!" I said.  
  
"How about we go to the Life Café?" April suggested. "How much money we got?"  
  
Roger and I emptied our pockets and came to a total of seven dollars and twenty-eight cents.  
  
"Let's go!" I said as I grabbed my camera and headed toward the door.  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all  
  
So why don't you slide...  
  
April, Mark, and I arrived at the Life a few minutes later. It was busy with the morning rush. We seated ourselves at a corner booth and waited for a waitress to come take our order. April and I were on one side and Mark sat on the other. I took April's hand and squeezed it, thrilled that the ring I had given her was back on her finger. Mark fiddled with his camera. We were quiet for no reason, and the silence was. . . profound. It made me notice things I hadn't seen before. I didn't know that April chewed on the ends of her hair when she was impatient. Mark looked like he was on another planet. And me. . . I was just there. For once, I felt like I was the observer, not Mark. Suddenly, a waitress came heading our way. To my shock, it was the woman I had met at the bar the other day. . .what was her name. . .  
  
And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothing that fall  
  
May, put your arms around me...  
  
"Hey guys, I'm Maureen, and I'll be your waitress this morning. What can I start you. . ." she stopped mid-sentence when she saw me sitting there. "Hey! Don't I know you?"  
  
"Uh, yeah. . . I'm a friend of Dean's- the bartender at the Pyramid Club." I replied.  
  
"Oh. Yeah! So then this must be. . ." Maureen indicated April with a tilt of her head.  
  
"Yes. This is my fiancée, April Watson." I said while grinning.  
  
Maureen set our menus down in front of us, and then stuck out her hand.  
  
"I met your boyfriend at the Pyramid Club the other night. I'm Maureen."  
  
April smiled in amusement and shook her hand quickly. "So you said. Nice to meet you."  
  
Maureen turned her attention to Mark, who was still playing with his camera.  
  
"And you are?"  
  
"Huh?" Mark looked up in bewilderment. "Someone say something?"  
  
"Yeah, the waitress was talking to you." April stated pointedly.  
  
"What's your name?" Maureen wanted to know.  
  
"Me? I'm. . .uh. . ." Mark stumbled, and blushed.  
  
"Mark." I supplied. "His name is Mark Cohen."  
  
"Yeah, I knew that." Mark grumbled under his breath. "I'm Mark." He then directed at Maureen.  
  
Maureen's laugh tinkled throughout the restaurant. "So I heard. Anyway, what can I get you guys this morning? We have a special on scrambled eggs today, if you're interested."  
  
We all exchanged looks and shook our heads.  
  
"We're set." I stated, "But I'll have a glass of orange juice and then the waffle meal."  
  
"I'll have a decaf coffee and the pancake meal." April said.  
  
"Sounds great. And what do you want, Mark?" Maureen said, writing our orders down on her little pad.  
  
"I'm fine, thanks." Mark said quickly.  
  
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful  
  
May, do you wanna get married or run away...  
  
"But, Mark," April protested, "Aren't you hungry?"  
  
"Nah, I'm set." Mark said, still fiddling with the camera.  
  
"Mark, put the damned camera down for a second and look at me!" I ordered. "Have something to eat!"  
  
Mark looked stunned for a moment, and then said, "OJ and then a corn muffin. Happy now?"  
  
"Yes. Oh, and Mr. Cohen," Maureen started.  
  
"Mark, please," he said.  
  
"Mark, then. It's against our policy to allow cameras and other recording equipment inside the restaurant without authorization. I'm afraid I have to ask you to put that away." Maureen said while flashing a movie-star smile.  
  
Mark blinked a few times, obviously flabbergasted by her smile. Maureen was attractive, to be sure. She had nothing on April in my eyes, but Maureen obviously had attracted Mark like a moth to a flame. She also knew the right way to piss him off- take away the camera. I knew damn well that cameras were allowed in the Life, but I also sensed that Maureen was trying to pry some sort of personality out of Mark. It was working.  
  
I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything  
  
Just slide...  
  
"I can't use my camera in here? But that's never been the policy before. . ." Mark started.  
  
"Manager's rules. Sorry, nothing I can do." Maureen interrupted smoothly.  
  
"I know the manager. I'm in here all the time. Come on, this is bullshit!" Mark complained. "I'm not even filming!"  
  
"Mark, I'm going to have to ask you not to use that language in here." Maureen said slyly.  
  
"What?" Mark fairly exploded. "I'm sorry, but since when am I not allowed to use my camera in here! Let me speak to the manager!"  
  
"Please calm down. The manager is unavailable at the moment. Would you like to try our omelet breakfast special? It's three eggs with. . ." Maureen recited, ignoring Mark's request.  
  
"I don't give a shit what the specials are! I don't want eggs! I just want to sit and film and talk with my friends in peace! Is that so hard for a blond bimbo to handle? For fuck's sake you're only a waitress, I'm sure this concept isn't incredibly hard to understand!" Mark shouted.]  
  
And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothing that fall  
  
Oh, May, put your arms around me...  
  
There was a stunned silence all around until I grabbed Mark by his shirt out of his seat, said,  
  
"Just cancel our orders, Maureen. Have a good day, and don't mind this asshole. However, if you ever want to stop by and force him to apologize, we all live in the old loft on Avenue B, off of 14th street."  
  
Then April and I, with Mark in tow, marched out of the restaurant. The minute we were out of earshot, I sat Mark down on the curb, and then burst out laughing. Mark and April stared at me like I had grown a second head.  
  
"What the hell is so funny?" Mark demanded.  
  
"You didn't catch on? Jesus, she was baiting you, buddy! You were overreacting so badly!" I gasped, shaking with laughter.  
  
There was a silence, and then April started to laugh.  
  
"It's true!" she said, "You were such a pompous ass in there, Mark! She was just trying to get a rise out of you, and it worked."  
  
"And you wanna know what's really funny?" I asked Mark, who was giving me a death look.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"That's the woman from the bar that I met the other night that I wanted to introduce you to! Her name's Maureen Johnson. I didn't know she was a waitress at the Life, but I had planned on going back to the Pyramid Club tonight. If she was there, I was going to try to hook you two up."  
  
"But," April added, "I think you made enough of a lasting impression on her without even trying!"  
  
Mark sat on the curb speechless.  
  
"Guys. . . she was hot!" he said finally.  
  
"Yeah, she was!" I agreed.  
  
"Roger!" April exclaimed.  
  
"I mean, um, yeah, she was alright, for a girl. Nothing like my April!" I said quickly.  
  
"Do you think she'll. . ." Mark started.  
  
"What?" April asked, and slithered an arm around my waist.  
  
"Go on a date with me?" Mark finished quickly.  
  
April cracked a smile and I choked back laughter.  
  
"Sure," I said, "But you'd have to go back to the Life and admit that you're an idiot."  
  
"I guess. . . maybe tomorrow. I'm off, guys. I'll meet you at the movies later on. See ya." Mark said, and walked away.  
  
April and I exchanged glances.  
  
"Do you think that. . .?" April started.  
  
"Upset? Angry? Feeling stupid? Yes." I stated.  
  
"Should we go after him?"  
  
"Nah, I'll talk to him later. Wanna go back in and grab a bite to eat?" I suggested.  
  
"Sure. Oh, and Roger?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you really think I'm prettier than Maureen?" April asked, a touch of insecurity lighting up her eyes.  
  
I stopped walking, took April's hands in mine, kissed them, and said,  
  
"Of course I do! You're. . . beautiful! You're gorgeous! Everything about you just so amazingly perfect, that I don't know where to begin."  
  
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful  
  
Oh May, do you wanna get married or run away...  
  
I took a deep breath.  
  
"I love you, April. The day we truly start our life together is the day you make me the happiest man in the world short of the day I first met you. I wouldn't have it any other way."  
  
April said nothing, but threw her arms around me and held me tightly. I don't know how long we stood there, but for the time we did, I couldn't imagine any other better place to be. 


	9. The World Turned In Circles

Chapter 10- The World Turned In Circles  
  
Hey all, hope you enjoyed the last chapter! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU TO ALL MY LOYAL FANS WHO HAVE COME BACK AND NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME!!! (props especially to Mari and Amy-you guys ROCK!) It's not my best but I'm better with drama than comedy. I PROMISE I have plenty of surprises for you in the upcoming chapters. Trust me, Chapter 9 was more of a filler chapter. Now that the plot has been established, it's time to mess with your heads!!!! Chapter 10 takes place about two weeks after the end of Chapter 9. Also, be looking for my new upcoming fic- an Avenue Q/Rent crossover! Song for this chapter is King of Pain, by The Police.  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
There's a little black spot on the sun today  
  
It's the same old thing as yesterday  
  
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top  
  
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop...  
  
I berated myself thousands of times for the way I acted in the Life Café. I couldn't believe that I was really that much of an idiot. No wonder I hadn't gotten laid in two years. . .that I knew of. I still had no idea whether or not April and I slept together. I doubted that I ever would know. It didn't seem to matter though- a couple weeks had passed, and April and Roger hadn't fought once. They were more in love than I had ever seen them, and full of wedding plans. Then, there was me- good old solid Mark Cohen. I was their support system, their idea generator, and their mediator. I gave it all away and took little to nothing in return. Now, it was almost April's birthday, and Roger wanted to plan a surprise party for her. I wanted to do something special for her, but I had no idea where to start.  
  
One morning, a few days before the big day, I noticed April getting up incredibly early.  
  
"You're up early," I noted as I lounged on the couch with a cup of coffee.  
  
"Yeah, yearly physical with the doc this morning. Wanted to get it over with so I could just come home and sleep." April replied, yawning heavily.  
  
"What, afraid you might get a shot?" I teased.  
  
"Shut up. I hate shots, but I know I might get one."  
  
"Alright, well have fun!" I said cheerily.  
  
April made a face and made a swipe at my arm, but stumbled and fell over. She grabbed the arm of the couch just in time, but her face was inches from mine as she tried to regain her balance. She grabbed my arm in order to steady herself. Instead, she missed, and fell right onto my lips.  
  
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain  
  
With the world turning circles running round my brain...  
  
"Mmmph!" April mumbled through out connected lips.  
  
"This is rather embarrassing?" I asked.  
  
Her lips were so soft and this was so right. But. . .she had fallen onto them. But then again, why hadn't she leaped up and apologized. . .  
  
"Mark?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You're holding my arm down. You can let me go now." April mumbled.  
  
I blushed and let go of her arm.  
  
"Sorry." I said, as she got up and started walking toward the door.  
  
She left, and as the door slammed behind her, Roger ambled into the living room.  
  
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign  
  
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...  
  
"What was that all about?"  
  
"April obviously doesn't like doctor's appointments." I grumbled.  
  
"What's up with you?"  
  
"Nothing. So, the party's all set for tonight, right?" I asked as I changed the subject.  
  
"Yeah. We'll start it at around one. Think you can keep her out of the house while I decorate and get the food ready?"  
  
"You mean," I said in injured tones, "You don't want Chef Cohen to cook?"  
  
Roger threw a couch pillow at me.  
  
"Hey! Watch the coffee!" I said as I tried to keep the coffee from slopping into my lap.  
  
"You mean you can make coffee without blowing up the kitchen?"  
  
"Hey, if I remember correctly, you and April were the ones who were stupid enough to put a towel on a hot plate when it was turned on!" I tossed back the pillow.  
  
"Whatever. Anyway, where are you going to take her?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe to another movie, maybe just walking around. . ." I started.  
  
"Or maybe you should take her to the Life, and you can apologize to Maureen, and then invite her to the party." Roger suggested.  
  
"Yeah, brilliant, Einstein! Let's invite her to a surprise party for April in front of April!" I said. "You amaze me sometimes!"  
  
"Shut up. You could use a little cheering up. You haven't stopped moping for two weeks now!" Roger observed. "Just go there, talk to her, and invite her. It's not hard."  
  
"Maybe not for you! You've always had it easy with the ladies!" I complained.  
  
"Well, when you're as sexy as I am. . ."  
  
"Yeah, whatever. I'm gonna go shower- thanks for listening, pal." I retorted as I left the room.  
  
When I got out of the shower half an hour later, I could hear the loft door slam, and then the door to Roger and April's bedroom slam a few seconds after that. April was back. That meant I had three hours to kill. I dried off, got dressed, and then went to knock on April's door. It was open a crack, and I could see April sitting on the bed with her head in her hands. A picture of her and Roger lay facedown on the bed. I tiptoed cautiously into the room and sat next to her.  
  
There's a little black spot on the sun today  
  
That's my soul out there  
  
It's the same old thing as yesterday  
  
That's my soul out there...  
  
"April?" I asked softly.  
  
April jumped slightly and looked up at me. Her eyes were red and puffy.  
  
"Mark. Hi," she said.  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
April looked away for a moment. When she turned back around, she was smiling again, like she had never broken.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
"Are you sure? Is something wrong?" I pressed gently.  
  
"No, no. . . nothing. Just PMSing, that's all."  
  
April wiped her eyes. I turned and looked at the clock. It was ten thirty. I still had two and a half hours to kill before I could bring April back to the loft-and I still needed to get her out of the house!  
  
"Hey, April?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Can I ask you for a favor?" I said, formulating my plan carefully.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Can you come to the Life Café with me? I want to talk to Maureen, and I just, uh. . ." I searched frantically for an excuse. "Want some moral support."  
  
"I'm sure you don't need me to go down there with you, Mark." April said.  
  
"Yes, I do! On the way down there, I'm gonna need your womanly advice on how to, uh, ask her out or something." I rushed on before April could protest further.  
  
"I don't know, Mark. I'm not really up for it right now. . ."  
  
"Please?" I asked, giving her puppy dog eyes.  
  
April sighed. "Fine. Let's go."  
  
April and I exited the loft. Roger gave me a thumbs-up when April wasn't looking. As she and I walked out to the street I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. She looked so down. Her eyes were glazed over, and she didn't even really seem to know where she was.  
  
"April?" I started.  
  
"Hm?" she mumbled.  
  
The look on her face stopped all questions that were at the tip of my tongue.  
  
"Nothing. Do you think I have a chance with Maureen?" I said.  
  
"Maybe," she shrugged, "It depends how good you are at groveling."  
  
"I was that bad, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, but she didn't seem pissed. She looked kinda amused, actually." April replied, the glimmer of a smile briefly lighting up her features.  
  
We reached the Life sooner than I was ready for us to. I could see Maureen through the glass window serving a tray of drinks to a man sitting in a corner booth. She was flashing that gorgeous smile at him and her curly black hair bounced as she tossed her head in laughter. It made me jealous in a way that I had only felt with one other person. . .hell, maybe there was hope for my pathetic love life. I glanced over at April. Maybe not.  
  
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top  
  
That's my soul out there  
  
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop  
  
That's my soul out there...  
  
"Um. . .is Maureen Johnson on today?" I asked the waitress closest to me when we walked in.  
  
"Yeah, she's right over there. What, you her boyfriend or somethin?" the waitress replied through a bubble of pink bubble gum.  
  
"Yeah, right. Can I speak with her for a moment?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. Mo!" she called out.  
  
Maureen turned around. At the sight of me standing there, a slow smile worked its way across her face.  
  
"What's up Cheryl?" she called back.  
  
"This here guy wants to talk to you. I'll cover your table for a minute." Cheryl said as Maureen strode over to us.  
  
"Thanks. Aren't you on break?"  
  
"Not anymore now, huh?" Cheryl retorted.  
  
"Aw, come on. I'll share my last two cigarettes with you when our shift's over, ok?" Maureen offered.  
  
"Fine. Did you get Marlboro Menthol or did you buy those crappy Pall Malls again?"  
  
"Pall Malls were cheaper and all I had enough for- sorry. Take it or leave it."  
  
Cheryl sighed. "Whatever."  
  
She walked away leaving Maureen, me, and April standing near the entrance to the restaurant.  
  
"Nice to see you both again." Maureen said. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"We were just out on a walk. Mark wanted to stop in." April said. "I'll let you two talk."  
  
She seated herself and ordered a drink from Cheryl.  
  
"So." Maureen said to me.  
  
"So. Um. I'msorryabouttheotherdayandIknowyoumustthinkI'majerkoffbutwillyougoonadatewi thme?" I rushed out before I lost my nerve.  
  
Maureen laughed. "Wanna run that by me one more time, stud?"  
  
I took a deep breath, and said calmly, "I'm sorry about the other day. I know you must think I'm a major jerkoff, but. . .will you go on a date with me?"  
  
I waited to hear laughter, a snort, or some sort of sly remark that was the usual assortment of reactions I got when I asked women out. Instead, Maureen smiled- a real smile; a nice one.  
  
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain  
  
With the world turning circles running round my brain...  
  
"Really? You came here to ask me that?"  
  
"Um. Yeah. You seem really nice and stuff and I was just thinking it'd be fun."  
  
Ugh, shut up Cohen! You sound like an idiot.  
  
"Sure. When?" Maureen said.  
  
I gaped at her for a moment, and then shook my head.  
  
"What?" she asked. "Not used to scoring dates?"  
  
"Honestly," I confessed, "Not at all. Roger's the ladies' man. I'm the camera dork."  
  
"Well, I think you're sweet, and kinda cute. So when do you want to take me out? I get out of here in about an hour or so." Maureen said.  
  
"Actually," I said, glancing around to make sure April was still sitting in the restaurant, "April's birthday is in a few days, and Roger and I are throwing her a surprise part this afternoon at one. If I write down my address, you're welcome to join us."  
  
"Sounds good. I remember your address though. Roger told me on the way out when you guys left the other day."  
  
"Oh. Great! Well, see you at one then?" I said.  
  
"Yeah, sure thing. Well, I gotta get back to work. See you around." Maureen said, and flashed her smile at me once more before leaving.  
  
April came back, took one look at the shit-eating grin on my face, and sighed.  
  
"That bad, huh?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, yes. It was horrible. So horrible, in fact, that I got her to come to the party. . .tonight. . ." I trailed off. "Shit."  
  
April laughed. "You think I didn't know? Surprise parties are the worst- kept secrets."  
  
"Shit. Roger thinks you have no idea."  
  
"I'm a great actress. I'll be the most surprised girl in New York. Ready to walk around some more?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
April and I walked on. Then, she paused a moment and turned to me.  
  
"Mark?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Would you mind if I walked around by myself for a bit? I just want to be alone."  
  
I thought for a moment.  
  
"Yeah," I said after a second, "Sure. But make sure you. . ."  
  
"I'll amble in a little after one." April promised.  
  
She turned to me and then suddenly kissed my cheek softly.  
  
"Thanks. It means a lot."  
  
Then she walked off in the opposite direction. I strolled back to the loft and it was quarter to twelve when I got there.  
  
"Mark! Why are you back this early?" Roger exclaimed at my entrance.  
  
"April wanted to walk around by herself for a bit. She said she'll be back soon." I said calmly.  
  
"Alright," Roger relaxed. "Is she okay?"  
  
I thought a moment. I didn't really want to worry him. I didn't believe her when she said she was okay, but I figured that if and when she wanted to open up, she would in her own time.  
  
"She's fine, Roger. Just felt like being by herself, I guess." I replied.  
  
Roger signed. "I sure hope you're right.  
  
(April's POV)  
  
The world was going crazy. This had to be a dream. It must be! If this wasn't a dream, then it would be real- but it wouldn't be real, because in reality, I wouldn't have AIDS. The diagnosis had come that morning. The doctor was running some routine blood tests- and it came up. I remember when the doctor told me, and handed me a prescription for AZT, as well as a pamphlet filled with information and support hotline numbers. It was too real, too. . .  
  
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign  
  
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...  
  
"This isn't fucking supposed to happen to me!" I screamed in frustration, ignoring the stares I got.  
  
I had the urge to run, to break free and just run. So I did. I ran away from the crowds, away from disease, away from the sickly green walls in a doctor's office. I ran until dizzying fear made me stop. Feeling sick, I leaned over and vomited in the nearest alleyway. . .  
  
Alleyway.  
  
The back alleys where the prostitutes and druggies roamed. . .  
  
Druggies. . .  
  
Like The Man. . .or me.  
  
The needle.  
  
Shit.  
  
I fell back hard against the nearest wall, breathing heavily and hearing nothing but the sound of my heart. The slow dawning realization hit me like a tidal wave. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to roll over and die.  
  
There's a fossil that's trapped inside a high cliff wall  
  
That's my soul out there  
  
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall  
  
That's my soul out there...  
  
"Goddammit!" I cried out, pounding my fists on the wall. "Why? Why me? Why damn a young woman like me?"  
  
"Why damn anyone? What makes God damn any human?" came a familiar voice.  
  
I turned my head to see The Man coming toward me in all his drug-induced glory.  
  
"Why would He?" The Man continued. "What evil could anyone commit that's enough to get them damned? Maybe you're the scum of the earth, like me- selling drugs to anyone as a way to live. Or, maybe, you're a cheating little whore. It all depends on how you look at it."  
  
"I am not a cheating little whore! You. . ." I screamed.  
  
"You," he cut in smoothly, "Wanted the high, wanted the rush. I told you once before, and I'll tell you again- you'll do anything for a high. I was right. You came back and fucked a man old enough to be your daddy just to get high."  
  
I fell silent. It was true, no denying it.  
  
"And then," The Man said, "You were stupid enough to steal an open needle out of my coat pocket- without knowing whether it's used. You were a bad girl, sweet thing."  
  
He leaned in toward me and stroked my hair.  
  
"A very bad girl," he purred.  
  
I leaped up.  
  
"Stop it! Get away from me! You've taken my life from me! Leave me the little dignity I have left!" I cried.  
  
"What dignity? You already cheated on your love once- another time doesn't mean anything once the damage is done!"  
  
"But I love him!" I cried, "I love him, I love him. . ."  
  
The Man came forward and shook me by my shoulders; thrust me up against the wall hard, cracking my skull against the rocky concrete.  
  
"You can't afford to love him anymore!" he hissed.  
  
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb  
  
That's my soul out there  
  
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web  
  
That's my soul out there...  
  
My head dropped forward, my body started to go limp. But a figure appearing at the entrance to the alleyway made me try to hold on to consciousness. It was Maureen.  
  
"Maureen. . ."I gasped, "Please. . ."  
  
But her face reflected disbelief and outrage.  
  
"Maureen?" I tried again.  
  
"I don't believe this!" she said. "I knew there was something about you. . ."  
  
"What?" I cried, struggling to get out of The Man's grasp, "You think. . ."  
  
"I believe what my eyes tell me. Poor Roger," She said smugly.  
  
"What?" I protested weakly, "I didn't do anything!"  
  
The Man glanced at Maureen. "You want a try at this one, lady? She's always ready and willing to fuck, you know."  
  
"Get away from me!" I cried. "Maureen, help!"  
  
"I don't think so," Maureen said coldly, and walked away quickly.  
  
"Let go of me!" I yelled one more time, and finally maneuvered my knee to in between his legs.  
  
"Ouch! You little cunt!" The Man yelled clutching his groin as a I kneed him as hard as I could.  
  
"Stay the fuck away from me you cock sucking bastard!" I cried, and then ran away as fast as I could.  
  
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain  
  
With the world turning circles running round my brain...  
  
I had to catch Maureen; I just had to! I couldn't let her get to Roger before I did; I couldn't let her spread vicious lies about an event that she didn't even know the half of! By the time I got back to the loft I could already hear Maureen's high heels clicking around the floor from outside the front door.  
  
"I don't know what she was doing with him, Roger, but it didn't look good." Maureen was saying. "I feel bad saying this to you and hardly knowing you, but I think you ought to know what kind of girl you're marrying."  
  
"Bull fucking shit," I muttered under my breath.  
  
With that, I marched up to the door and let myself in, waiting for the clouds to start raining on my parade.  
  
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign  
  
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
I didn't want to believe any of it. There was no way in hell April would be getting freaky with some geezer in a back alley. I didn't even know Maureen that well- maybe she was trying to cause trouble. I couldn't believe her, but what if. . .April chose that moment to barge into the loft. I looked her up and down. This was unbelievable. Her hair was tangled and loose, her clothes were skewed, and she looked dazed. She certainly did look like she had just jumped in the hay with someone.  
  
There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out  
  
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt...  
  
"April. Wanna explain this?" I asked harsher than I'd intended.  
  
"Explain what? How about asking Maureen to explain any lies she might have told you. I can't believe you'd believe her over your own fiancée!" April said, angrily shooting daggers at Maureen.  
  
"I didn't say what I did or did not believe." I stated slowly.  
  
"Thou doth protest too much, methinks." Maureen quoted.  
  
"Shut up you little bitch before I knock you off those heels and onto your ass." April threatened.  
  
"Try it." Maureen returned silkily.  
  
"My pleasure."  
  
"Girls," I interrupted, "I'm only interested in one thing- what the fuck happened."  
  
"I was in the back alleyway," I began.  
  
"What the hell were you doing in there?" I asked in bewilderment.  
  
"I was walking, by myself," April said shakily, "And then I felt kinda sick, so I stepped into the alley and threw up. But, this man was there,"  
  
"Who conveniently was able to put his hands all over you," Maureen added.  
  
"Shut up! You don't know what happened!" April cried.  
  
"I know that you look like hell at the moment and I know what I saw!"  
  
"You know nothing of hell."  
  
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed  
  
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread...  
  
"Maureen, if you don't let April finish her story, then I swear I will trot your ass outta here so fast your head will spin." I ordered. "Enough of the bullshit."  
  
April took a deep breath and continued. "So when he started coming on to me, I tried to get away, but he grabbed me and tossed me against the wall. He cracked my head really hard and I almost passed out- that's where Maureen saw me. I thought she would help me out. Obviously that's beneath her character."  
  
"Oh, but Roger, she forgot to mention the part where the guy commented on April being a good fuck. Now," Maureen said, thoughtfully tapping her purple nails against her cheek, "How would he know this unless he actually had the favor?"  
  
My face froze. I had believed April's story up until then. It all seemed crystal clear and normal- a young, pretty woman getting attacked in a back alley was everyday news. But there was something about the way Maureen had mentioned what that guy said. She was right, it was too familiar, too personal. But April would never. . .  
  
King of pain...  
  
"Did he say that, April?" I asked softly.  
  
"Roger, I swear. . ." she started.  
  
"I asked if he said that, dammit!" I thundered.  
  
April's eyes filled helplessly with tears. She didn't speak.  
  
"So it's true. Goddammit, April, what the hell is wrong with you?" I shouted.  
  
"I knew I would find my answer in there somewhere." Maureen said.  
  
Suddenly, April sprang up wildly.  
  
"An answer? You wanted an answer when the one I gave the first time wasn't good enough?"  
  
April strode out of the room and into our bedroom. My stomach sank as I knew exactly what she was about to do, and all to try to prove her innocence.  
  
"April, don't!" I called to her.  
  
But she returned, wild-eyed, clutching a plastic bag behind her back. With ferocity I didn't know she possessed, she emptied the contents of the bag at Maureen's feet. Needles, elastic strips, and small baggies of powder tumbled onto the floor.  
  
"There's your goddamned fucking answer!" April spat.  
  
There's a red fox thorn by a huntsman's path  
  
That's my soul out there  
  
There's a black winged gull with a broken back  
  
That's my soul out there...  
  
Then, with one last angry look, she stormed out of the loft. Maureen and I stood there silently- me in bewilderment, her in shock.  
  
"Roger? What is this?" Maureen asked, lips quivering.  
  
"Don't act like you don't have a clue." I said shortly.  
  
"Roger. . .no, you. . .heroin? And what about Mark?" she cried, glancing nervously toward his bedroom where he was sleeping.  
  
"He doesn't know." I said simply. "And you won't tell him."  
  
"He deserves to know!" Maureen protested.  
  
"No, he doesn't. This isn't even any of your business. We hardly know you, and because you stormed in here jabbering about April screwing some back alley scum, you've caused all this chaos. I can't believe I listened to you!"  
  
"It's true, though! He. . ." she insisted.  
  
"He sold her heroin, or was going to before you showed up."  
  
"You two shouldn't even be playing with that shit! It can kill you!"  
  
"I'm not an idiot, I know what it can do! And I want you to leave, now."  
  
Maureen gave me a disbelieving look.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Leave. You are not welcome here."  
  
"But what about Mark?"  
  
"I'll tell him you never showed. Think of it as a parting gift. Don't worry I'll let him down easy. I doubt you'd be good for him anyway." I said.  
  
With that, I ushered Maureen to the door and closed it in her face. Then I collapsed on the floor against the door and ran my fingers through my hair. Shit. This wasn't good. Some birthday.  
  
There's a little black spot on the sun today  
  
It's the same old thing as yesterday...  
  
"Happy fucking birthday. . ." I heard April mutter to herself from the stairwell outside the door.  
  
I leaped up and opened the door to find April standing there fuming and crying at the same time.  
  
"April," I started, staring at the ground.  
  
"Don't you even fucking start with me! How could you? I mean, for Christ's fucking sake, Roger, you believed someone you barely know over your fiancée? What reason have I given you to make you believe that I would do that to you?"  
  
"I'm sorry, April," I cried in frustration, "I don't know what came over me! I'm so sorry!"  
  
"No! I'm sick of hearing how sorry you are! Why can't you ever truly mean it when you say you're sorry?"  
  
"I do mean it!" I yelled. "How many times do I have to apologize before you think I'm really sorry?"  
  
"When you stop fucking up all the time, then you wouldn't have to apologize all the time, and when you had to, I'd know you meant it!" April shot back.  
  
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain  
  
With the world turning circles running round my brain...  
  
"Whatever. I'll be back later." I said irritably.  
  
"Yeah, cause you're so fucking good at leaving! I should know that better than anyone!" April yelled after me.  
  
I ignored this and stormed down the street. A few minutes later, I was going through the doors of the Pyramid Club.  
  
"Back again, Roger?" Dean yelled over the music.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What happened this time?" Dean asked as I approached the bar.  
  
"Got into another fight with April." I said angrily. "Jack Daniels, on the rocks."  
  
"Coming right up. Do you wanna. . ."  
  
"Talk about it? No."  
  
"Alright. Lemme know if you need anything." Dean said, setting the drink in front of me.  
  
I took the drink, downed it, and set down again on the counter. This was unbelievable. I had just completely fucked up my life. Maybe she was right, maybe I needed to stop fucking up. . .no, that was bullshit. She needed to stop being so. . .  
  
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign  
  
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...  
  
"Oh, bollocks! Sorry, did I spill it on you?" came a heavily accented female voice.  
  
I was suddenly aware of a sticky wetness all down my shoulder.  
  
"What? Oh, shit, what is this?" I moaned.  
  
"It was a cosmopolitan," the voice said.  
  
I turned around and was faced with a woman who looked about my age with short blond hair.  
  
"I'm Maia," she said, extending her hand.  
  
"Roger," I replied as I shook her hand.  
  
"Let me help you with that," she said, and grabbed a few napkins from the bar.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
After I got cleaned up, she sat down next to me.  
  
"So, stranger, what are you doing drinking alone?" Maia asked me in her throaty voice.  
  
"I'm avoiding going back home at the moment."  
  
"Fight with the girlfriend?"  
  
King of pain...  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Bloody women. They're a pain in the arse, aren't they- pain in the bloody arse." Maia commented. "Cheers."  
  
I clinked my empty glass against her half-full one.  
  
"What are you here for?" I asked.  
  
"Waiting for my shift to begin."  
  
"Where do you work?"  
  
"I'm a stripper at the Pussy Palace." Maia replied.  
  
I nearly choked on the ice cube I was sucking on.  
  
King of pain...  
  
"Excuse me, but I thought you said the Pussy Palace, the biggest lesbian strip joint in the city."  
  
"I did. What, never met a lesbian before, you wanker?" she scoffed.  
  
"Um," I stumbled for words, "Not so blatantly so, no. Nice accent."  
  
"Thanks. All women adore British accents." Maia said, lighting up a cigarette.  
  
I nodded. This was getting weird. Besides, it probably wasn't the best of ideas to have walked out on April. I decided to go back home.  
  
"Well, it was nice meeting you, Maia." I said, "But I'm gonna get going."  
  
"Well, bloody hell! You just got here! You're not even properly drunk! Sit your arse down and have another drink- on me." Maia ordered.  
  
King of pain...  
  
"Honestly, I really shouldn't. . ." I started.  
  
Then I thought about it. When was the next time I'd ever have drinks with a British lesbian stripper? Probably not in this lifetime.  
  
"Sure," I said, "What the hell? Know any good drinking games?"  
  
Maia blew a smoke ring in my face. "Honey, I invented most of the them."  
  
I'll always be king of pain  
  
I'll always be king of pain  
  
I'll always be king of pain... 


	10. Finally

Chapter 11- Finally  
  
Hey everyone! Thanks for reading, I am so incredibly psyched I started updating again, and now I'm on a roll! Ok, nothing new to say, so here's the new chapter! Also, Letters To You will be making a comeback because I FINALLY found a co-author- Amy (Hammergirl!) yay! That'll be coming up when ABH and her story, Don't Breathe Too Deep, are both finished. Song for this chapter is Denial Revisited, by The Offspring. Sorry for the shortness, but this is more of a filler chapter needed to get to the juicier stuff.  
  
(April's POV)  
  
So, here we go  
  
Having the same old fight again  
  
There she goes  
  
Same old game that never ends...  
  
I didn't stay in the doorway long enough to watch Roger disappear into the distance. Instead, I sat on the floor, strangely calm. When Maureen had passed me in the stairwell on her way out, she looked at me haughtily and had said,  
  
"Tell Marky that I couldn't make it."  
  
Marky...when the fuck had that started? She barely knew him...no one knew him, it seemed. Did I even know him? I wanted to...so badly, suddenly. I glanced toward his bedroom door. Just two weeks ago, I charged at that door in an attempt to get him to let me in. I needed him to let me in. I thought about the idea that Mark and Maureen might go out sometime. Maureen was pretty enough, and definitely vivacious. But, in the inner reaches of my mind, I knew I'd be damned before I saw the day where Maureen would be the object of Mark's desire. I had been the object of his desire...for longer than I knew, probably. Why did it seem all of a sudden that he was now the object of mine? This morning, when I tripped and accidentally kissed him...I had felt a fuse so strong, so explosive, that I could have been knocked on my ass. I slowly got up and walked to Mark's room. He lay on his bed asleep, his blond hair falling boyishly over his forehead. I looked down at him, and smiled. I kneeled next to the bed, wondering if I was going to do what I thought I was about to do. I could still almost hear Roger's footsteps echoing away down the stairwell of my consciousness, and yet that didn't seem to matter anymore...  
  
If I could say all the right words  
  
I know how I could make you stay...  
  
Suddenly, Mark opened his blue eyes and was staring at me from his position on the bed.  
  
"April? What's going on?" he mumbled sleepily.  
  
"Roger left again." I said tonelessly.  
  
Mark sat straight up in bed.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
I briefly explained the situation to him, ending with Maureen leaving, mine and Roger's fight, and Roger leaving. Mark shook his head slowly and made sympathetic noises the whole time. I felt awful, keeping most of the truth of how this all came about to him...but he couldn't know! No one could...I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I was sick, never mind the rest of the world.  
  
If I could say all the right words  
  
Things would work out alright...  
  
"So Roger walked out again?"  
  
"Yeah," I said, "He left a few minutes ago."  
  
"Some birthday party."  
  
"You know, I was thinking the same thing myself a few minutes ago." I laughed.  
  
"You don't seem too horribly distressed about all of this." Mark commented.  
  
I thought for a moment. I had been before, but this strange calm had come over me, like a gentle breeze in the middle of a humid day. Was this really happening? Were these feelings really rising to the surface? I could feel the resurgence of the life force in my veins just looking at him...  
  
And if you go  
  
I won't believe that its forever...  
  
"I was," I confessed, "But...ugh, Mark, I can't do this!"  
  
Mark looked puzzled. "Do what?"  
  
"This!" I said. "I can't keep myself from ignoring you! It's not right, not fair! I know you may have an interest in Maureen..."  
  
"Not so much anymore."  
  
"But when I tell you I'm jealous of any possibilities between you two, it's no word of a lie!"  
  
Mark gazed at me for a moment. Then, he took my hands in his. As he did so, I felt all the hair rise on the back of my neck; I could feel his pulse through his thumb. I couldn't recall ever feeling this way about anyone at any time in my life...not even Roger.  
  
"April, don't think I don't understand. Part of my loving you has also been part torturous knowledge that you'll never be mine. But you have Roger, and as much as I would love to sweep you off your feet, Roger is my best friend. I will not betray him...I can't. He loves you too much..."  
  
And you can go  
  
But I'll never leave, cause it's not over...  
  
"Don't say that." I said softly.  
  
"Goddammit, April! What more can I say? The boy loves you! He always has, he always will! I will not risk our friendship and I will not let you risk your relationship all for the sake of a minor lovesick man's fantasies!" he fairly shouted.  
  
My eyes started to well up, but I defiantly fought back tears.  
  
"Is that what you think? That your love is a minor fantasy? What happened to loving me more everyday? Where did that go, Mark? When was the last time Roger really treated me right? He can apologize a million times but it's never too long before he rips me to shreds again!"  
  
Replay last night  
  
Talking it out don't make it right...  
  
"April, we can't..."  
  
"I am so goddamned sick of trying to tell myself and have you tell me what we should or should not do!" I burst out.  
  
And then I took his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. It was long and sweet and so pure that the lies I had told seemed to vanish into the mist that was rapidly filling my brain. Mark seemed stunned at first, but a few seconds later, his fingers were running through my hair and his mouth was opening slightly. This was new and wonderful, this was amazing. I could barely feel myself lifting off of the floor as Mark pulled me into bed with him. His small moans came soft and slow, and my body trembled under his touch. This was what we needed, this was the core of all of it- not sexual aggression, not physical pleasure- but bliss. Pure, unadulterated bliss. And as all thoughts of Roger, AIDS, The Man, and Maureen melted away inside the heat we had created, I knew I had found a better heaven.  
  
I know she's tried  
  
But my whole world is her  
  
And all I got now...  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
Hours later, I was slightly tipsy, but nowhere near as drunk as Maia. Guilt had taken over me, and as the shots came my way, I started to pretend to tank it, but would really hand it over to Maia. She was too drunk to notice.  
  
And if you go  
  
I won't believe that it's forever...  
  
"I'm going to get going." I said for the fifth time in the past four hours.  
  
"Aw, come on, you wanker, stay a little longer!" Maia slurred.  
  
"No, really, I ought to be going." I insisted.  
  
"Fine," she said drunkenly, "Be a bloody party pooper. See if I...oh fuck wank bugger shitting arsehead and hole!" she swore profusely as she dropped another drink on herself.  
  
"Nice meeting you, Maia." I said, shaking her hand gingerly.  
  
I waved to Dean, and then left the bar. As I ambled down the street, I could still feel the techno music pounding through my head.  
  
"I need some fucking Advil." I muttered as I walked back to the loft.  
  
As I approached the loft, I started to get nervous. What if she was gone? What if she had just had enough and left, like the other girls had? She wouldn't though...we were going to get married and have kids and grow old together and die together...she wouldn't leave...even though I sure as hell was good at it. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door to the loft.  
  
I won't let go  
  
Even if she says that it's over  
  
I know it'll be different this time  
  
If you'd just stay...  
  
I walked quietly into the loft. April and Mark were sitting on the couch watching TV- some Spanish soap opera- and they were trying to figure out what was going on.  
  
"Oh Roderigo!" April cried dramatically, "I love you so much that I'm going to screw another woman to prove it to you!"  
  
"Te quiero, mi amore! I am Rico Suave! I come with my Spanish penis full of Spanish sperm to impregnate you with my love child. " Mark said jokingly.  
  
"Hey, guys." I said quietly.  
  
"Hey, babe." April said in an oddly cheery tone.  
  
"What's up?" Mark asked. "You seem a little tipsy."  
  
"Alcohol will do that to you." I answered. "What are you guys doing?"  
  
"Watching Spanish soap operas. We think that Marcella is a lesbian cheating on Roderigo but she can't bear to leave him, and Rick Suave is screwing anything with a vagina." April said.  
  
"Do you understand anything that's going on?" I wanted to know.  
  
"Nope." Mark said.  
  
"It's fun to make it up though." April said.  
  
I sat down on the couch next to April and put my arms around her. Surprisingly, she didn't pull away. There was something definitely wrong here. I had expected to come home to anger and unshed tears; possibly even an empty apartment- but not this.  
  
And when we wrote this story  
  
How did it end...  
  
"Are you okay?" I asked her tentatively.  
  
"Couldn't be better." April said distractedly.  
  
Finally I took her face in my hands and made her look at me.  
  
"When I left a few hours ago, we were fighting and screaming at each other. Now I come home expecting to find you upset and angry and instead you're watching TV acting like nothing happened. What's the deal? Am I supposed to figure this out?"  
  
April jerked her head away.  
  
"Stop it, Roger. I'm trying to just move on. You were a jerk, but I'm not going to pursue it any farther. I think we should just let it blow over."  
  
Sighing, I turned back and let her keep watching TV. What the hell was going on? This wasn't normal. There was something wrong, I could feel it...  
  
It was you and me  
  
For all our lives...  
  
"I'm going to take a nap." I announced.  
  
"Ok, babe. I'll see you in a bit?" April asked, pecking me on the lips.  
  
"Yeah...in a bit." I said.  
  
"Later, Roger." Mark said.  
  
And then I walked into my bedroom and flopped on my bed. Within seconds, exhaustion overtook me, and I was asleep.  
  
Come on, don't say it  
  
We'll try again  
  
And if I'd just hold you  
  
We could last...  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
As I watched Roger stalk off to the bedroom, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of guilt.  
  
"Do you think he knows?" I whispered to April.  
  
"No," she whispered back, "He would have said something. He just thinks I'm still pissed."  
  
"Aren't you?"  
  
"Not really, just sick of all the bullshit. Besides..." she hesitated.  
  
"What is it?" I asked.  
  
"I think I'm going to leave him," she said in a rush.  
  
My eyes widened and my jaw almost dropped in disbelief.  
  
"You are? For good? Why?"  
  
April snorted. "Don't act like you don't know. All the fights, lies...hurtful words that won't go away. We're both guilty of it. It'd probably be best for both of us if we just broke it off."  
  
But she stands softly  
  
Tears down her face...  
  
I sighed. "We couldn't be together. I hope you know that."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Why not? April, think for a second! If you leave him for me, then he'll know about everything. It will ruin our friendship permanently!"  
  
"He'd get over it!" April insisted.  
  
"Maybe he'd get over you, but not what happened! And to be honest, I'm not sure that he'd get over you- he wants to spend the rest of his goddamned life with you!"  
  
April sighed. "I don't even know if I could do it. It's not that I don't care for him...I do, but...oh, I don't know."  
  
I gave her an odd look. "Don't know what? If you really want to leave, how hard can it be to just leave?"  
  
April threw up her hands in frustration. "Mark, you've never had a serious relationship! What the hell could you possibly understand? Things are so much more complicated than they seem, especially when you have to tell someone you've been with for a while that you don't want to spend forever with them. Don't lecture me about how much he cares- in his own way, he does. I know he does, and I know I care too. That's why this is hard. You're his best friend- you don't want to see him hurt. Well guess what- neither do I, Mark...neither do I."  
  
Hitting me, oh god  
  
This is the end...  
  
I drew April against me. "If he ever catches on, he will get hurt. We can stop. This doesn't have to happen again. I'll leave it up to you- all of it."  
  
"All of what?" she asked confusedly.  
  
"The entire...affair, if you will. What to do with my heart...just, please...be gentle, whatever you do." I said softly.  
  
She looked at me then. It seemed like she was searching through my eyes for...something. Whatever it was, I just hoped she found it there.  
  
"I don't want to end it. I don't want to be a bitch and have two relationships at the same time, but I need to figure out what I want." April said finally.  
  
"What, so you're going to fuck two guys at once while 'deciding what you want'?" I asked bitterly.  
  
"In a word, yes. Just not so heartless." April said "I don't want to hurt anyone."  
  
"You already have...in so many ways, you already have." I replied. "It's only a matter of time before you turn the cuts into scars."  
  
I'd wait here for you  
  
But there's nothing more now I can do  
  
How did you know...  
  
April sighed. "I don't want to think about it right now. I'm with you right now, and just sitting here with you has made me feel more at ease than I've felt in almost a month. I..."  
  
I put a finger on her lips and shushed her.  
  
"Don't need to say anymore, then, do you?" I asked.  
  
And then I leaned forward and kissed her. It was soft and slow, and impassioned in ways that no one else would be able to understand. We made love on the couch that night, unaware and uncaring that Roger...my best friend, her fiancé, was sleeping fitfully in a room just two feet away...wondering what the hell had happened to the love of his life.  
  
How did you know  
  
How did you know  
  
Finally... 


	11. Won't Ask Twice

Chapter 12- Won't Ask Twice  
  
Hey-hey! Hope everyone liked the last chapter, and thanks for the reviews! I'm trying to update as frequently as I can, especially cause the story's starting to get wicked juicy. Anyway, the song for this chapter is I Could Fall In Love, by Selena. Also, Roger and April are going to have a distinctly short POV this time around- sorry, guys!  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
[I could lose my heart tonight  
  
If you don't turn and walk away  
  
Cause the way I feel I might  
  
Lose control and let you stay...]  
  
I woke up next to April on the couch, unaware and not caring what would happen if Roger had found us like this in the middle of the night. We lay entangled in a mass of arms and legs, half- naked. I could smell the scent of her hair as she lay enfolded in my arms. God, I loved this woman...she was...amazing, to say the very least, and so very mistreated by someone whom she loved and was supposed to love her back. I couldn't deny though, that lately, she was Roger's little queen. They seemed happier than ever before...so why was I, or her for that matter, so willing to fuck it up?  
  
"Mark?" she asked me sleepily, raising her head to look at me.  
  
"Hey, gorgeous, you're awake." I whispered and stroked her face.  
  
She seemed a bit taken aback by the sudden exploitation of affection, but smiled anyway.  
  
"We should go to bed. If Roger comes out here..."  
  
"I know." I said, my face falling.  
  
"Oh, Mark," April said, cradling my head in her arms, "I know this sucks. Please, be patient. I swear you won't regret it."  
  
[Cause I could take you in my arms  
  
And never let go  
  
I could fall in love with you  
  
I could fall in love with you...]  
  
Silently, we got up and got dressed. I watched her move, amazed by the fluidity with which her limbs moved; the way her muscles rippled gracefully. It seemed like such a funny thing to notice, but it was just one more facet of her beauty; one more reason I loved her. I wanted to just take hold of her and crush her in my arms and beg her not to go into Roger's bed. I couldn't take the knowledge that as soon as she went into his bed, the same thing would happen all over again- it was Roger and April, his girlfriend, two lovers...  
  
"April..." I started.  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"Please...please, don't go." I begged, trying to take hold of the emotions that had suddenly gone awry.  
  
April sighed and came over to me. "Mark, we went over this..."  
  
"I know, but I can't stand this...why can't you just choose one or the other? Him or me?" I asked pathetically.  
  
"Mark, try to understand. I love him and I really...care for you. This is hard enough without you trying for force a decision on me. Now, I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning." April said, and walked down the hallway to her and Roger's room.  
  
I got dressed, but didn't move after that. Instead, I fell back on the couch and clung to the scent of her hair and the warmth from where her body lay. I wanted to follow her into the room, curl up next to her, and fall asleep unnoticed. But, as I heard sounds of laughter and love coming from that same room, I knew tonight was a night for loneliness...but what night in my life wasn't? I knew how the routine would go- April would play the dutiful role of Roger's girlfriend by day; seductive in her whirlwind affair with me during passionate nights. Every time she kissed me, every time I touched her; would thrust into her body, I wanted to burst out sobbing for lack of real love...and for the guilt that boiled in my veins. I almost wished for Roger to walk in and find me fucking April. Anything to further deaden the hollowness I felt inside. Weeks passed...  
  
"Hey, sexy." April purred in my ear one evening when Roger was in the bathroom.  
  
We were all sitting around the kitchen table playing poker. Roger had excused himself to take a piss which culminated in a frantic make out session between April and I while he was away.  
  
[I could only wonder how  
  
Touching you would make me feel  
  
But if I take that chance right now  
  
Tomorrow will you want me still...]  
  
April nibbled on my ear while I caressed the breasts that lay beneath her shirt.  
  
"So, come to a decision yet?" I asked, breathlessly pulling away from her.  
  
April's eyes had taken on a hungry look. "Um...yeah, maybe."  
  
I bit the side of her neck. "And the verdict is?"  
  
April pushed me away in frustration. "God, Mark! Why can't you wait and just fucking take it as it comes? Why do you keep putting all this pressure on me?"  
  
I crossed my arms. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because it won't be too much longer before Roger finds out I'm fucking his fiancé? Just a guess, though."  
  
She sighed, and hitched her shirt up over her breasts. "I'll know when the times comes what to do. Things between him and I have been so great lately..."  
  
"Except when you're off fucking me. Just a question, but did you ever think that if you're off screwing his best friend, that maybe, just maybe, things weren't that great after all?"  
  
Roger returned at that moment.  
  
"Hey, baby. Miss me?" he asked jokingly. "Whose deal?"  
  
"Mine," April replied, shuffling the cards. "And oh God, yes, I missed you so badly."  
  
"Thanks for that vote of support." Roger said, pretending to be hurt.  
  
"Anytime!" she said, kissing him on the lips.  
  
April dealt the cards quickly. I looked at mine- two aces, the queen of spades, the two of clubs, and the ten of clubs.  
  
"Hey, sweetie? What's that on your neck?" Roger asked curiously.  
  
She laughed nervously. "What? Oh, that's the one you gave me last night."  
  
Roger shook his head slowly. "Nope, I definitely did not do that. That wasn't there before."  
  
I felt my stomach drop, and my hands gripped the cards so hard that sweat broke out. No, he couldn't find out...not here, not now, not even before she decided what she wanted to do...  
  
[So I should keep this to myself  
  
And never let you know...]  
  
"Yes, it was. It was covered by my hair." April was saying to him.  
  
"No, it wasn't. April, I think I'd remember whether that was something I had given you, and when I do you usually chew me out- and you haven't for this one. What the hell is going on?" Roger asked slowly.  
  
"So!" I said brightly, "April, I need three new cards." I said, throwing away my two, ten, and queen.  
  
Roger looked at me suspiciously, and then tossed his whole hand on the table. "New hand."  
  
April put in two cards, and then handed new cards to each of us. April's face fell as she looked at her new hand. Roger's face lit up slightly, and mine...let's say I had a good poker face. I needed one.  
  
"I fold." April said in disgust.  
  
I glanced over at Roger, who had been watching me the whole time. He seemed to be watching everything I said, anything I did...  
  
"Three of a kind- jacks." Roger said. "Read em, and weep."  
  
He shot me a look. "Whatcha got, Marky? Betcha you can't beat that...I think you've got nothing, I bet you have jack shit."  
  
I glared at him. "Really, Roger? That what I have- or what I am?"  
  
"How about both?" he challenged.  
  
"Guys, come on..." April started.  
  
But it was all over now. Roger had picked up on something, somewhere- maybe the mark on April's neck, maybe the way her shirt was still slightly skewed...maybe the way we had been acting the past few weeks...guilty, like we had something to hide...and now we were playing for keeps; this silly poker game nothing but a metaphor for 'she's my girl'. I spread my hand out on the table...  
  
[I could fall in love with you  
  
I could fall in love with you  
  
I could fall in love with you...]  
  
"Four of a kind- aces!" I said triumphantly. "I win!"  
  
Roger sat back as April crowed in victory...but whose victory was it, really?  
  
"You win..." Roger whispered. Then he stalked off to his room.  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
I lay on my bed, head stuffed inside my pillow. This was so stupid. My mind was overreacting on overdrive- there were too many stupid fantasies I had that weren't true, no matter what my mind wanted to think. Of course April wasn't cheating on me with Mark? Why would she? Mark? Jesus, if she was going to, at least she'd hopefully do better than that!  
  
[And I know it's not right  
  
And I guess I should try...]  
  
Or maybe...maybe she was. Like that hickey on her neck during the poker game- I knew I sure as hell didn't give that to her! Well...there was always the chance that I had and that I just didn't remember and she just didn't chew me out. But still...something didn't seem right; something was out of place. There was something distinctly unreal about the whole situation. They had gotten closer lately, April and Mark. I mean, if they were getting to be better friends, that was awesome...but it didn't seem like that's what was going on exactly. Christ, first the incident with the drug dealer, now this? Maybe Maureen was right, maybe...  
  
Fuck that. No, it wasn't possible; it wasn't real. There was no way in hell that this could ever happen. We were getting married! People who are engaged don't do this sort of thing...right? Right.  
  
"Wrong!" I muttered. "Dammit!"  
  
In a fit of rage, I grabbed the picture of April and I that was on the nightstand and threw it across the room. The frame that we had just gotten to replace the old one shattered into a million pieces and the glass cut the picture into jagged strips. A piece of glass went flying and hit me, dragging its sharp edge down my arm.  
  
"Shit!" I yelled, and grabbed an old T-shirt to stop the bleeding.  
  
It was then that I realized that I liked the hurt; liked the feeling of feeling pain. Maybe I wasn't completely numb this way...and so I grabbed another piece and dug it further into my cut. The pain was searing and tears came to my eyes as I barely stood the pain. But it soon subsided...and then there was another piece of glass, and another, and another, and another...and the pain I felt in my arm still was not enough to quench the pain I felt everywhere else in my soul.  
  
[To do what I should do  
  
But I could fall in love  
  
Fall in love with you  
  
I could fall in love with you...]  
  
(April's POV)  
  
"Mark, maybe it's time that I decide what to do..." I said quietly as Roger stormed from the table.  
  
"April, you know how you feel about this- do it when you're ready..." Mark murmured, stroking my hair.  
  
He pulled me with him to the couch and started kissing my neck.  
  
"Isn't this what got us in trouble in the first place?" I half-laughed.  
  
[I'm always dreaming of you  
  
Kissing my lips, caressing my skin  
  
Hugging me with crazy longings  
  
Imagining that you love me the way I could love you...]  
  
"Oh well..." he replied softly.  
  
I tumbled into his arms, and we lay there for a while. Finally, Mark looked up at me.  
  
"Any decisions yet?" Mark wanted to know.  
  
"Maybe..."  
  
"Well, let me influence that decision just a little..." he said softly. "Marry me."  
  
I nearly spit out the piece of gum I had been chewing for the past three hours.  
  
"What? Mark, are you crazy? I mean, what are you thinking? That could never happen! Roger would flip, and it'd have to be secret, and I can't leave him, and..."  
  
Mark gently cupped a hand over my mouth.  
  
"I didn't ask for the consequences. I asked for you to marry me. It's a one- word answer. I can't promise you more than an honest, open, loving heart filled with boundless love for you. I will spend the rest of my days trying to make you happier than you've ever been before. I know this sounds nuts, but the past few weeks have been...nuts. And I can feel a connection, I know something is there...there has to be. Please, tell me something is there!" he said.  
  
[So I should keep this to myself  
  
And never let you know  
  
I could fall in love with you  
  
I could fall in love with you...]  
  
"Oh, Mark..." I sighed.  
  
"April. I won't ask you twice. Marry me."  
  
I gazed into his eyes. They were the most beautiful shade of grayish blue...and I could see my face reflected in them. My own plain face somehow looked like a goddess in his eyes...it was like looking in Snow White's magic mirror. Mirror, mirror on the wall...what path should I choose before I fall...  
  
[I could fall in love with you  
  
I could fall in love with you  
  
I could fall in love with you...] 


	12. Love Light

Hey to all my loyal ABH fans! Sorry, again, for the long update...again. Work and summer reading are bitches, but I have prevailed! Mucho kudos goes out to my favorite and best reviewer, Amy! Song for this chapter is Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. The part of the chapter where a certain apology takes place is dedicated to my boyfriend, Elliot- I adore you, and maybe I can write my apologies to you better this way than saying it in words. Please forgive me.  
  
Chapter 13- Love Light  
  
(Mark's POV)  
  
[It's late in the evening  
  
She's wondering what clothes to wear  
  
She puts on her makeup  
  
And brushes her long blond hair...]  
  
I lay there, with April in my arms, hoping for an answer to the question I had just popped. I couldn't believe it- I had committed the ultimate act of betrayal, and yet, I felt wonderful. The chance that this girl, this extraordinary creation, could be mine was exhilarating. April was sitting there, staring at me. She looked dreamy and dazed, like she had just woken up from a spell-induced sleep.  
  
"Marry you...I don't know what to say, Mark..." April said slowly.  
  
She trailed off and began staring into space again. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, like how much I loved her, and how she'd never understand how much, because it was like someone had opened my eyes and showed me the world when I first kissed her. I wanted to tell her that I'd be a kinder, gentler lover, and that I would never let anything get in the way of our life together. That Roger...  
  
Roger...my best friend. My buddy, my pal...my life preserver. The guy who was always there to induce me to leave real life for a while, but knew just how to jerk my chain right back down to earth again. Could I really do this to him? But as I lay there with my dream girl in my arms, and reminded myself of all that had happened in the past while... and knew I couldn't let this go. My one chance at happiness- there was no way I could let it slip past me so easily...  
  
"Mark," April started, and my heart leapt into my throat.  
  
I couldn't let her turn me down, she couldn't say no! I knew what she wanted; she said so herself- that she couldn't ignore me any longer!  
  
"April," I interrupted, my heart pounding wildly, "Please, let me give you true happiness! I can do it, I know I can! I'm not Roger- I won't go out and stay out late, I won't let work become my life...we wouldn't fight nearly as much! I've loved you longer than I thought possible and with more force each day, so please..."  
  
"Yes." April cut in, slowly and deliberately.  
  
"April, don't do this! You don't have to worry about Roger or what will happen, we can take this one day at a time and...what?"  
  
"Yes. Mark, I said yes, I'll marry you."  
  
[And then she asks me, 'Do I look alright?'  
  
And Isay, 'Yes, you look wonderful tonight'...]  
  
My jaw dropped, and I tried to hold myself together as April sat up, clasped her arms about my shoulders, and kissed me deeply. As I kissed her back, I couldn't help but hoping that this moment would never die.  
  
"Really?" I whispered when she was done kissing me.  
  
"Really," she whispered back. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You're it, Mark- you're the one I'm meant to be with."  
  
"What about Roger?" I asked gently.  
  
April drew away for a moment, and I could see her eyes shut down and her heart close in on itself.  
  
"I don't want to think about that now. Please, Mark, don't make me. I'll think of something...but right now, I just want to think about you and me. Is that ok?"  
  
"I can't think of any other way I'd rather have it," I told her truthfully, and grinned. "So, let's go!"  
  
April looked stunned. "Go where?"  
  
"Get married, of course! Why wait? Let's do it today!" I said excitedly, my mind full of ideas, each more wonderful than before.  
  
"But Mark, I don't have a ring, or a dress, or flowers..."  
  
I took her face in my hands and looked into her eyes. "Does that really matter?" I asked seriously.  
  
April sighed. "Well, no, but..."  
  
"But what?"  
  
"I'd always had this idea in my head of how I wanted my wedding to be. I wanted a gorgeous dress with my hair and nails all pretty. I wanted flowers to walk down the aisle with- tiger lilies. I wanted to be surrounded by my family and friends, and to have a wonderful party afterward where I could celebrate the happiest day of my life with everyone I cared about. I wanted my Daddy to walk me down the aisle while my Mom waited smilingly in the pews." April said almost longingly, her eyes off in the distance.  
  
I was silent for a moment. April had never spoken of her parents- I knew nothing of where she came from; what her background was. I didn't even know if Roger knew anything about them.  
  
[We go to a party  
  
And everyone turns to see  
  
This beautiful lady  
  
That's walking around with me...]  
  
"Mark, I want to marry you." April continued, "But I don't want to run away and get married like we're ashamed to show the world. If we're going to do it, I want to do it right. And Mark, Roger's your best friend. The fact that I'm leaving him for you is going to be hard enough on him. Imagine how it would be if we left tonight, got married, and came back tomorrow morning and told him. What would we say to him? 'Hey, Roger, I got married this morning- oh, did I mention it was to your best friend?' We can't do that."  
  
"Why do we have to tell him right away? Can't we keep it a secret for a bit? If you want, we can have a ceremony for our families once all of this is cleared up- but right now, I want nothing more than to look into your eyes and call you my wife." I answered honestly.  
  
I took her hands in mine. "Please," I said, "Come on. Run away with me."  
  
Despite my serious tone, April cracked a smile at my last sentence.  
  
"Is that supposed to be some bad pickup line?" she asked. "Cause honestly, I never thought I'd hear anyone say that to me, especially for real."  
  
I laughed. "No, it's not. But I am for real."  
  
April got up and sat on her heels, leaning backward into the arm of the couch. She stared pensively into space for a few moments. Those moments were the longest ones of my life to date.  
  
"Oh, what the hell. Let's do this thing!" April said.  
  
"You're with me?" I asked, jumping from the couch.  
  
"I'm with you!" she cried, and then squealed as I picked her up and swung her around.  
  
"You won't regret this." I said, cupping her face in my hands.  
  
April's smile faded just a little as she answered, "God, I hope not."  
  
(Roger's POV)  
  
[And then she asks me, 'Do you feel alright?'  
  
And I say yes, 'I feel wonderful tonight'...]  
  
I lay sprawled on my bed, ignoring the throbbing in my arm. The cuts from the glass were jagged and deep. They hurt like a bitch, and I knew that I should probably get it checked out. Still, what the fuck was I going to say- that I stabbed myself with glass because I can't handle the thought that my fiancée might be cheating on me with my best friend? I sighed. Christ, who the fuck was I kidding? What reason did I have not to trust either of them? April was the one who had no right to trust me...after all the shit I'd put her through lately. It wouldn't surprise me if she had found someone else. I was so sick of fucking up...but I just didn't know how to stop. Maybe she was right- the band, the drugs, all of it. Even the sex didn't seem as wonderful as it used to- it was almost like she was playing the part; had prerecorded the moans and the 'Oh Roger's beforehand. I couldn't stand the idea of being with her without her. I couldn't take the thought of me without her. I had to think of something...something to show I cared; that I was committed...  
  
That was it! Committed! I'd go and buy her a promise ring. I already had given her an engagement ring (so yeah, I did this backwards), but still...promise rings are special...they add the extra touch. I didn't know what else to do, and I knew my speeches about doing better were getting tiring...maybe I could have something engraved on the inside of the ring for her!  
  
Full of inspiration, I leaped up, letting shards of broken glass fall to the floor with me. Careful not to step on them, I pulled on a jacket. On second thought, I put another one on as so not to let the cuts bleed through. With this new hope, with another shred of optimism to cling on to, I burst out of my room. To my utter dismay, the living room was empty. Mark and April were nowhere to be found.  
  
[I feel wonderful because I see  
  
The love light in your eyes  
  
And the wonder of it all is that  
  
You just don't realize how much I love you...]  
  
With a sinking heart, and the feeling that something wasn't quite right, I decided to make sure they were gone.  
  
"Mark? April?" I called out.  
  
There was no answer. A small piece of paper that was lying on the counter caught my eye. It was a note from Mark:  
  
Roger,  
  
Sorry we left without telling you- April's really upset and needed to talk. We went for a walk- be back whenever, I guess. We'll bring back some Chinese.  
  
I crumpled the note up and tossed it behind me. It landed in the sink, and the ink started to bleed off the thin paper. Before I started to get metaphorical, I grabbed my wallet and left the house. The streets were colder than before, and the dark loomed around me. I walked around until I came to a small jewelry store- the one I had bought April's engagement ring in. The owner greeted me upon my arrival.  
  
"Back again?" he asked me.  
  
"Hey, Mr. Calahan. Yeah, I am."  
  
"Girl didn't like the ring?" Calahan asked me, never taking his eyes off of the gold bracelet he was cleaning.  
  
"She loved it. She probably loves it more than me now, if she even still does." I said miserably.  
  
"Still does what- you or the ring?"  
  
"Either or. I..." I started, and then sat down on the floor, leaning my head against the cool glass counter. "Everything is just so fucked up. I don't know how she feels about me anymore, or if she even still wants to be with me. Sometimes, I even get the idea that she's falling for my best friend. Crazy, huh?"  
  
Mr. Calahan glanced up at me seriously, and put down the bracelet. "Is it? Is the possibility really that far-fetched?"  
  
"God, I hope so!" I exclaimed.  
  
"You're putting faith in the wrong person there, son. God ain't gonna help you win back this girl's heart, especially if it now belongs to someone else. Even more so if you were the one that pushed her in that direction."  
  
"Me? Why would I want April to fall in love with Mark?" I cried out. "I mean, yeah, the guy's lonely and all, but handing him my fiancée on a platter goes beyond my realm of generosity."  
  
Calahan shook his head. "You're not listening son. You need to learn to do that better- to listen, not just hear. That could be part of your problem. Maybe she's been trying to tell you that something is wrong, and that she's unhappy- and maybe you've been hearing her, but not truly listening."  
  
I thought about that for a long moment. Could that really be it? Was I really being just some insensitive asshole? If so, I never meant to. All I wanted was to love her...and feel lucky enough to know that she loved me in return. We were both so young...not that it ever mattered, or like we ever cared. At that second, I felt like someone had taken the blinders off of my eyes and shown me the world. The tears seemed more real; the hurt more painful- and all of it in a flood of emotion that would never seem to cease. But this wasn't getting me anywhere...  
  
"I think you're right." I said softly.  
  
"What was that?" Calahan asked me.  
  
"I said, I think you're right. And I don't think I should have to buy April a promise ring to try to show her how much I care for her. I should have been able to show her that all along. I haven't lately...I need to go." I said, and got up quickly.  
  
As I was about to leave, Calahan called out, "Hey, kid!"  
  
I turned. "Yeah?"  
  
"No one ever said this would be easy," he said.  
  
I nodded. "Thanks."  
  
(April's POV)  
  
[It's time to go home now  
  
I've got an aching head  
  
So I give her the car keys  
  
She helps me to bed...]  
  
I sat in a bathroom stall in the courthouse, blowing my nose and wiping my eyes for the tenth time in five minutes. I couldn't believe it. I was really going to go through with this. I was still as sure as ever...but this had to have been the most emotional and crucial moment of my life. Marry one guy and dump his best friend- no matter which way I chose. Someone would get hurt. I hated hurting people, especially since people I thought were closest to me had hurt me the most.  
  
A few minutes later I was walking down the courtroom aisle toward Mark. The grin on his face was unmatchable, but he looked slightly nervous- almost as if he had thought I wouldn't come back. The Justice had given me a small bouquet of flowers to hold. All the makeup in the world couldn't hide the redness of my eyes. And now, here I was...walking down the aisle to marry Mark Cohen. Not Roger Davis...my real fiancé, my real boyfriend...  
  
I pushed that thought out of my mind as I came up beside Mark. I quietly tucked my hands in his, and the Justice of the Peace began to read the vows under the watchful eyes of the two witnesses- a couple of volunteer secretaries from the courthouse. The ceremony went by quickly, and to this day, I can't remember much. I wasn't nervous at all, but completely taken with the sight of his eyes. And then, suddenly, it was all over.  
  
"With the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."  
  
And so, gently, Mark leaned forward, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me- his wife.  
  
"I love you." Mark whispered when he pulled away.  
  
"I love you too." I whispered back.  
  
It was the first time I had ever said that, and the feeling that rose up inside me as we left the courthouse was one of the feelings of purest happiness and bliss that I had ever felt in my entire life. Unfortunately, the plain gold band that Mark had presented me with during the ceremony was removed and stashed in my purse upon reentering the loft. Talk about a honeymoon, huh?  
  
"April, you're back." Roger said when I came in the door.  
  
"Yeah, I am." I said, trying to act as normal as possible.  
  
"Mark, can April and I have a second alone?" Roger asked.  
  
"Sure," Mark said, and then left the room.  
  
Roger sat down on the couch and pulled me down with him.  
  
"Can we talk?" he asked me.  
  
"Sure- what about?" I asked nonchalantly.  
  
"Us. I realize things haven't been going well lately. I realize that most of this has been my fault. And I just wanted to tell you a few things. First off, and most importantly, I'm sorry- I'm sorry, and I love you. You are the world to me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you. I know how I am sometimes, and I know how hard I can be to deal with; how hard to live with I can be. I know I have my faults, as do we all, and that living with them while still loving me can be difficult. Everyday, I hope to hell that you won't stop loving me; that you won't wake up one morning and decide you've had enough. I know you're sick of excuses and justifications. I understand, and I'm sorry. I know there are things I've said and done that I can't take back- things that the hurt still stings every time you think about it. You never deserved any of it, and I will spend the rest of forever making it up to you. You deserve better, and it's almost as if I'm afraid you'll realize that one day- and decide to leave. All I can promise you is boundless love and devotion, which you always have and always will have. I can also promise to try harder to respect the person you are and the needs you have, and to listen more to what you say."  
  
"Roger," I started, afraid that this was going too far. Maybe now was the time to tell him. All I had to do was say it, endure the storm, and then leave...  
  
"Please, let me get this out. We used to be happy together. We still are, but there's distance...and I don't want to grow into a rift. All I want is to see that smile that I love so much on your face again. All I want is to feel your arms around me and know that you put them there because you wanted to hold me. I want to hear you say that you love me, and know that it wasn't forced. Most of all, I want you know how sorry I am- and how, if it's seemed like I've taken you for granted and not taken your feelings in account lately- it won't happen again."  
  
Roger took a deep breath and looked at me expectantly.  
  
"So, April- will you forgive me?"  
  
And then he produced the ring that he had given me a few months ago the night he had asked me to marry him- the one I thrown on the floor just weeks ago when we got into a fight. He hadn't been worth it then, and it didn't seem worth it now. But I wasn't ready for the commotion my sudden announcement would cause. Instead, I chose to run away- the thing I'm best at doing.  
  
"Yes, I will." I said warmly, and put the ring back on my left hand. "I love you, Roger. I do."  
  
And as he pulled me into his familiar embrace, I could see Mark hiding near his bedroom door, pretending not to be listening. It was the telltale tears falling down his cheeks and staining the top of his scarf that made me realize that I was going to hurt more than one person before this was all through.  
  
[And then I tell her  
  
As I turn out the light  
  
I say, 'My darling, you were wonderful tonight.'  
  
'Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.'] 


	13. Can't Live This Way

**Chapter 14- Can't Live This Way**

Hey all! Finally, a new chapter ready for all the ABH fans out there! It's close to the end, so stay tuned! Also, sorry for April fans- her POV is more of a monologue than a story this time. It's getting to be the end for her anyway… Song for this chapter is With or Without You, by U2.

**(Roger's POV)**

_See the stone set in your eyes_

_See the thorn twist in your side_

_I wait for you…_

The next morning dawned bright and golden. I woke up at six to see April standing outside our room on the fire escape. Her red hair fell in waves down her back and she had wrapped herself in a blanket. I could see her shivering slightly in the predawn chill. Slowly, trying not to let her hear me get up, I slid out of bed and pulled on a shirt.

"Good morning" I murmured as I pulled her against me in a hug.

April started, and then pulled away slightly. "Good morning."

"You're up early."

April sighed. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep."

"You seem to be having that problem a lot lately. Maybe it's all those late nights all of a sudden…" I trailed off, not wanting to start another fight.

April huddled further inside of the blanket. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…you've just been sitting up late watching TV a lot more now. I'm just saying maybe you should come to bed earlier. I'm worried about you. You're not yourself lately."

"How can a person be herself when she doesn't feel like she's anyone at all?" April said, almost to herself.

_Slight of hand and twist of fate_

_On a bed of nails she makes me wait_

_And I wait without you…_

I turned her so she was facing me, and was surprised to see tears running down her face. I tried to hug her, but she stiffened inside of my embrace.

"Sweetie? What's wrong?" I asked her almost frantically. "Talk to me!"

Instead, April pushed past me into the house, sobbing uncontrollably. I stood there on the fire escape, flabbergasted. What had just happened? I didn't want to wait too long to find out. Purposefully, I strode into the house to find April collapsed on our bed, sobbing like her heart had been broken.

"April, please!" I begged her as I sat down next to her. "Tell me what's going on!"

Instead, she buried her face into my shoulder and cried until I couldn't hear it anymore…only could feel her shoulders shaking with unshed tears. After a while, she stopped, and only softly hiccupped now that the storm was over.

"I can't live this way anymore, Roger…I just can't." she whispered.

"Live what way, babe? Come on- whatever it is you need to say can't really be that bad." I said with a conviction that I couldn't truly feel.

_With or without you_

_With or without you…_

"You have no idea…" she said, more to herself than to me, I guessed.

"April…I love you, and I promise that…" I started.

She sprang off the bed at that, her eyes flashing like that of a wild woman.

"Don't say that!" she cried. "Don't you ever say that to me again! I can't take it!"

"Say what?" I asked, puzzled. "Goddammit, April, just tell me what the fuck is going on!"

There was a strained silence, then-

"We can't be together anymore." April whispered in the softest of whispers.

I had started to stand up to go to her, but fell back down at her words. No, no, no…this wasn't what she really wanted to say!

"April…" I said, my voice shaking with barely controlled emotion, "You don't really mean that. You know you don't. I know there's something going on, and that we need to talk- but this isn't what you really want to say! It can't be!"

I could feel myself on the border of desperation, but it didn't seem to change a thing. April was looking at me almost sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, Roger…I really am. But things are so screwed up right now, and we…" she stopped, and then regained her voice, "We've been fighting so much lately. We fight, make up, have sex…then fight, make up…" her voice trailed off.

"I see. So that's it then…after all of our plans…our hopes and dreams for a future together? You're just throwing them away with a 'Sorry Roger', and then you expect me to just nod my head and pretend that it's fine?" I asked her.

_Through the storm we reach the shore_

_You gave it all, but I want more_

_And I'm waiting for you…_

"No…but I wish it were that simple."

"Why? Did I really mean that little to you that you wish I could just hand you your backpack and show you the door? What the hell, April- you're my goddamned fiancée! You can't just end it like this…you can't…please!" I said before the tears broke through the barrier and poured in torrents down my face.

April bit her lip nervously before saying, "Roger…you don't want me. Trust me on this…I don't even want me anymore, and that sucks. I'm sorry…"

And then she fled the room. I didn't bother to go after her. After all, what good would it do?

"Goddammit!" I yelled, and slammed my fist as hard as I could against the mattress. I did it again, and again, feeling the old box springs rebel against the sudden pressure forced upon them.

"No!" I yelled out in anguish, knowing that no amount of words could describe exactly what I was feeling.

And so I continued to slam my fist against the bed until I was too weak from crying…until the box springs cut through the mattress and cut my hand…until I was jamming the needle I kept stashed under the bed into my wrist…until all went dark, and there was nothing left to feel.

**(Mark's POV)**

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_I can't live with or without you…_

I woke up to the sounds of yelling and fighting.

"Not again…" I groaned, and covered my ears with my pillow.

I couldn't take listening to anymore fights…each time they fought, it gave me hope that my wife would soon leave her lover (which was funny cause as far as Roger was concerned, I was the lover in this situation) and come to me. Then, they'd make up and April would come to me saying that she couldn't leave him yet, and that she needed more time. I felt like such a fool…always hoping for a dream that seemed to be on the brink of coming true, only to be pulled backward again with explanations and justifications.

"Mark?" a voice whispered from the door to my room.

I rolled over to find April standing there, crying.

"What now? Wait, don't tell me- you had another fight, and now you want to know why you can't just leave him? Or how about you tried to leave him but he apologized for everything and now you're not sure what to do- you haven't used that excuse in a while. Or what about…"

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give yourself away…_

"It's over." April said in a voice so quiet that I could barely hear her.

"You…what?" I asked in surprise, pausing mid-tirade.

"I ended it. Happy now?" she asked me with a stare that could freeze ice in July.

"Ended it? Like, it's over between you and Roger?" I asked, barely daring to hope.

"Yes."

I reached out a hand to her, and motioned for her to come to me. Stiffly, she did and sat down next to me.

"That's great…so, it's you and me now?" I asked her, sitting up so I could look at her.

"Sure," she said in the same dead voice.

"Um…great!" I said, trying to ignore the little voice inside my head that told me that everything here was wrong.

Instead, I turned her face to mine and leaned in to kiss her. She kissed me back, but it was different. It wasn't the same passionate, soul-searching kiss that had left me breathless just a couple nights ago. This one was distracted; indifferent. Her lips were there- her tongue was softly probing against my lower lip, demanding entrance- but it was automatic. I wasn't surprised when she suddenly pulled away.

_And you give_

_And you give_

_And you give yourself away…_

"What is it?" I asked her.

"Nothing…" she said, but didn't try to kiss me again.

"Oh…so what exactly does this mean?" I asked finally.

"What does what mean?"

I took April's hand in mine and took out of my nightstand the gold wedding band I had given her on our wedding day.

"What does it all mean?" I asked again, sliding the ring halfway onto her finger.

She flinched at the feel of cool metal on her warm finger.

"Oh, Mark…" she sighed, "I can't think about that just yet. How could you even ask me to?"

"April…I feel I've been very patient, and that I've waited long enough, and…"

"And couldn't you wait a bit longer? I just dumped the guy two minutes ago- and he didn't take it well at all. I doubt he'll just let it go- he'll want to talk when he's calmer. Besides…I can still be yours," she finished with a smile that didn't reach to her eyes.

I sighed. I wasn't going to win this one. "If you say so."

She kissed the bridge of my nose. "I do."

Those words hung in the air, like memories of a single moment in time…the only other time she had said those words.

"You do?" I asked her seriously. "You said it once before. Do you still mean it?"

"Always." April promised. "Always and forever."

With that, April left the room. I still felt a powerful sense of uneasiness. I could hear the words coming from her mouth, and I could still feel the brush of her lips on mine…but it was different…indifferent, really. Goddammit, why did she have this effect on me? How could it be so easy for Roger to give up on everything they had- didn't she have this effect on him too? I was glad he hadn't tried to find out. Maybe now, for once in my life, everything would go the way I wanted it to. I was sick of rolling with the punches- usually, it was me that was the one getting punched.

"Mark Cohen- personal punching bag. No fee required. 24 hour service." I muttered to myself.

_My hands are tied_

_My body bruised, she's got me with_

_Nothing to win and _

_Nothing left to lose…_

**(April's POV)**

Dammit, you need to stop this! Just stop. You can't go on hurting both of these guys. Neither one deserves it…

Except Roger. He treated you like shit for so long. Of course he deserves it. And you left- so you should be happy. Be happy goddamn you, smile! Show that smile that everyone loves so fucking much!

No, no tears! That's not the face Mark wants to see…Mark. What about him? Would I feel this bad about Roger if I truly loved Mark? But you do love Mark…don't you?

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give, and you give_

_And you give yourself away…_

What does it matter anyway? Love is just a chemical reaction created to screw up a perfectly normal life into something so twisted and different that it kills you to look at yourself in the mirror everyday.

It's not love that does that to you though…at first, you loved Roger and you could look at yourself straight. Now you can't…so it can't be love. It's you…you slut. It's you and everything you've done in the past month or so that could have been handled better- better than with drugs, alcohol, and sex. But those are all what matter to you, aren't they- slut!

I don't deserve to live…I really don't. They'd be better off without me. Sure, I guess they'd be sad for a bit…but they'd live. They all would. Who'd miss me? I certainly wouldn't.

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_I can't live_

_With or without you…_


	14. Feel The Burn

Chapter 15- Feel the Burn 

Updaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!!! Now that I've left you all hanging with what might or might not happen to our little love triangle, it's time to…screw with your heads some more! Song for this chapter is Think Twice, by Eve6. Thanks for any reviews!

**(Roger's POV)**

_When all is said and done _

_And dead, does he love you _

_The way that I do…_

I came out of my room, with my hand ripped to shreds a couple of hours later, only to find April sitting in Mark's room, crying on his shoulder. They didn't notice I was there. I knew she had left earlier- but I had heard her go back into his room- as I sat there with tears running silently down my face.

"April, I don't know what to say anymore, I really don't!" Mark was saying quietly. "I can't keep this up anymore than you can! You think this doesn't kill me either?"

My stomach dropped at those words. It couldn't be…the one thing I had feared for the past few days…was it really true?

"I know, I know! I just…I hate this, you know…"

Mark leaned over and held April to him. "I love you, and I want you to be happy. But I don't want to wait forever to tell Roger that…"

I didn't hear the rest of Mark's sentence as the words 'I love you' burned themselves into my heart. He loved her….loved her…loved her…

This wasn't possible. April was my girlfriend…my fiancée. She belonged to me…she was my fucking girlfriend! She…was. Used to be. That was the operative word in this sentence. Still, it didn't matter- if all of that shit was going on while she was still mine…

I could feel the world spinning crazily, and I nearly toppled into Mark's doorframe. The sudden noise startled the pair, and they looked up. April's face fell, and Mark's jaw dropped in horror.

"Roger, I…" April started.

"We were just…" Mark interrupted.

Their excuses died before they could finish a sentence as they saw the look on my face. I wanted to cry…scream…beg…ask why this had happened. What the hell had happened to my life? I desperately tried to gain control of my emotions. I couldn't let them see how much this hurt…

_Breathing in lighting_

_Tonight's for fighting_

_I feel the hurt, so physical…_

"No, go ahead…finish guys. You were what? It's not what?" I said in the calmest voice I could possibly imagine.

"Roger," April began, "You know that Mark and I are just friends. We were just talking about…"

"Do you think," I managed to spit through gritted teeth, "That you could maybe tell me the goddamned truth for once? Would it kill you?"

"But, Roger…"

"Don't you start!" I yelled, making them both jump, "Don't you even fucking start! Do you think I'm stupid? That I didn't think something was wrong? That I didn't suspect something was going on?"

"If you thought something was up, then why didn't you talk to me, damn you?" April yelled back, her eyes blazing with fury.

"Why? Oh I don't know April, maybe because I trusted you? Because I love you, and didn't think that you were going to…do whatever it is you did! Why in hell would I want to ask something like that? You broke up with me so you could what- fuck him?"

April fell silent for just a moment, but it was a moment long enough for Mark to step in.

"Roger, come on now. Let her explain…please," he said miserably.

I rounded on Mark, looking on my so-called best friend with more hatred than I thought I could ever have mustered.

"Don't get me started on you, pal! Funny how I should call you that, huh? Pal…like, remember how you're supposed to be my best friend, Mark?"

"Roger, I still am…"

"Like hell you are! You think I'm supposed to take all of this lying down?" I raged.

"Roger, please stop. You don't even know the whole story." April said softly. "I'm sure you want to know what's going on. Afterward, you can think what you want…I don't care anymore."

_Think twice before you touch my girl_

_Come around, I'll let you feel the burn_

_Think twice before you touch my girl_

_Come around, come around no more…_

I hated hearing her say that, but at the moment, I was so angry that I didn't even know how to respond except to nod, and sit down on Mark's floor. It was a miracle I hadn't strangled either of them yet.

"Let me just ask one question…and one question only." I said as I sat down. "Did you fuck around with Mark while we were still together?"

April and Mark exchanged a guilty glance, and then she whispered, "Yes."

Finally…the one thing I had been denying was going on was out in the open. I wasn't sure if I was more relieved that she had finally come clean or angrier that it had happened in the first place. Even so…I couldn't find it in my heart to hate her. After everything that had happened- the fights, the lies- we had come so far. I loved her so much my soul hurt. I couldn't let this be the end...too bad she had already ended it for me…

Trying to keep the tears out of my voice, I asked, "Alright. Why…why the fuck would you do that, April?"

"I was mad at you. Our relationship was going down shit creek, Roger! That's why I ended it in the first place, remember? When was the last time we had an actual happy day together?"

"Well, I don't know- I thought we were fine a few days ago when we were all playing cards, or last night when we made love after I asked you to marry me again! Christ, I thought we were fucking fine this morning before you told me you were leaving me! Guess I was wrong, huh! How long has this been going on?"

"It happened…well, I can't exactly say when. It could have been the night you stayed at Jack's house when Mark and I got drunk, woke up, and didn't remember what happened…or it could have been the day you left after I broke off the engagement the first time. It was one of those times." April said, not meeting my eyes.

"One of those times?" I said incredulously, "You don't even know when? Jesus Christ, April…"

_Think twice before you touch my girl_

_Come around, I'll let you feel the burn_

_Think twice before you touch my girl_

_Come around no more..._

"I'm sorry, Roger, I really am!" April said, bursting into tears again. "Try to understand that I was unhappy…that I didn't think you cared anymore…and Mark was such a good friend, and he was always there for me…I couldn't help it…I didn't mean for…"

"Didn't mean for what?" Mark suddenly stepped in, "Are you saying that all those times you said you loved me, all those times we made love and you told me I wouldn't regret it…were you lying? When I said I loved you, I meant it, dammit! You told me an hour ago that you would love me, always and forever!"

April looked at Mark and I helplessly, but said nothing.

"Come on, April. You were so hot to talk a few seconds ago- but now when it means making a choice, you're silent. You know damn well if you say that you meant it too, then you're screwing me over- not to mention yourself with all of the lies you told me. If you tell Mark you never meant it, then you're losing him. What's it going to be, April?" I said, almost tauntingly.

"I…but it wasn't…" April started.

"I asked you to marry me goddammit!" Mark and I both hollered at the same time.

I turned to him in shock. "You what?"

Mark paled noticeably, and then said, "Never mind."

Mark turned and left the room, leaving April and me alone.

_She spreads her love_

_She burns me up_

_I can't let go_

_I can't get out…_

"He proposed to you? Did he?" I towered over her, shaking with rage.

"Yes…he did."

"And just what did you tell him?" I asked, and then seized her by the shoulders. "What did you fucking tell him?"

"Let go of me!" April shrieked, and tore herself out of my grasp.

"You know something, April? I've had it. Maybe you weren't strong enough to end things when you thought they needed to be ended, but I am. You always came back for my bullshit, but I sure as hell ain't staying around for yours. You want me to go? You want to leave? You want to go marry my best fucking friend? Fine with me!" I said.

"I stayed cause I loved you, Roger! I left because I couldn't take it anymore!" April cried.

"Really? Then why did you cheat on me with my best friend? Why come back if all you were going to do was screw around behind my back. Why didn't you just leave the first frigging time you said you would? Then you could have gone and had guilt free sex with Mark! God dammit, do you have any idea what I've been going through the past week? Wondering if you were faithful, but defending you in my head thinking that you cared enough where you wouldn't do that? Kicking myself for acting toward you the way I did and twisting myself inside fucking out trying to find a way to make you happy! I did all this for you…and you were off fucking Mark when I wasn't looking. Well congratulations! You won, April, alright? I'll make it easy on you- I'm gone."

A moment later, I was flying out the door, doing everything I could to hold in the screams inside of me that were fighting their way to the surface.

**(April's POV)**

_I've said enough_

_Enough by now_

_I can't let go_

_I can't get out…_

"No…" I moaned about five minutes after Roger had left. "No…Roger, come back! Come back!"

Instead, Mark came into the room. "He left already."

"I know…Mark, I'm so sorry."

Mark sighed and sat down beside me, but kept his distance. "I don't know anymore, April. I love you…but if you really loved me, you'd have had no problem telling Roger that you meant it when you said you loved me…no problem leaving him. Now look what's happened. You're sitting here crying because you can't take the fact that he's gone. We could have our chance…I'd be willing to leave, to have Roger come home to an empty apartment while you and I find somewhere to live…start a life together, just like we had talked about."

As I listened to him speak, all the lies and the confusion of the past weeks came floating back to me. Two men I had loved more than life itself…two men's lives I was going to ruin. I could already see it. I had driven a stake through the heart of Roger and Mark's friendship. I had lost the guy who had given me butterflies, who knew how to hold me the right way…the guy who had been everything to me, and I knew damn well, even during the worst of fights, that I was everything to him. I was going to break Mark's heart, and I had already broken Roger's…not to mention I still hadn't told anyone I was sick. I couldn't even start to look there yet- that was a whole new batch of secrets and lies that, if I could, I would take to the grave. Strangely calm, I got up off the bed.

_What is it you really want?_

_I'm tired of asking_

_You're gone, I'm wasted…_

"Where the hell are you going?" Mark asked me.

"Out."

"But, April, what about…" he left it hanging, and then took a deep breath. "What about us?"

"Oh Mark," I choked out, "There can't ever be an us…and sometimes I wonder…though my body wanted it, and certainly part of my heart wanted it…did I ever truly want it all the way?"

I slid the golden wedding band that Mark had given me…just a few days before…off of my finger.

"Here. I can't take this in all good conscience. Give it to a girl who deserves it next time, ok?" I said, and dropped the band on his bed.

Mark's eyes filled with tears. "April, don't go. Please…I love you. I remember when that used to make you happy! I remember when you used to crave my touch…when you would tremble just when I held you. We could be happy together."

"Mark…I don't think I'll ever be happy again." I replied, and then walked out of the apartment and onto the street.

I knew exactly where I was going. The pathway was easy, and the darkness provided cover. I knew he would be there.

"I know you're there!" I yelled out as I waited in a dark corner of the alleyway.

"Sure I am darlin'. I knew you'd be back. Girls like you always are." The Man said as he stepped out of the shadows.

"I don't have any money." I said outright.

"Now, now, you know that's alright- you know what I want."

"No...No, you don't. I have AIDS…you knew that before I did, I bet." I said miserably.

"Doesn't matter- we're all going to die someday anyway, and it's not like anyone's going to miss the existence of some dirty old drug dealer. Who'd even notice I was gone, except my regulars…and they'd just find a new dealer is all." The Man said indifferently.

_When I showed up and he was there_

_I tried my best to grin and bear_

_And took the stairs, but didn't stop at the street_

_And as we speak I'm going down…_

"It's not like you, sweet thing…I bet quite a few people will miss your pretty face." he said, almost gently.

I took a step toward him, and took off my shirt. "It doesn't matter. I have what you want, and you have what I want. Let's just get it over and done with, and then we can move on with our lives."

The Man came to me and encircled me in his grasp. "You know, not everything has to be this way."

"No, it doesn't. But it is." I replied, and let the power of the needle overtake me before the rush of hunger and desire made its way into my system.

**(Mark's POV)**

_Cause she spread her love _

_And burnt me up_

_I can't let go_

_I can't get out…_

April didn't come back that night, and Roger didn't return until late. He barely looked at me upon entering the house, and it wasn't until we were watching TV in uncomfortable silence later on that he finally spoke.

"So I thought you'd have run off with April by now," he said conversationally.

"Don't be a dickhead, Roger. Why would I do that?" I shot back.

"Oh, hm, let me think about it for a moment? Maybe because you guys were having an affair and now that she and I are through, it'd be a golden opportunity to get together?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, Roger! It's over with her and me too! She ended our affair! She's too fucking in love with you." I said miserably. "All she wants…all she ever wanted was you."

"She had a funny way of showing it. And now we're both suckers. We both loved her…and we both believed her when she said she loved us." Roger noted.

"Roger…I am sorry. I don't know how it started…it just got to me how you treated her like shit for so long…and I just…wanted her." I said lamely.

_I've said enough_

_Enough by now_

_I can't let go_

_I can't get out…_

Roger looked at me for a long moment. "I want to believe you, man…I really do. But you screwed me over. We were best friends, Mark…"

"Were?" I interrupted.

"How the hell am I supposed to just pick up where we left off? You betrayed me, Mark! You screwed my fiancée! What am I supposed to say to that?"

I thought for a moment before answering. "That you deserved it. That you had been treating April like she didn't matter…like she was nothing to you. You could say that you now realize why she did the things that she did, and that though you are rightfully angry, you know where she was coming from. Let me ask you, Roger- do you know what it's like to want something so bad that you can almost see it forming in your grasp…only to know that it's just an illusion? Do you know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd live and die just to see them smile and know that that smile is for you? Well let me tell you…I do. I know what it's like because I watched you two together and wished that someday, I could be that happy. I watched as things went downhill, and wished that someday, I could be the guy to wipe her tears away after you finally walked away from her. I felt my heart damn near explode the very first time that she kissed me and I knew then…I was that happy. Having her be here around me and knowing that she existed…that she was in my life in even the slightest of ways…I have been that happy. I've been very lucky indeed."

_Think twice before you touch my girl_

_Come around I'll let you feel the burn_

_Think twice before you touch my girl_

_Come around, come around no more…_

Roger was silent after that. After a few moments, he replied.

"Mark, I get what you mean…but she was my life…my entire life. Everything I did, all the dreams that I had…everything I wanted to accomplish was because I wanted to be with her; because I wanted to make her happy. I never dreamed that any of this would happen…that I would neglect her the way that I did, or that she would lie to me the way she did. But it did happen, and now what? What do you want me to do? I could chase her down, tell her I love her- and yes, dammit, I still love her! I can't imagine having a better heaven than the one I have when I'm with her- but what good would that do? It's over…and there's so much trust and love that would need to be rebuilt…"

"And if you love her enough, you'll have no problem doing that." I said softly. "She didn't love me enough to try to sort out what could have been- she's still hung up over what used to be. If I were you, I'd be out there right now trying to find her."

It was only a split second after that that Roger and I got up at the same time and ran out the front door.

_Think twice before you touch my girl  
_

_Come around I'll let you feel the burn  
_

_Think twice before you touch my girl  
_

_Come around no more._


	15. The Next Best Thing

Chapter 16- The Next Best Thing

Hey there everyone! Most of you have probably stopped reading this fanfiction, but I would like to finish anyway just cause I've come so far. I know it's been 7 months since I've updated, but I don't want to leave it unfinished. So new readers are welcome, and I'm hoping to bring back some life to the story. It's almost over, so no more annoying Mark-Roger-April "I can't decide, my life sucks" triangle (it was getting tired, I know). ANYWAY song for this chapter is (and thanks to worldhoney for her review about my sucky songs ;), but I like em, so there!) Wonderwall, by Oasis.

**(April's POV)**

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you 

_By now, you should somehow realized what you gotta do…_

The very last words I heard before the rush came and pounded me senseless echoed through my head…

"Not everything has to be this way, you know…"

When I came to, I was lying on the ground in the dark alleyway- by myself. Not that I had thought The Man would stick around, but I still didn't like the idea that I had been passed out in the dark in New York City for a long time. Still, not that it mattered- I had nowhere to go now anyway. Roger finally knew everything…well, almost everything. He didn't know that Mark and I were actually married- if he did, he would have killed me. And that was another thing I needed to deal with. I couldn't just hand Mark back the ring and say it was over. We were still legally married. I got up slowly and started the long walk home.

Still, that didn't solve my problem. I couldn't just show up at the loft and expect them to let me stay. I didn't even know what had transpired between Mark and Roger after I left. I doubted that they were looking for me. I didn't even think that they cared. Why should they though? What had I done in the past few months that even deserved the least bit of sympathy? Nothing, that was what. I approached the loft, and looked up at the top floor. Strangely enough, there were no lights on, and there were no pacing shadows that meant Mark and Roger were up and fighting. Was it possible…were they…?

No, they wouldn't be. Why would they? So, expecting everyone to be asleep, I plodded up the flights of stairs to the loft. I figured that I would just pack my things and leave. I had enough money stashed away, so I could stay in a motel for the night…if I could find one. When I opened the door, however, I noticed that there was no one there.

"Roger? Mark? Are…are you guys home?" I called out nervously.

There was no answer. Slowly, I crept to Roger's room and pushed open the door. The bed was as exactly as we had left it that morning. Roger was obviously gone. I looked in Mark's room as well, and found the same scenario- they were both gone. Where were they? The answers seemed simple enough- Roger was out getting drunk and Mark was wandering around the park by himself. I walked back to Roger's room and sat down on the bed. I curled up against his pillow and inhaled the smell of him. He smelled so fresh and clean…with just the slightest hint of sweat. My eyes welled up at the very thought of him sharing this pillow with another girl…at the times they would make love in his bed…

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now… 

It was then it all hit me. All this time, I had been looking ahead- everything seemed that it would be better in the future. I never wanted to stop and work on now. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about my love for Roger; my whirlwind romance with Mark…

Mark. I did care for him, honestly I did. But all I tried to do through him was find the love I thought I had been lacking- when all I was doing was throwing it all away. I had hurt them both, loved them both…broke them both. And I had always thought that someday, something, soon, would change- and the next best thing would be right around the corner. I spent months believing that, never realized that there was no next best thing- Roger was it. I had loved him since the day I met him, and I never stopped. Just the fact that I could never truly leave him for Mark should have told me that…and now there was nothing left. Roger was the best thing, all I wanted- and everything I had lost. Now there was nothing left…and I wanted to do was leave this world behind. I was sick, dying- and I was already dead inside. I was the wasted shell of a girl who had the world in her grasp, but cheapened her existence with drugs, alcohol, and lies. It was all lies.

Slowly, without really thinking, I got up and went inside the bathroom. I shivered as the cold night air hit my face from the open window. I didn't bother to shut it though. I didn't shut the door either as I proceeded to get undressed. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror, looked at the ugly track marks on my arms like vines crawling down my skin. I opened the medicine cabinet and took out the prescription paper that I had hid inside an empty bottle of Tylenol. I had never filled the prescription for AZT…but there was the chance that someone else would have to...two someones. I took the piece of paper, closed the medicine cabinet, and left the paper lying there on the top of the toilet. As a second thought, I ran into the living room and grabbed a pen off of the coffee table. When I came back to the bathroom, I took the prescription and wrote, "We've got AIDS". I didn't cry as I wrote it- I was done crying, there was nothing left to cry over anymore. Then determinedly, assuredly, I took Roger's pack of extra razor blades that were lying unopened on the sink. I slid one out of the packet, and fingered the blade lovingly. The chance that this could be a rush better and bigger than the ones I was used to. I sat down on the floor, and posed the blade over my wrists. This was it…it was all over now. I had no need for this life anymore, and the people in it had no need of me…

Backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out 

_I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you've never really had a doubt…_

It was strange, as I had never really thought of myself as suicidal…but there was a large, strong part of me that wasn't afraid, and knew that this was really the only way to solve things. That way, the two men I loved could get on with their lives- and they never had to see me again. With those lovely thoughts in mind, I closed my eyes and hesitated just a split second before grinding the blade against my skin.

_I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now…_

**(Roger's POV)**

"I give up, Mark. There's no place we haven't checked. She's gone…" I said miserably.

Mark looked at me sadly. "She can't be…she wouldn't just leave me…I mean…um…"

He trailed off and I finished the thought inside my head: "She wouldn't leave you before leaving me first."

"Let's just go home, ok?" Mark suggested. "Maybe she came back and is waiting for us there."

I shrugged, and walked back with Mark.

"Did she ever say she loved you?" I asked suddenly.

It was the one thing I needed to know. Out of everything I wanted to know about what happened between Mark and April; that was the thing that I needed to know the most. I didn't care if he made her cry out when they made love…I was pretty sure he had. I didn't care if he had said he loved her…part of me knew I should have realized that he had loved her a long, long time ago. Above all, I didn't care whether or not April had chosen him as her scapegoat because our relationship was going badly…I just needed to know if she had really felt something for him. If she had, I couldn't begrudge her that. If she had fallen for him, it was really no one's fault but mine. I looked at Mark as he struggled to answer.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding 

_And all the lights that lead us there are blinding…_

"Umm…" Mark stuttered, taken aback by my question.

"Mark, don't even start pretending that you don't have an answer to this. I don't care- you don't need to lie to me about this anymore. Just tell me the truth, alright? It's time we all started telling each other the truth." I said.

Mark was silent a moment, and then nodded. "Alright…she…she…"

He stopped, and looked at me, as if searching for the answer. I nodded for him to go on.

"She…didn't." he finally answered.

I sighed with relief. At least now, I knew that there had been nothing other than physical attraction mixed with strong friendship between the two. Still, if that was the case, didn't April know that I'd still want to talk about it? Wouldn't she want to talk? It seemed so strange that she would just run off and leave. We finally reached the loft, and went upstairs to the top floor. It was then that I noticed- the door was ajar.

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how… 

"Mark, did you forget to close the door when we went out?" I asked worriedly.

"No…but I didn't lock it in case April…came back," he said, and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

We rushed inside the house, wondering what sight we'd be greeted with.

"April?" I called out. "Babe? Wherever you are, please, come out. We have to talk. I promise, I won't yell- but we need to talk!"

Mark peered into his room, and I into mine. There was nothing there, no sign that she had ever been there. I suddenly noticed a light shining from underneath the bathroom door.

"April?" I called, pounding on the door. "Are you in there?"

Mark came over and crouched to the ground. He tried to peer beneath the bathroom door. Whatever it was he saw in there made his eyes widen and he stood up quickly.

"Roger, why don't we call someone? I think maybe we should…" he started.

"April! Let me in!" I yelled again, ignoring anything sane. All I wanted was to know that April was there and we could be together again.

"Roger, I really think we need to call the police." Mark pleaded. "Now!"

There was something about urgency in his voice that panicked me. "Mark, I don't think that…"

Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my Wonderwall… 

"Now, Roger!"

I looked helplessly at him, and then turned to the door one last time. "April, open the fucking door!"

My eyes welling up with tears, I said to Mark, "Help me! We have to get this door open!"

"Roger, I already told you…"

"Goddammit Mark! Don't question me right now! Help me, please!" I said in desperate tones.

We backed away from the door and braced ourselves.

"Ready, Mark?" I asked. "On the count of three…"

Mark paled and then nodded. "One…"

"Two…" I continued.

"Three!" we both shouted, and charged at the door.

It cracked under our weight, but was still standing.

"Again!" I yelled.

We charged, and it splintered more.

"One last time!"

We charged into the door, and it splintered, and broke. As the pieces of wood fell away, I was able to see into the bathroom.

**(Mark's POV)**

Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you 

_By now, you should've somehow realized what you're not to do…_

"Roger…" I whispered, not sure how to react.

April was in the bathroom…but she was on the floor, and all of her life's blood was spilling out of her wrists.

"No….NO!" Roger cried in anguish as he ran to kneel beside her body.

I stood there, frozen.

"April…please…come back." Roger sobbed as he cradled her in his arms, not caring that her blood would forever stain the shirt he was wearing.

I turned my eyes away. I couldn't believe it- April. My April! She…

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now… 

"Oh God…" I whispered miserably before I broke down.

"Why, Mark? Why?" Roger sobbed. "This is my fault…it's all my fault…I killed her because I left her…all alone. She…oh God, April!"

I went to sit down on the toilet, as I felt like I could no longer hold my own weight. As I sat down, I heard some crinkle underneath me. I stood up, and saw a piece of paper lying on the toilet. It was a prescription for…AZT? But wasn't that…?

"Roger…come here." I said softly, scanning the message that had been hastily scribbled on it.

Roger looked at me with swollen eyes. "What?"

"Read this."

I handed him the note, and watched his face grimace, then crumple into hysterical sobs.

" 'We've got AIDS'? What the fuck is that!" Roger screamed, howling out his fury to the uncaring night. "I'm going to die?"

And all the roads that lead you there are winding 

_And all the lights that light the way are blinding…_

Roger glared down at April's body, as if she could come back and explain it all.

"You…you…bitch! You fucking bitch!" Roger screamed. "How could you do this to me!"

He raged, and I suddenly saw a glint of silver in the light.

"Roger, no!" I cried, and dove for the razor that he had grabbed.

"Let go Mark! Let go, let me do this! There's nothing else…" he yelled and struggled against my grip.

I let him struggle until the fire burned out, and then Roger looked at me with lost, glazed-over eyes. "There's nothing else."

"Oh, Roger…" I said, not knowing what to say.

It turned out I didn't need to say anything- Roger collapsed in my arms sobbing like a child. I held him, and let him feel…for the first time, he was letting himself feel.

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how… 

"Mark, I loved her…I just…oh God, I wanted her to know I still love her…"

I felt the tears well up again as I realized that, for the first time, I couldn't help my friend. After everything we had been through together, when it all came down to it, I couldn't do a damn thing to save him from the ugly fate that stood before him. And as that realization sunk in, I started to cry, and held onto my best friend until the dawn broke into the sky.

Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me 

_And after all, you're my Wonderwall_

_I said maybe_

_You're gonna be the one that saves me_

_And after all, you're my Wonderwall…_


End file.
